Everything I Learned About Life in My 20s
Pocketing a decade and my twenties all in one
I spent the last weekend of the decade back where I started it, home in Georgia. If anyone had told me that I’d choose to move back to the South after finding a somewhat stable existence in New York, I’d do a spit-take. And yet, I chose to spend the last bit of 2019 hanging up photos, reading, and basking in raw sunlight from my large windows in my new apartment in my new — and old — city. This is me at 30, listening to my body and attempting to be present, hankering for plans to be cancelled.
Despite the familiar location, it’s a reversal of my decade’s beginning. At age 20 I dreamed from my childhood home’s bay window, staring moonily, feet itchy, legs restless. I worked to save up for a brash move to New York, which I did.
It’s weird to think of all the books, wishes, hankerings, song lyrics, tastes, and awkward moments that bring me to today. It’s even weirder to think that my current version of adulthood was brought to you by a past me, someone who once got so drunk she vomited in a revolving door. But that’s life.
I spent this weekend reading Dolly Alderton’s book Everything I Know About Love. In several listicle-like essays, Dolly reels off lessons she’s gleaned at certain ages about love, from a lovelorn teenager to an impetuous 25-year-old. In the same fashion, as a freshly minted 30-year-old, here are my decade’s worth of lessons to the universe:
Everything I Learned About Life in My 20s
You won’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going for a really long time, and that’s okay. It’s hard to admit that, let alone understand it, but opening yourself to the idea will free you to possibilities.
You’re allowed to change your mind. One day, you’ll wake up and think, “Nope. This isn’t what I want anymore” and switch gears. It’s a hard thing to do, people will question you, you’ll question yourself, but there’s a reason why you feel this way. Investigate it, and if you know it’s something you stand by, it’s okay to proceed.
You’re not the worst. You might feel like the worst. You probably have regrets. You might feel guilty, but you’re not the worst. You’re doing your best, without malice, and making mistakes along the way is the best way to become a better person.
Your childhood self is a good guide to help you dream, but never feel like you’re letting that self down.
You’re allowed to dream big and just see what happens. Write those wishes in a notebook; never show it to anyone, it’s just for you. Stay up all night looking at the ceiling, fan-fiction-ing your life and envisioning what it could be. You’ll be surprised later on how much those dreams inspire you.
If your face turns red when you drink, Pepcid AC is a good way to keep the redness down to avoid conversations you’d rather not have. If you drink with friends and people who love you, then you don’t have to worry about redness.
Falling in love is hard because we don’t recognize it at first. A lot of things feel like falling in love, until you fall in love the next time, then that one feels real and will stick. You proceed in this vein with lots of things— movies, songs, people, foods— until you get the hang of it.
Stop offering explanations when they’re not needed. If you don’t want to go somewhere, say no. If the person is on your team, they’ll understand and will feel okay to do the same because they’re comfortable with you. If they complain that’s on them.
Don’t do something you don’t want to do just because someone else says they’ll feel stupid doing it by themselves. That’s a dumb reason.
You’ll get through it. It sounds hard and sounds like it really, really sucks. But unlike the Balrog when Gandalf stood in his way, it shall pass.
Wash your face every day and don’t fall asleep with last night’s make-up.
No, sheet masks don’t fix your life’s problems, even if it is called Self-Care.
Find your magic hour. Maybe it’s waking up early while the world’s asleep or maybe it’s 3PM on a Friday; savor the time that you feel your absolute best and spend it how you want.
Ask questions. Stop conversations and ask for clarity. Ring up someone because you think they’d be the best to ask. Investigate. Stay curious. Never be ashamed for not knowing the answer. Most people don’t anyway.
Feel confident in what you do know. Your knowledge is a soup bowl and there are things you’ve been stewing that other people haven’t give nary a thought. That’s what makes you grand. And, yes, a bit nerdy.
You can outgrow circumstances, apartments, jobs, and relationships. And when that happens, it’s ok.
If there’s a restroom nearby and you sort of need to go, you should go then. Always pee when you can.
No matter what you say to yourself, no matter what happens, always tell yourself that you’re doing your best. Because you are.
