BODY SHAME REBELLION
The Faces I Make
On being misunderstood and different in a world that doesn’t like different.
My nickname was Faces when I was a child. My dad gave it to me because I had a highly expressive face. I still do. What I’m thinking about shows up on my face. Well, kind of. One thing I know for certain is about 95% of the time when someone reads my face they misinterpret what I’m thinking.
This has been a life-long problem for me. People assume I mean things that I don’t by the expression on my face. I have a highly active mind. I’m always thinking about multiple things. I mean really, I have a lot going on in my life at once. So I can be in a room with others and speaking to them. Then a second later I’m thinking about something completely unrelated and it’s making my eyebrows crunch together, putting a frown on my face, while I’m shaking my head over whatever it is I’m thinking about — usually a to-do, something I forgot, something that is frustrating me, something I’m worrying about — all having nothing to do with the conversation I just finished or others in the room.
Most of my looks of annoyance are over being annoyed with myself.
But few get that. I’ve often wondered why people don’t just ask what I’m thinking instead of assuming the worst of me. But even when someone does ask, they don’t usually take my word for it when I say I’m not mad at anyone. I don’t know why since I’m an honest person.
I’m making my annoyed face now as I type. I’m annoyed as usual with myself. Besides the faces I make that apparently give others complexes, I often have a hard time communicating with people. My attempts at friendship, relationships, kindness, trying to understand others, they get misinterpreted. I’ve felt misunderstood most of my life which isn’t a good feeling at all and makes me more annoyed with myself.
Because the thing is I care a lot. Probably too much most of the time and that’s just who I am. So it bothers me that my intentions are misunderstood so badly. People close to me have thought things about me that are upsetting to me. I feel like how can they know me at all and accuse me of some of the things they have or allowed others to accuse me of things that are so far off base.
No matter how much I try and limit misunderstandings it’s just never enough. Communication with people is just difficult for me and I don’t know why it is so hard.
Well, I kinda do. One of the best things I ever stumbled upon was the fact that I have an INFJ personality type (Meyers-Briggs). I finally felt understood and normal in a sense that there are other people who think, feel, and move through the world like I do.
The other best thing ever for me has been seeing one of my daughters grow-up and recognizing myself in her. She could also have the nickname Faces. She is also misunderstood. I hear it when people assume what she means by the expression on her face or her inability to explain herself in words well. I try my best to help her find the words. I ask her what she means instead of assuming by her expression. I try and teach her siblings to understand that she thinks differently from them, she sees the world differently from them, and they need to appreciate her differences and not make her feel bad about them.
I have great kids and they do try to understand their sister. They are very protective of her too, which makes me so happy. She is in a loving environment and is accepted as she is at home.
I also worry though because I know as she grows up she will not encounter an accepting world and she’ll struggle.
I’ve seen it already when she tried taking piano lessons. She is painfully shy and would freeze up when the teacher spoke to her. She would make an annoyed face — the exact one I make — and the teacher took it personal. It didn’t matter how many times we explained to the teacher that our daughter has some issues, she would take it personal and kept recommending that our daughter stop taking lessons.
I see people misread her all the time. And I know how lonely that is and how upsetting it is and how much it can make a person loath themselves.
I’ve noticed the world is a lot more accepting of boys who get annoyed and show frustration. Girls need to smile, be happy, and polite at all times. We can’t even show frustration, confusion, or annoyance when it is at our own self. Everything we do is taken as an offense if it bothers people in the slightest way.
My daughter is in a far better place then I ever was in because I understand her. She also helps me understand myself. It’s all upsetting still. Frustrating for sure, and it’s one of the reason I make the faces I do.
Thank you for the writing prompt Ashley Evenson.
Enjoy some of my poetry:
