Covert Narcissism
Let’s not keep it a secret.
Being covert — hiding who you are — is not something we usually associate with narcissists. We expect these characters to be over the top, look at me, types of individuals. However, narcissism takes on many forms, and the most talked about on the internet seems to be covert narcissists.
Simply put, covert narcissists are more introverted than overt narcissists. The traits are the same, but the covert narcissist has learned to hide these traits from the public. In public, this person seems normal and others may perceive that they fit in well in society. However, in private, their dark, unempathetic weaknesses become evident to those closest to them.
Let’s break down this personality disorder a bit with some common questions people ask about covert narcissists.
What are signs of a covert narcissist?
Here is a list of the top ten signs of a covert narcissist. Those closest to them will be able to see these up-close and personal.
- A lack of ability to handle criticism.
No-one likes to be criticized, but covert narcissists are masters of taking criticism too personally. They are sensitive to criticism because of feelings of insecurity. Where others may do some introspection, covert narcissists are not able to understand that criticism is anything but an attempt by others to humiliate them. They hide these empty feelings behind sarcastic, dismissive comments to those who care enough to risk giving them a correction. - Passive-aggressive behavior.
This is a sign of a person who is insecure with themselves. They are not able to confront anyone due to an overwhelming amount of fear of rejection. This tendency in a covert narcissist, combined with a lack of empathy, will lead them to:
- use the silent treatment when things don’t go their way
- mock what others are doing
- sabotage the work of other people
- sabotage relationships, especially their own
- threaten those close to them
- hold back on doing tasks they feel are beneath them. - Publicly put themselves down.
This behavior has the covert goal of getting sympathy from others. They are not putting themselves down because they think this way about themselves. They are covertly looking for compliments and getting others to praise them, which is what they really think should happen. - Introverted behaviors.
A covert narcissist may display shy and withdrawn behaviors. They don’t want others to see their failures. This means they will avoid public situations unless there is a clear benefit for themselves. - I’ll show you attitude.
Instead of talking about their achievements and abilities, covert narcissists instead think about them. However, their private fantasies are grandiose in nature. They withdraw into a fictitious world where they have unlimited success or where they are superior to others in a variety of ways, including intellect, physical prowess, status, etc. - Incidents of anxiety and depression.
Covert narcissists tend to display more signs of depression and anxiety than other types of narcissists. Feelings of emptiness and a desire to commit suicide are the result of an invasive fear of failure and frustration over the inability to achieve unrealistic ideals. - A desire to take revenge.
A covert narcissist will want to take revenge on someone who they think treated them unfairly. They may not act right away and may hold a grudge, resulting in feelings of resentment and bitterness towards the person they think wronged them. - Covetousness.
Also known as envy, covert narcissists will show bitterness and resentment over not getting the things they want. They see others who have these things and feel they should have them as well. - Shamed, angry, and powerless.
Covert narcissists feel inadequate because they cannot meet their own high standards. This causes them to feel a sense of shame for not reaching such goals, angry at others for getting in their way, or feelings of powerlessness to overcome the hurdles that are between them and their goals. - Fake empathy.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is in the cluster of personality disorders that have the common trait of a lack of empathy, such as antisocial personality disorder. Covert narcissists will only show empathy when it serves them and therefore it is only just for show. They are only helpful or generous for the purpose of winning approval and admiration, not for the purpose of helping others. - Projection.
OK, so I added an eleventh one, but I wanted this to stand out. Narcissists will project on others negative feelings they themselves have. They believe they need to feel sad in such-and-such a situation, so they blame others for not feeling that sadness. The intent is to make others think that they have these feelings.
What is a covert narcissist attracted to?
Weena Cullins, a fellow Medium writer, has a great article about this. She talks about how covert narcissists are attracted to strong individuals who have a positive outlook on life and are resilient in their ability to recover from difficult situations. In the article she points out that the common perception that narcissists target weak individuals is incorrect. Narcissists see themselves as weak, so they want a strong individual to support them.
In the article, Weena Cullins says:
Your Resilience Might be a Magnet for Covert Narcissists
Narcissists are attracted to empathetic individuals that have a positive outlook on life and see the best in others. Because narcs lack the ability to truly empathize with other people’s experiences, they see this quality as a commodity. While it’s been a widely held belief that narcissists pursue individuals that are weak or easy, the more strong-minded and resilient you are, the more appealing you may be to a narcissist. You may have survived some traumatic experiences and cultivated the strength to support others. Being educated, successful at work, and healthy at the outset of a dating relationship or marriage are qualities that many narcissistic abuse survivors possess. Other common qualities include being kind, loyal, generous, and willing to give unconditionally once they feel securely connected to their partner. Since narcissists need a constant supply of attention, admiration, and validation, these attractive qualities signal to a narcissist that their specific needs will be met.
A common personality type that narcissists are reportedly attracted to are INFJs, from the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. Just head to YouTube and do a search on INFJ and covert narcissists. The basic premise is that INFJs are very empathic, and they are often referred to as empaths. An empath, to put it probably too succinctly, is in turn attracted to the covert narcissist because they see a hurt person they want to help.
What is covert narcissistic abuse?
Covert narcissist abuse is a form of emotional abuse that can be hard to spot because it often masquerades as love. Covert narcissists are usually very charming and excellent at manipulation, which can make them difficult to leave. If you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you may feel like you are always walking on eggshells, never sure what will set them off. You may also feel like you are constantly being put down or criticized. Covert narcissist abuse can be extremely confusing and dizzying, but it is important to remember that you are not responsible for their behaviors.
Do covert narcissists know they are narcissists?
Covert narcissists are a special breed of monster. They are masters of manipulation and deception, and they use these skills to take advantage of others. Covert narcissists are often very successful in life, because they are able to convince people that they are something that they are not. They may be charming and charismatic, and they may appear to be kind and caring. But behind their façade, covert narcissists are selfish, manipulative, and destructive. And does the covert narcissist know that they are a narcissist? I believe that they do. I believe that they are fully aware of their narcissistic tendencies, but they have learned to hide them behind a mask of normalcy. They know that if their true nature was revealed, they would be rejected.
5 Tips for Breaking Up With a Narcissist
If you think you might be dating a covert narcissist, it’s important to get help. This type of behavior can be extremely damaging and can cause a lot of pain and chaos in your life. Seek out professional help or counseling if you need it. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and that’s not possible if you’re stuck in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist.
ChoosingTherapy.com has a great article on how to break up with a narcissist, whether they are covert or overt. Here’s a summary of the list, but link to the article if you want more details.
- Make A List of Reasons You’re Leaving the Relationship. Provide yourself with examples from the past.
- Have A Plan.
- Surround Yourself With Supportive People.
- Purge Any Reminders of the Relationship.
- Get Support From A Therapist.
Run When You See One
If you are a magnet for covert narcissists, take up running as a hobby. Get as far away from them as possible.
Covert narcissists are often difficult to spot, since they can be charming and charismatic. They may also come across as shy or introverted. However, there are some key signs that can indicate that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
For one, covert narcissists have a tendency to be very critical of others. They may constantly put others down and make them feel inferior. They may also be historical and have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They may also have a need for constant admiration and attention.
Covert narcissists are also often experts at manipulation. They may use guilt trips or reverse psychology to get what they want. And they often have a history of relationships that ended badly.
It’s important to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect!
