Broken Angels Podcast: Episode 1
Let’s talk about emotional abuse: a podcast for victims and experts
Click here to listen to the first episode or read it down below.
Anna, a victim of emotional abuse who asked to stay anonymous, shares her story of dealing with an abusive father. She is the first guest of the Broken Angels Podcast.
Q: Tell us your story. How does it begin?
A: So it begins in the moment I realized that my biological father was ruling all my life, all my existence. At home, the first memories I have of my father are great. He was a very fun, amazing man, he would bring us so many presents. When it was Christmas time, I remember on Sundays drinking hot chocolate made by my mother, and then we would travel as a family, so I have very nice memories.
But then one day, I remember some fights between my mother and my father. My father was really mad when they divorced. [My mother] told me these things, saying ‘your father did this, your father did that, your father grabbed me in the kitchen…’ you know, physical violence, never like crazy, but it’s a defence mechanism, there are people that don’t know how to express themselves with words, and so they use this brutality to convey their ideas, or frustrations I would say.
Q: When did you realize that your dad was being emotionally abusive towards you? When did those great memories as a child become bad memories?
A: My mother had me when my father was 23. He was a young guy, very rich, he was making a lot of money in TV and in radio. He was going out, he was drinking alcohol, big quantities… they then divorced. I didn’t want them to divorce, I was praying to God, ‘please don’t divorce.’ He was saying, I love your mother very much, but we cannot be together. So some people said that my mother was being abusive because of all the pain that my father inflicted, but, my father was also saying that my mother treated him very poorly, which could be true. It’s just, those relationships then pass on to the kids, and it’s it’s a vicious cycle, it’s terrible.
But I remember clearly, when they divorced and my father had us, me and my sister, he would go out partying at night, and leave us with our grandparents. I remember seeing him going away all the time… all the time… all the time, seeing him going away in his car.
Q: How is your relationship now with your father?
A: He cut me off from his life. He shut the door.
Q: Why do you think that happened?
A: He doesn’t like me.
Q: Why do you think he doesn’t like you?
A: Because, if he likes me, or loves me, why the f*** is he not speaking to me. Why… I don’t understand. I mean, I don’t need him. But in a way, I do… he’s my father.
Q: Was there a specific moment or incident that happened that caused this?
A: Yes, he took a leap of faith in me. He gave me a job in his ex company. He gave me the opportunity to work there. It was also a vicious cycle, because I was the daughter of the owner, I wasn’t doing exactly what I was supposed to do, you know, miscommunications. Then he decided to fire me, which was okay, we said ‘we have to separate now because I didn’t do things right, you didn’t also, so let’s stop working at your company.’ But then, he also stopped talking to me at all.
Q: Have you talked to him since then?
A: Yes,I saw him once. It was one of the times I was visiting my home country. My friend told me, ‘I’m having lunch at this restaurant and your father is here.’ So I appeared, and I saw my father there, and I went there in front of him. I showed him my scar [on my foot]. I had an accident. I moved and I broke my foot. He never called me or sent me a text or anything. But I knew he knew.
That’s something I’ve always… like, is he paying attention to me or is he not. He’s really detached, because, he was so controlling that then, when they stop controlling you, you’re like, where is he? Where is he? I mean, where are you? And okay, if you’re doing this for my own good, to heal me and that’s why you’re disappearing, but you can’t do it this way. There has to be an [explanation]. Yes, you can tell me, ‘I don’t like you,’ or, ‘I do like you, but I cannot talk to you right now.’ But express it. Complete silence, it kills me. It kills me.
Q: How long has it been since you’ve last talked to your dad?
A: Well, I talk to him, I contacted him through email, I sent him Skype messages, Whatsapp. I talk to him, but the last time he talked to me was in his office. He told me something really bad. He said something like, he would have stopped talking to me long before if it wasn’t because I had his name.
Q: Why do you think he felt this way?
A: I know why. He’s so emotionally young that he thought that I was kind of threatening him or something. How can you tell me, your daughter… he was my role model and he didn’t like that. That’s why I think he cut me. I think he didn’t want me to mirror myself in him anymore. I think he didn’t like to see himself in me.
Q: Does he still have contact with your sister?
A: Yes, he speaks with my sister. He cut her off also, but only for one year. For me, it’s going to be five years… like what you are you doing?
It’s kind of comical right now, he doesn’t now how to say hi, and I think that’s why he’s not doing it. It’s much more simple like that.
Q: This has been going on for years now. Would you say you were able to move on at least a little bit, or are you still suffering?
A: No… it comes and goes. For a while, when I would see a father with a kid, I would cry, because… where is my father? I want him… I want him. So it comes and goes, but also, time heals and all this has been decreasing.
Now what I do sometimes is I go to his Twitter account, because that is the only part of connection where I can see what he’s doing, and when I see his tweets I know he’s alive. You know, I contact him on WhatsApp, and of course… silence. But it’s all there and I’m open about it because no one is going to shut me down.
Q: When there are phases where you feel more down than usual, is there anything you do that helps you?
A: Sometimes when I feel really really bad I go worse. I go worse and I do crazy things, like losing control and taking my mind out. I’m not blaming my father, because it’s me that is putting these risky situations. But it’s true that I come from [my parents]. They are my parents, the ones that gave me, and I want them to know. This is when it’s the worst. It’s very easy for me to lose my control. With a couple of glasses of wine I’m already tipsy and then I just keep going.
But recently, I started meditating. I also did yoga in the past for one year… doing yoga, writing and working. But, I’m meditating and it’s very good to let go… and just to send love.
Q: If somebody else out there is struggling with something similar. Is there anything that you would tell them when it comes to advice?
A: Yes, go run. Leave. You have to leave… you have to leave. I know it’s so difficult. In my case, it was the abuser that actually freed me. Now, I would like to have some kind of contact, but yes, leave. Because otherwise you will not see who you are. You will not discover yourself. And the thing is, you can see it when you’re so upset with someone, that is no good.
Finding the strength to walk away from something that you know is not meant for you.
Yes, and this happens sometimes, because life is like this, and probably, my father wasn’t meant for me. Yes he’s my father, and why shouldn’t he when he was a nice guy, and I know he loves me deep down. So I see it as… he’s putting a parenthesis, and I don’t know until when, but I will always love him. And I’m realising my dreams, despite of him. He told me he was going to support me, economically. I got into that school, and he was nowhere to be found. Then I found the money from somewhere else. But people have to have a war, and have to leave, otherwise you can’t do anything in life.
Q: Obviously this will always be part of you and your story, but do you have hope that you won’t let this define the rest of your life?
A: I do have hope that one day me and my father will be together again. Yes, I do have hope. I’m a super hopeful person.
