Broken Angels Podcast: Episode 2
Let’s talk about emotional abuse: a podcast for victims and experts
Click here to listen to this episode, or read the Q&A down below.
In this episode of the Broken Angels Podcast, Pauline Montemayor, a social worker and psychotherapist based in New Jersey, talked to me about her work, and gave a lot of great insight and advice to those who suffer from emotional abuse.
Q: Tell us a little bit about your work.
A: I’m a licensed clinical social worker but my title is psychotherapist, and I’ve been working in the field now for a little over 5 years. My experience has predominantly been with children and families, but I also work with adults as well.
Q: In your work, is emotional abuse something that you witness often? If so, in what way do you witness it the most?
A: It is something I do see fairly often. I’ve seen it a lot in relationships, whether it’d be romantic or even in family, and even some friendships sometimes as well. So it is something that is pretty common to see in certain situations and certain places.
Q: I reached out to a few members of the community on Facebook, and the main thing they wanted to know was what they could do when they have a partner, or family member, or friend in their lives that acts abusive toward them. Some of them said that they feel stuck with this person because there might be kids involved, or there is no way for them to really distance themselves from the person. Do you have any advice for these people?
A: Sure, the first thing I’d recommend is to educate themselves about the cycle of abuse and some of the traits and characters that abusers typically have. The second biggest thing is to set boundaries and limits with the people that they’re involved in. I know that can be very challenging for people to do but especially if you’re with someone or dealing with someone that is an abuser in any kind of way, boundaries are super important because it helps to draw lines and set limits and kind of keep your own space, and your distance away from that, so they can’t necessarily get to you in the ways that they may have before. The other thing too is, if they need to seek professional help, whether it be through a hotline or an agency, or seeing a therapist, that way they have another support system, someone who can actually educate them about abuse, and also help them process their own feelings, and their own experiences, so they can better understand what they’re going through and how they can continue to cope with it and hopefully move on and leave the situation that’s been abusive for them.
Q: Emotional abuse is a little harder to detect, because unlike with physical abuse, the wounds or scars are internal. Do you think that’s a reason why there are still people who have a hard time recognizing that this is actually happening to them? A lot of people might think that it’s only abuse when there is physical violence involved.
A: The irony to that is emotional abuse can actually be more destructive than physical abuse, because it actually affects a person’s mind, it affects their emotions, so it can have a greater toll than physical pain. Not saying that physical pain isn’t bad, because it is, but those wounds eventually heal to some degree, but emotional wounds usually take longer to heal. I actually think that that’s one of the reasons why people don’t see physical signs of emotional abuse because they don’t really recognize that it’s happening to them. The other big part of it, too, is that, a lot of people don’t realize that they’re in an abusive relationship, because typically abusers are extremely manipulative and they’re very intelligent, and they know what they’re doing. So a lot of people get very easily blinded by their charm, their persona, even just how they go through the cycle of abuse and the different stages. That’s why so many people get locked in these situations because they can’t recognize that there is a typical pattern to their behavior and they kind of get stuck on the positive parts of it, like ‘oh, they’re so nice to me or they do this for me, or they treat me so well, but then they kind of overlook all the negative and abusive side of the relationship, and that’s part of the manipulation. So I think that’s again where education becomes really important, because a lot of people don’t understand sometimes how the abuse cycle works, or understand the type of traits and characteristics many abusers have. I think once people have more awareness of that, they’re able to better recognize the type of relationship that they’re in and find ways to get out.
Q: As a social worker, how do you work with families, or friends, or groups of people that suffer from abusive relationships. Are there any specific methods or tools that you use to solve these issues?
A: The first thing is education on abuse, teaching them about the different stages and the cycle of abuse, teaching them about the different traits and characteristics most abusers have in their personality. From there it’s a lot of processing of different feelings, processing of their experiences, and just talking those things out. A lot of it too is self-esteem building, helping them to begin to recognize their own strengths, their own positive qualities because a lot of that gets destroyed in the relationship, and that’s part of why the abuse continues, because their self-esteem and ego is basically being shattered throughout the whole thing. A lot of the work is trying to rebuild a lot of a person’s confidence and self-esteem, and then teaching them coping skills on how they can better manage their emotions and deal with their feelings, and the other person, teaching them how to set boundaries, how to have more limits with the people or person that they’re involved with. That is basically the main approach that I use when I’m working with survivors or emotional abuse.
Q: I also want to discuss child abuse, which a lot of times involves emotional abuse as well. What do you think causes someone to mistreat their child? Are there any patterns you have witnessed that can tell us more about what makes someone an abuser? How does someone become an abuser, child abuse, are there any patterns of what drives an abuser to do that to their own children, or partners?
A: Many abusers typically have been abused themselves. That’s been proven in research, too, that a lot of them have been abused, whether it was physical, sexual, emotional.. They usually have had their own trauma in their own past. So if it was never addressed or properly treated through treatment, those same issues carry on into other relationships that they have, including their children. I think that lack of education and unfortunately sometimes just poor parenting can lead to that type of pathway for a child. So it’s a very unfortunate circumstance, but I think a lot of times people come from very different backgrounds, or they’ve had a lot of difficult experiences in life, and not knowing how to manage the situations comes out through their emotions and then through how their treat other people. So it’s a lot of issues that were never fully addressed or resolved from their own past.
And some people just have some personality disorders, there are some who have narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, which kind of leads to that pathway, too. I would say, some do have trauma, some may not, but that’s also a very key disorder that is usually seen in abusers as well.
Q: Obviously there are hotlines that people can call, but it seems that they are mostly geared for physical or domestic violence. To me that seems like it’s because emotional abuse is still overlooked in society. Would you agree with that?
A: Yeah, I think it’s just not spoken of as much, because again, with physical abuse, or sexual abuse, there are physical signs that abuse happened. We can actually look at a person’s body and see marks, or scarring, or wounds and stuff like that. WIth emotional abuse it’s all internal, so it’s very difficult for anyone to look at a person and know that they’ve been emotionally abused, and I think a lot of times people have a hard time talking about it. Because oftentimes it’s in relationships that people are very close to, that they really love and care for. So there is an aspect of shame that comes with that, or feeling ashamed that you’re not even wanting to admit that this is the situation you’re in. There is a lot of denial sometimes that comes with emotional abuse from the survivor because they don’t really want to admit to the fact that this person is actually emotionally abusing them. So I think just that the difficulty speaking about it, or recognizing is part of why it’s not as accessible in terms of services and hotlines and stuff like that.
Q: I see many many victims who have spoken about their experiences in secret Facebook groups that deal with emotional abuse. A lot of them express their desire to leave but they don’t know where to go. I know there are women’s shelters, but if a place like this existed, I feel that would be very helpful. Are there any facilities you would recommend, or any ways to take that first step to get out of that toxic relationship?
A: I think, again, the women’s shelters, the ones for domestic violence are a good place to start because the staff there are really well trained on how to deal with people who are in those situations, and they provide different tools and different forms of help to keep the person safe, and to keep them out of the situation.
And again, if it’s not to that extreme level, just even finding their own professional help. There are community mental health agencies that don’t charge as much or don’t take sliding scale fees, or may have different ways you can get the services for a lesser cost. Because I know sometimes going through a private practice can be more costly but there are community mental health agencies out there, there are plenty out there that can provide those type of services to people as well when they need them.
So I guess it’s just them knowing that even though there is no physical violence involved, they can still absolutely go there.
Yeah, absolutely. And I think even having other forms of support, like those online forums, online groups, I think that’s been very helpful for a lot of people who’ve been in those situations as well, especially if it’s difficult for them to leave their home, or it’s not really possible for them to do so because of the situation that they’re in. Those at least are outlets that they have and they can learn from other people who are in the groups, on how to cope and how to deal, and hopefully eventually leave if they can. So any type of support is always helpful. Whether it’d be friends, family, online, professional… it always helps to have additional support around you.
Q: Do you have any last encouraging words, before we wrap this up, to people who might be in an abusive relationship at the moment?
A: I would say just to always remember your self-worth, and to always remember what you deserve, and no matter what a person does to you, or how much they try to break you down, you are always stronger than what they say. So I would say to anyone who is in this situation to not give up and just to keep fighting, and just remember who you are and just to be true and to honor yourself, and just go for what you know you deserve. And if that person isn’t giving it to you, then that means there is something more for you somewhere else. I just hope that they will all be able to find the strength within themselves to know who they are and to be able to leave and find something better for themselves.
Thank you so much to Pauline for being part of my podcast! I really appreciate her taking the time and giving such great insight. I hope that those who suffer from some type of emotional abuse were able to learn something from what she had to say!
Make sure to stay tuned for more episodes of our podcast, and in the meantime, head over to Facebook and like our Facebook page called Broken Angels Project, where you can get a lot more information on emotional abuse. You can also get in touch with us there if you want to share your story with us as well, whether on our podcast or in another way. We’d love to hear from you and continue the conversation!
