Broken Angels Podcast: Episode 3
Let’s talk about emotional abuse: a podcast for victims and experts
Click here to listen to this episode, or read the Q&A down below.
In this episode of the Broken Angels Podcast, another survivor talked to me about her experience. She She experienced emotional abuse on two occasions. Not only did she have a romantic relationship that was very toxic, she also had an emotionally abusive friendship a few years back that really took a toll on her.
Q: Explain to us how you experienced emotional abuse in your life.
A: I had experienced emotional abuse two times, the first time was a friendship from when I was really young. We met when I went to church and my parents and his parents were in this retreat together, so we started hanging out a lot. I think that he had a lot of problems, and I think that he was not equipped to handle them well, so instead, he kind of unloaded them on me. He was just really really aggressive, really manipulative, and I wasn’t able to recognize that he was being manipulative. He definitely had a lot of redeeming qualities, but I think that when you’re young, and you’re not given the tools and resources to be able to cope with stress and problems… I mean he was gay and he didn’t know how to handle that in like a church environment. So instead he tried to find a way to validate himself and one of those things was putting me down, but since we did have good times together and he did have a lot of really redeeming qualities I thought he was a really good friend. So I was willing to put up with the stress.
There was this one time that he actually tried to commit suicide and at the time I was trying to research suicide for an assignment. I think I was a sophomore in high school, and he told me, “you better not tell anybody.” I was reading up on it and apparently people who try to commit suicide will try until they succeed, and even though I said that I wasn’t going to tell anyone I ended up telling my guidance counselor because I just didn’t know what to do. I asked to stay anonymous but he wasn’t letting up and so they gave up that it was me. He finally admitted that he attempted and then after that he just ignored me out for a really long time. Then one day he just called me up and said “I’m ready to be friends with you again,” and that to me was just so indicative of what our entire friendship was, like it was always on his terms and what was convenient for him and it was just like he kind of expected everything to go back to normal, even though he just blasted me back then.
We became friends again and then I actually don’t really remember why I finally told him that I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. I think that there was one particular like romantic relationship I was getting into and he was just like just talking a lot about it and then telling other people about it. It was such a petty thing, usually I would just go up to someone and say hey that’s not cool, I don’t really appreciate that, this really hurt my feelings and try to hash it out, but I think that at that point I just was too tired.
I think I was I think I was 20 at the time that happened so we had known each other since we were about seven years old. I don’t think that I am willing to be friends with him again because he was just never supportive of me and the friendship was extremely toxic.
Q: So what about your your other experience with emotional appeals you said you were in a relationship as well.
A: I think it was it was my second boyfriend, I was in high school and he was a year or two older than me. I would just need permission for everything. I think he was also an incredibly insecure person, and he also tried to use me to feel better about himself. He was just really really clingy. I don’t know, I’m just kind of a free bird. I just like doing things for myself, I like going out with my friends.
I remember one time I was out with my friend and I think I was already really really mad at him, and he said “you didn’t tell me you were going out with Monique,” and I was just like, “I don’t need to tell you, Dad,” or something like really stupid and sassy. Then he got really mad at me and told me to better not hang up, but I did hang up on him because I was sick of him. We had this this huge fight and I was just like you know you’re not happy with me so I’m just going to break up with you. So I broke up with him, and then he threatened to kill himself. I think since I had already experienced that with my friend previously, I already made up my mind. I didn’t take this lightly. I said, I’m going to tell your mom, I’m going to tell everyone that you might need some help.
Q: Can you give us some details on what type of things your ex or your former friend have said to you and what techniques they used to manipulate you?
A: I think in general, they used guilt a lot. I think that with my ex, he would make me feel bad about going out without telling him. I kind of have to get his permission and tell him first. I think everyone was affirming him all the time but he really liked to be the token gay guy and he really loved the attention because he was not getting that at home, so then I was like you really need to learn how to love yourself and the friends that you have to really know you and he told me that you’re just jealous of me and you are a bad friend this was a cycle or he would just make new friends and the thing they would Bond over with me and they would tell him you deserve better than that now I try to laugh as drama-free as possible I understand that people are broken and that people are insecure but I think if you let that rule your life and ruined a good relationships you have with people then there’s not much I can do anymore I reach that point where I would feel really guilty because I thought maybe I wasn’t a good friend or I wasn’t a good girlfriend it wasn’t yours later that I realized.
I don’t think I even realized it was abuse until years later. I just knew that I wasn’t happy and I think that’s just how my brain works, where I think something is wrong and I have to do something to address it, and that is the strategy that I used to cope with it. I knew that this wasn’t healthy for me and that I would feel really bad all the time. Then I figured out it was better to cut it off, but later down the line I reflected on the two relationships that I had, and the interactions I had with the both of them, and talking to people helped me a lot.
