He was my kryptonite.
I had an addiction. For two years, it consumed me like nothing else. Repeatedly, this drug triggered all of my weaknesses and highlighted my most shameful insecurities.
Even though the addiction ended, sometimes, on rare occasions, I’m still thinking about giving in again, to my drug… to the guy who became my kryptonite.
Almost three years ago, I didn’t simply fall for him, I walked right into love with him. It happened fast, and it was exhilarating. When we met, my life was overshadowed with demons inside my head. I had suffered from depression and anxiety. He came along and I was convinced he was my ticket back to a full and happy life.
Little did I know that what it turned out to be was only a bittersweet, two-faced love story in which I chose to be the blind one.
When we met, he seemed to be everything I had always hoped for. He looked right into my heart. He made me feel lovable.
When it ended, my heart was crushed. It was shattered into a million pieces, and he took a part of me with him.
However, until today, simply hearing his name still makes my heart twitch a little, because I am reminded of everything that once was, and the dreams I had dreamt for us.
I am reminded of the pain that he had put me through.
I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but one day, our relationship took a turn and it all crumbled right in front of my eyes.
The constant controlling started. The manipulating started. The cheating and lies continued.
Being with a guy who tells you that you look like a trash can, and that he isn’t proud to be seen with you isn’t the type of guy anyone should be with.
A guy who cheats, isn’t someone a girl should ever have to love.
And a guy who tells you lie after lie after lie isn’t someone anyone should be with either.
Yet I chose him. Over and over.
Every night on the weekends, I fell asleep with my phone in my hand, waiting for him to call me, thinking that he needed me to save him from his drunken nights.
I was aware of how twisted this relationship had become, but I seemed to be incapable of breaking away from it.
Even at the end of our relationship, he was still capable of making me weak. He was still able to make me feel insecure and to steal my power of being strong and getting away from him.
He made me so weak, all it took for him was to say that he loved me and that he needed me, and I ran straight back to him.
He triggered something inside of me that left me paralyzed. No matter how fiercely my head insisted on getting out of it, my body and my heart refused to obey.
I knew our relationship was toxic, and I knew that I had to end it, but it was like every time he pushed me away to make room for the other girls, he pulled me right back in before I could put an end to it.
He always knew exactly what to say and what to do to get me to stay, and I think he knew the effect he had on me. To him, it wasn’t love, it was a game, and he was the master.
Ultimately, I chose to accept being unhappy for the majority of the time in exchange for those short and sweet little moments that became more rare as time went on.
Somehow, he became my ultimate weakness that made me ignore every value I once set for myself.
My friends and family knew what he was doing to me and prayed I would finally end it, but the only one able to rescue me was myself. And I just couldn’t go through with it.
He wouldn’t let me.
Every attempt to break free from him failed, as he always seemed to have more power over me than I had over myself.
Suddenly, there I was, completely and utterly weakened by a guy.
I believe that, at some point in life, every single one of us will meet their own kryptonite person. This person is someone who will always be a soft spot, one we just can’t get away from, no matter how long ago it was since that person entered and exited our lives again, how badly the relationship ended, or how happy we are today.
I believe that we all have someone who can make us become a fragile wreck in an instant. Just like that.
This person might have broken our hearts and left us a mess. However, somehow, we would still chose them again. If they knocked on the door years later, we would probably run back into their arms, with not much of a real excuse. Simply because we think it was love and we thought it was real.
I believe that there are many who might still be with their kryptonite person, and they might be with them for the rest of time, and it might be the most beautiful thing in the world. Others might not have met their kryptonite person yet.
And then there are people like me, still dealing with the marks they left on us after their chapter in our lives came to a close.
This is the power of love. It can break us as much as it can empower us. He definitely broke me, and I’m hopeful that one day, I will finally be free again.