Life is a… Gift?

I came across this from the Instagram feed at Desiring God the other day. I have to say… it rocked me. I think what rocks me so much is that it is true. I know it is true. But I don’t want to accept it.

I don’t want to accept that “He may take it at any age, any time, and do no wrong.” That seems so fucked up.

How can God just take a life and “do no wrong”? How can God allow our beautiful little son Quinlan to die and “do no wrong”? The pain of death doesn’t make it easy for me to see or feel that God is good. This quote from Piper doesn’t make me feel warm in my heart. It paints a picture of God much like the scenic backdrop of the photo above. Cold and heartless. A winter that doesn’t end. Frozen in time.

How can life be a gift if it can be taken at any moment by a cruel, heartless God? Indian gift more like…

I could very well leave things right here. Frozen and six feet under. Death upon death. But that isn’t where God will allow this story to end. When I look at the pain and hell of walking through death with our family, things look very bleak. I’m not going to lie. I can see the despair as thick as fog clouding around me right now.

I can feel the hopelessness and sharpness of grief threaten to pierce and steal the breath from my lungs.

But God isn’t a heartless and cruel God. God gave everything. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING… to give us life. He Himself experienced an excruciating death, the Hell of God’s wrath, and an eternity constrained to human form just to demonstrate and substantiate eternally His love for us.

This can’t be ignored. Looking through one lens all I see is pain. Looking through another, I see the pain that God experienced — unlike anything that any of us can even fathom—and I am brought to my knees in awe.

Jesus is God. God is love. Love died to give us life. His breath in my pierced lungs. Blood from His pierced side washing my shit and filth so I could be at His side… forever.

This is love. This is the love that took my son. Spared him from every earthly pain and an eternity in Hell. This is the love that wept with my wife and I in our darkest hours. This is the love that sang over us for the past year as we have gone through hell on earth. This is the love that bids us to come to the dawning of a new day tomorrow, to begin welcoming our 4th child into the world.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I can’t wait to embrace Him in it. Life IS a gift.

Jesus, my heart has been far from you this year. I have wandered and wondered at what You were doing. I have wept. I have laughed. Mostly I have been numb. Spiritually. Emotionally. Physically even.

Jesus, I need You tonight. I need You always. I need You to meet us with the new day. I need You to walk with us through this. I need You to comfort us as we mourn Quinlan and embrace our new baby boy.

More than all that, I just need You. I need Your presence. Your friendship. You love singing over me. Reminding me of who I am in You.

Thank You for not leaving us. For always welcoming us. For always loving. For never giving up.

I love you, Jesus. And I always will. 🤓

Amen.