The Mystery of Faith, Loss, and Doubt

A Personal Journal Entry from December 22, 2015

I wrote these words in my journal on December 22, 2015. Much of these words still ring true today but I can also see ways that I’ve grown and changed since then. Take them for what they are, a capture of who I was and what I was going through at a point in time.

There are numerous mysteries in the universe. God designed it this way. If we understood everything perfectly then there would be no need for faith or trust. In some ways there would be no need for relationships. Nothing outside of us to interest us or attract us.

But mysteries can be very frustrating if we’re honest. Sometime we are in the middle of a shit storm not sure which way is up. Facing death and the darkness of depression is scary as hell. Feeling unsafe is the new “normal”.

Faith is also a great mystery, again, if we’re honest. Trusting someone unseen who seemingly allows some very scary, unjust thing to happen is not something to be entered into or held lightly. It is a sobering thing to face the unknown, trusting a God who feels in almost every way to be absent.

I would argue that faith is not really faith if it does not acknowledge the doubts and depth of the lonely pilgrimage of the human experience. What is a faith that doesn’t risk the possibility of being wrong while wrestling with the tensions of living in a broken and fractured world.

Loss, particularly death, has a surprising way of sharpening the tension of faith. Wounded, we search for answers. There are none that satisfy our souls. Broken, we scrape around for healing. This too is a great mystery. But something about loss reminds us that we are pilgrims. We were created for an eternal destiny that will satisfy ever longing and confusing emotional deficit that we face in this life. Deep in the pain of loss is an ember of hope.

If loss has an ember of hope, then doubt is the water that would often seek to quench our little flame. Is God really real? If He is real is He good? Does he care? Scripture can answer the last two questions easily but it isn’t so easy to wrestle with these questions through the bitter pain of human experience. The Bible seems to offer straightforward truth but our experience preaches a different message to our battered souls. This is a messy tension. Not something many Christians are willing to wrestle with. But we must if we would walk honestly.

I don’t know how to end these thoughts. I feel like I should leave things where I now sit. Faith mingled with doubt. Doused in pain. Peace and hope and joy trying to break free liked caged birds after a long, cold winter.