A Very Open Letter to a Personified Papercut
I LOVED YOU. Past tense.
I have always been raised to treat any other person besides me, as esteemed and worthy of love. I don’t know if that was my Asian-Hispanic upbringing or influences, but that was how I, my brother and my cousins were brought up.
Needless to say, that was supersized with YOU.
It must have been my fault to have trusted you so easily. Sometimes I cringe at the thought that I did it ten times over, without a second thought. But most days, I can proudly say that I am owning this.
I am full of love.
I give out grace like confetti.
I am strong.
I believe that. Truly. Because strong and beautiful people — the genuine kind — never doubt their capacity to shell out the grandest of loves. We never hold back, because we know for a fact that we have more to give.
I had — and have — more to give.
So I apologise if what I had to offer was something that was too much or too little for you. Either way, know that I did so as humanly possible as I could. But as I was taught, nothing that I can give will ever be good enough for the person who was never right for me.
I’m sorry if setting aside time especially for you was not enough of an expression of the love that I had for you. But allow me a little comparison — what little time that I could set aside, I did so for you, whilst what little time that you could give, you held back from me. And at the time, although that would have been clearly unfair, I can proudly say that I never counted it against you.
Is it something I regret? NO. How can a person be averse to something that comes from his or her nature? Silly.
For every failed attempt I made towards letting you see how your existence mattered to me, I grew.
I grew to love the flawed person in me whom you so hastily rejected. I loved how she continued to give, to smile, to be gentle, and to still try to help in spite of the brokenness that resides inside. I grew to love her for the faith that she holds on to even during nights when she can’t mumble out a proper prayer to the One who loves her.
I found the beauty in realising how shackled I am to the idea of what could be, the fantasy of how things may turn out. I found freedom in the weight that was lifted from my soul once I decided to let go and let be. Not to scheme, not to hate, not even to wish something for myself above your circumstance.
I will never stop loving the person that I am.
Your inability to see me for who I really am will never define how I see myself. For with every dent and stain you saw, my God above saw light and cheer, and trinkets of innocence, a space for growth and imagination.
For all the times you lied to me and inadvertently took away my sense of self, and my sense of worth, I forgive you. For all the times you sacrificed my peace for your qualms, I forgive you. And for every single moment you made me feel so unworthy of love and affection, I extend out even more grace and forgiveness. Because I was given nothing less by God, in the midst of my selfishness. Because I was you with Him, and He never thought about giving me anything but the best.
I pray always for nothing but the finest gifts in life for you. To be of bright cheer and of full health, to be able to love deeply and understand immensely.
I know that I am on the road towards the story God created for me to flourish in. A person I can call home. A love I can feel peace in. A bond that no morsel from the past nor knocking fears of the future can break. I know that while I can never imagine before losing something as precious as I held you, God is already preparing to replace it with someone I had never dreamt of having.
The past that was so intricately written for me was not and will never be an ending. For what lies ahead is bound to be something more worthy of every tear, laughter, aspiration and love that I hold within me.
