Ch.14 You Got This
There’s No Guidebook, But There’s This
I truly believe that if you take my advice, go to therapy, and use some of my experiences to alleviate the difficulties of going through yours, you will get past this.
Our memories will never be forgotten, but we will move forward with them behind us. Our experiences are part of us, for better or worse; this is undeniable. I tried to pretend a chapter in my life never really existed, that it had no effect on the rest of my story. The result was a life with glaring plot holes, one that didn’t quite make sense, until I went back and studied that awful chapter so I could learn from it.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to talk or not talk. To scream and cry or be quiet for a whole day. Just stay engaged with something that isn’t suffering. Nothing lasts forever, sweetie, even this, I promise. It took me a long time to come out of the dark place so you take all the time you need. I just wanted to talk to you because it took me so damn much longer than it should have because I was alone. You are not. You really aren’t.
It doesn’t happen all at once, and I’m not expecting this book to be a miracle. You don’t need a miracle anyway, because miracles are something you can’t explain, and shouldn’t expect. Believe in your strength and your ability to just do the work, go to therapy, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wake up, do the things you need to do, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat. Pet your new puppy, read some books and learn the clarinet in between. And then out of nowhere, something will make you laugh, a real laugh — full bellied, tear-streaming, face hurting, as hard as you used to laugh — laugh. That moment, that flicker of joy in which all the pain and shame and hurt and horror ceases to exist, even for just an instant? You may not even realize it happened until later on, but that is the beginning and will happen more and more, for longer and longer periods of time. Eventually, entire minutes get better, hours get brighter, the world begins to feel warmer, and the shift from saying that you’re okay to being okay comes upon you like a blanket thrown over you in the night.
