Ch. 16 This Isn’t About You… Yet
As Difficult As It Will Be, You Have to Control Your Emotions
As humans, it is nearly impossible for us to process information through any other perspective than our own. That’s just human nature. Our instinct to survive and protect ourselves causes us to immediately decide how we should react to a situation based on its potential impact on our lives. You can’t control it, and I don’t blame anyone for their reaction to the news that a loved one has been through the unthinkable. I’m not saying you can’t be angry, upset, distraught, whichever emotions come to you. They are all justified. But in this case, you need to be careful how they are expressed. On your own or with others, you can cry and scream and wail all you want, but when you are in front of the victim, you really need to control yourself, as difficult as it may be.
In my case, after my sexual assault, the knowledge that I was repeatedly raped by awful men was difficult enough for my parents to handle, but learning that I was tortured and beaten may not have been apparent until I walked into the hospital room and they saw the state I was in. I know this was a shock to them, of course, and I didn’t blame them for being upset. But their reactions are vivid in my mind only because it was one of the worst memories regarding my attack next to the assault itself. I don’t blame my parents for this at all. They had no idea what they were in for and to my knowledge didn’t get much warning besides the rape crisis counselor saying that they needed “to prepare themselves,” or something like that. She may have even said that I “didn’t look good” but either way, they had just driven from Providence to NYC in about two hours knowing only that their daughter had been attacked, sexually assaulted and was in the hospital. That was the only information they were given before I walked into the door just minutes later. They barely had time to gage whether it was all a nightmare, never mind prepare themselves for its reality.
My parents’ reactions weren’t their fault, but I can’t forget how they made me feel. I was being held and rocked too tight. It felt obtrusive and uncomfortable. I didn’t want to listen to them sob, it made me want to run away. My presence in the room, in their lives, was causing them a pain no parent is ever prepared for, but unlike a death, I was there to bear it all. It was too overwhelming. I remember just staring at the floor, waiting to leave. This wasn’t what I needed. I was nervous to see them, but thought it would be all right. That they would comfort me like when I was a child who’d scraped her knee. No band aids or kisses would make it all better, but I thought their embrace would be a start. Instead, it made me feel worse. It made me feel violated again somehow.
Like I said, they weren’t prepared, no one is. Let’s change that right now. This is what I wish someone would have said to them before I came in the room:
Lauren is on her way in, she’ll be here in just a few minutes, but I wanted to speak with you first. I know you are both upset and want to see your daughter and you will very soon, but you need to both listen to me right now and try to really focus on my words. You want to help your daughter, right? I know you both do, so the best thing you can do right now is listen to me very carefully:
Lauren has gone through a lot, she is weak physically and emotionally. She does have some visible injuries that I want you to prepare yourselves for, because they will not be easy to look at. This is your little girl, and I know it will be hard to see her this way. But you have to keep it together. You have to be strong for her. You can’t break down right now. You need to focus on her and be the pillars of support that she can lean on. I assume you both have support systems of your own, and as soon as you can get to them, you can fall apart all you want. You need to get it out as well, you are also victims in this. But there is a time and a place and that is not right now.
You are the first people she’s going to see after those horrible men and a handful of strangers she’s only surrounded by because of what happened to her. This means you need to be her strength, you need to be the beacon of light that reminds her of the love and the good she has in her life. Otherwise, you will only add to the darkness.
This doesn’t mean you can’t be upset, of course you will be upset. But hold it together as best you can. You are here to be there for her. Remember that and be strong. Deep breaths you two… I’ll go get her.
