Ch. 18 Nobody Said It Was Easy
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The rollercoaster of emotions that goes along with coping after a sexual assault, or coming to terms with sexual abuse, is indescribable. Between the shame, fear, embarrassment and self-repulsion, all occurring both in waves and at the same time, the effect this has on a victim can render them comatose. While the initial reaction to trauma may be shock, which can lead to a prolonged stupor in victims, that usually doesn’t last for much more than a day or so after the incident. What comes after is a kind of sadness that is hard to describe. It is a state of depression that isn’t clinical, rather it’s a combination of grieving for yourself, mourning the life you may have had if this had never happened, constant heartache, self-disgust, and a view of the world through bleak-colored glasses. Maybe it is pure melancholy, I don’t know, but it is state of sorrow that isn’t easy on anyone involved, whether they’re in it or trying to support someone who is.
There’s no guide book for how to handle yourself around your hurting loved one. There is no universal rule for what is the right or wrong thing to do at any moment. And it’s not you or them, because as lost as you are in trying to deal with them, they don’t know how they should be dealt with. This is why so often the person will tend toward solitude; isolation from the world is the only way a victim may feel safe. This desire to be alone isn’t something you should worry about right now, it’s completely normal. This person that you love, that you would do anything for, they are broken. You have to accept that fact if you really want to be there for them. It’s not easy, but no amount of prayers or positive vibes is going to put them back together. Be patient. The normalcy that once existed in your lives is gone forever. But that doesn’t mean you can’t come out with a better normal on the other side, one full of strength, love and growth. An appreciation for the good in life, the beauty of colors and the warmth of sunshine, the feeling deep down in the heart of your soul that each day is a gift. Things won’t go “back to normal” but that doesn’t mean that nothing will ever be okay again.
All that time that your loved one is spending alone, a lot of it will be very quiet. The kind of quiet so present that your ears ring. But sometimes, behind those closed doors, you will hear crying. Sometimes you will hear a sobbing so deep, it almost feels like it’s coming up from the floor and through the walls into your person and out as pure agony. This is going to be heartbreaking to hear and it won’t get easier the more you hear it. But victims need to get that out. Silence can be a comfort, but with everything going on inside, sometimes it comes out in an excruciating release that tears its way out in an outburst both violent and cathartic. Don’t interrupt these hard cries, because as much as they hurt, they are also very healthy. It feels so good to let it out that it shouldn’t be stopped until we’ve run out of tears, and sit breathlessly returning to the world around us in a daze of wakefulness. Wait a few minutes until you don’t hear anything anymore and if they’re sleeping, that’s perfect. Leave them be. Otherwise, don’t be scared to offer a tiny olive branch. Maybe knock on the door or poke your head into the room. Even send them a text message: “Wanna talk?” or “Need a hug?” Don’t be afraid that you’re bothering them. The worst they will do is say nothing at all, in which case you can just exit quietly. But no matter their reaction, they will know that you were there for them, and maybe next time it will end differently.
I understand that the initial reaction you have to a grieving victim is the desire to help, but that it may be overcome by fear. Fear of upsetting them, or angering them, of anything you may not know how to handle. So you may tread lightly, wait for them to bring it up, or just pretend nothing is really going on at all, maybe treat them like they have the flu. This behavior, while understandable, only serves to protect yourself, not support the victim. Being strong, being a comfort, isn’t easy. But you have to put yourself out there for them or they will fall into a state of deeper depression and isolation. You are one of the only people who can keep them grounded, connected to the outside world. The only light shining down into their pit of darkness. Don’t put that light out, don’t leave them alone in the blackness.
Victims are not full of hate, as much as it may come off that way. We are full of agonizing anger and humiliation. Although it may come off as hate, and even be hurtful, we know not what we do. We can’t control our emotions; we can’t even pinpoint which emotion caused us to lash out at you because we’re already feeling six others. Give us the benefit of the doubt and don’t match our vitriol with your own.
We may not show it, and it may not be reciprocated anytime soon, but deep down, that doesn’t mean we don’t recognize your love, or your effort. Appreciating the attempt may be down the road, but it will not be forgotten. Social norms and common courtesy simply aren’t high on the list of things we’re capable of doing right now — hell, we can barely eat or sleep. I know it’s hard to always be the bigger person, but right now, no matter how insufferable we are, it isn’t personal. When we become a certain level of intolerable, it is only a defensive mechanism, a reaction to someone caring that our broken heart cannot fully comprehend. We are hurting so much that we want to make others hurt as well. Don’t let us, just take that as a cue to dip out. That’s probably what we wanted all along.
At some point, your loved one may bring up the subject seemingly out of nowhere. While you’re doing the dishes, in the middle of a TV show, during the most trivial of times. It may seem random, but since the assault is always running through their mind, it’s more like they just invited you into the conversation that’s already been going on inside their head. It can be startling, but this is a good thing and you should let it run its course. Keep doing what you’re doing, don’t suddenly stop, but gradually lean in, and try not to ask any questions or make any comments or you may interrupt the conversation, derailing their train of thought.
When they’re finished, when they’ve stopped talking, whether they’re looking at you or off into space, you have to say something. Silence is going to be interpreted in all the wrong ways: I shouldn’t have said that, I grossed them out, I upset them, They’re disgusted, They’re judging me, They think it’s my fault, They’ll never look at me or talk to me the same way again, I’m never bringing that up again. Chances are, you are going to have no idea what to say, and they’re going to have no idea what they even want to hear. They just needed to get whatever was inside of them out, to get it all out of their head by bringing it out into the open. This is so important for healing, a huge step in the right direction, so you don’t want to do or say the wrong thing and deter them from ever sharing again. Now, you can’t say Everything is okay, because it’s not, and you can’t promise Everything is going to be okay, because it’s hollow. Promise what you know, what you can control, and what you believe in so dearly that it can be manifested out of that faith. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I will be here for you whenever you need me. You will get through this; we will get through this. Love, solidarity, hope.
