Ch.15 You Can’t Fix This
As a parent, close family member or loved one, I know all you would like to do is be able to take the pain away. To wave a magic wand and make it all better. If only it were that easy, but the fact is it isn’t. So the best thing you can do is forget about that. Don’t wallow in wishing, don’t tell the victim that you wish you could make it all better. They know it’s not possible, either, and telling them this only puts your own pain onto them. Informing them that you wish you could do something that is impossible is introducing them to a problem they don’t need to worry about. They don’t need to know your despair, they have plenty of their own. So even if you need to express your wishes aloud to yourself or to someone else a few times, there are more helpful things you could say to the victim instead.
First and foremost, what this person in your life has gone through is the most devastating, personally soul-shattering thing that someone can go through as a sole victim. Unless you have gone through the exact same scenario, please don’t compare the event to anything else, at least not for a time. This is their uniquely horrible experience and theirs alone. There are ways to comfort victims through commiseration, but shared stories putting your experience (or worse, simply someone you know) and theirs side by side for comparison is not what they need right now. In doing so, you are not only taking away attention from the victim and putting it on yourself, but you are suggesting the intense impact the assault or abuse has had on them isn’t justified by implying it is a common occurrence.
No matter who you are to the victim, sharing any kind of sexual assault or abuse that they’ve gone through with you is incredibly difficult. He or she who has confided in you has done so with great pains. Not only are they embarrassed and ashamed, but talking about the experience while they are still working through it is reliving the trauma all over again, and this is something no victim volunteers to do lightly. Not only is it excruciating to them, but they know this information will hurt you, too. Therefore, they recognize that they are actively causing someone they love pain by sharing what they are sharing. Recognizing this feeling and conveying appreciation that they are opening up to you anyway will be extremely comforting. What has happened to the victim is incredibly hard to talk about, so any intonation of gratitude for sharing will be appreciated very much. They are sharing something with you because they want you to know. Not to hurt you, but because they want to stay close to you. Without you knowing what they’ve gone through, that closeness is only superficial, so letting them know it means a lot to them that they’re sharing with you is a good start.
Remember, in sharing this awful part of their existence with you, they are putting a huge amount of trust in you. No one has a right to know, no matter how close they are to the victim. This is theirs, and theirs alone. The worst thing you can do is accept the trust they just put in your lap and then throw it out the window. Never ask for more details such as circumstances, who the attacker or attackers were to them, what they were doing at the time, when exactly this happened, nothing. If they want to share more information with you, they will. If you do think they would like to share more with you but aren’t sure if they should, simply ask something like “Do you want to talk about it?”. If not, supportive follow-up offers include but are not limited to:
Do you want…
a hug?
a glass of water?
me to stay here with you?
me to go?
to [name an activity they enjoy such as ‘get ice cream’ or ‘grab a drink’]?
Of course, there is a chance that you may not have heard your loved one’s story directly from them, perhaps it was relayed to you by someone close to them and you are about to talk to them for the first time. Whether you have come to learn of the tragedy directly from the source or through someone else, there is one question that everyone must not ask: the dreaded, “Are you okay?”. This may seem harmless and you may be sincere, but this question should be completely off-limits. First of all, let me answer this question in place of the victim so you don’t feel tempted to ask anyway, “Of course not… Seriously?”
Look, I don’t want to be insensitive here, so let me explain why this question is borderline offensive. It all comes back to the type of trauma we’ve been through. Sexual assault and abuse are a special kind of trauma, but they are trauma nonetheless. The healing process is just that, a process. Recovery time isn’t like that of a typical injury or procedure. It can take years to fully heal, and even when healed that doesn’t mean the scars won’t always sting. Imagine you get a call that your close loved one was in a horrible car accident, that they were in the hospital and in critical condition, but they were conscious, they were going to make it. When you arrived in their hospital room, would you look at their bruised body, their bloodied and swollen face, their full-body cast and ask, “Are you okay?” The emotions you would feel in seeing their horrible state, the fear, sadness and desperation along with the elation you would feel that they’re alive, those are the expressions that would spill forth: “Oh my god… thank god you’re alright… how are you feeling?” Those are the reactions fit for someone who has gone through something awful and come out on the other side. That person in the hospital bed laying there in pain, they’re feeling pretty far from okay, but you can both share in the sentiment that they’re happy to be alive. That although it may be a long road ahead, with their strength and your support, you can all get through this together.
