Breaking Through the Grip of Shame after Narcissistic Abuse
There are many roadblocks we encounter on our journey to recovery after narcissistic abuse. But there is one, and perhaps the strongest grip that many of us face when working through trauma and abuse. That is shame. Shame is something we all feel. I would argue that it is a human condition.
Researcher, author, life coach, Brene Brown illustrates shame as a continuum. On one end, we have empathy, which is a healthy emotion that narcissists lack. Opposite to that is a cluster of other negative feelings such as fear, blame, and disconnection. In the middle of the continuum lies vulnerability, a feeling that can move like a dial along an old car radio. When we are victims of narcissistic abuse, that dial is close to the point of the “negativity cluster.”This is why we may feel heavy or stuck in place. We are living in a reality that is not our own. How could we be our true selves? Authenticity is lost when we cannot be vulnerable.
Brown goes further by offering three key components to overcome shame. They are courage, compassion, and connection. The original meaning of the word courage was, “to speak your mind with your heart.” Derived from the Latin word, “cur” which means “heart,” courage restores some of the humanity that we lost or never developed because of abuse. Humans are wired to tell stories. Telling your story can loosen the grip of shame. You will grow a little stronger with every truth you tell.
How can we hear others without moving to shame and judgment? Compassion opens passageways for honest communication. I think compassion builds trust. Identifying your allies is a huge part of recovery. Seek people who are compassionate, because everyone you know may not be receptive to your story. They could blame shift or turn a deaf ear to you simply because of their ignorance of narcissistic abuse. There is a wealth of online help such as YouTube channels, blogs, podcasts, private Facebook groups, etc. The people there have similar challenges, so there is a great chance you will be safe.
Finally, a connection will allow us to forge meaningful relationships with others. We build strong and loving relationships when we are clear with our intentions. Intentions can release us from the grips of anything not serving us, including shame. Often times people who were toxic for us entered our lives because we did not have clear intentions or any at all. Manipulative people can sense an unsure person a mile away, and that is what motivates them to enter your life in the first place.
It’s important to remember that shame is a human condition and is triggered for different reasons. Body image, parenting, careers, relationships, etc. bring about triggers of shame. We turn over much of our lives to shame because we don’t want to talk about our trauma. The catch is, the less we talk about it, the more power we give to it. And it affects how we live, work, and build relationships. Oprah’s definition of vulnerability is being able to open up your soul and let it flow so other people can see their soul in yours. Let’s work to move that needle toward the side of empathy, and overcome the grip of shame after narcissistic abuse.
