If You Only Want To Be Happy After Narcissistic Abuse, You’ve Got it Wrong
I remember spending time with an ex-boyfriend (wasn’t a narc, but definitely emotionally unstable) and frequently thinking, I just want to be happy. I had entered in to a relationship solely for the purpose of having someone make me happy. Silly. But, I was in my 20s and still hadn’t yet reached a level of maturity and self-responsibility.
For some of you, you may have been attracted to a significant other, a friend, or even a job because of the perceived promise of joy and fulfillment. The love bombing phase convinced you that there would be an abundant supply of gifts, favors, kept promises, and whatever other illusions the abuser presented.
So what results came about from this?
Well, over time you were groomed to rely on others for happiness and fulfillment. You lost the ability or perhaps never learned the ability to show up for yourself. What happens when we show up for ourselves? We become friends with ourselves. We treat ourselves well — self-love, self-care. And this leads to a bypass for loneliness. See, when we are our best friend first, we are never truly lonely. Yes, we are alone sometimes. But loneliness is not the monster that creeps in to our psyche when we expect others to fulfill our core desires.
It’s human nature for our brains to create stories. This is a huge part of creating an identity. For me, my identity has been largely tied to ancestral patterns and bloodline characteristics. Now, all of these are not negative, but they are all confining. For example, my maternal family has many educators. It’s where I get my affinity for academics. But no one in that family has become an entrepreneur and created their own legacy of success. They have all relied on a “desk job,” or working for an organization. So for most of my life, I have believed that my success and credibility comes from working for someone else and moving up the ranks in one place. Now that I have transitioned to coaching and mindset healing services, it is sometimes difficult to believe in it. I’ve had to recreate my identity from scratch. Now I realize that applying for dozens of jobs and getting rejected or no response was my attempt to achieve “happiness.” It was not happiness or joy, it was my brain trying to return to a place of safety. Remember, our brains are wired for safety, not success. Be aware that, in this case, what you consider happy is not happy in reality; it is merely the place your brain has identified as safe.
So why do I suggest that being happy should not be your only goal after narcissistic abuse? Because if you only desire happiness, you run the risk of returning to your brain’s safety zone. There first should be a great deal of work on your self-awareness, then your acceptance of what is. Following that, you can finally grab the reigns of your life and claim your power. It’s about being compatible in life, not compliant. Making decisions that resonate with you from within, not an external sense of gratification.
Wouldn’t it be so much more fulfilling to live life with a spirit of curiosity instead of getting looped in to cycles of manipulation and control?
If you feel ready to work on creating a life of freedom, I’d love to talk with you. Reach out here. Also check out a few options that may benefit you here.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
