Your “Crazy” Family May Be A Narcissistic Family
There are Amazon Affiliate links in this article.
“But if you meet him, you would like him.” That’s what I’d tell people after divulging an unfavorable experience involving my father. The experience didn’t always involve me directly, but it did involve his behavior, his words, a family event, or anything else in his distorted reality.
The intangible aspects of life are often the most challenging to articulate. Narcissistic abuse, sometimes called emotional abuse, is insidious. For people like me who were raised in a narcissistic family, the abuse probably didn’t become apparent to them until they reached a point of relational discernment. Or a gauge of acceptable treatment and unacceptable treatment. There’s no standard age for that. It could be during the gap year after college, or the summer before your 40th birthday. Some people may live their entire life and never become self-aware. It’s also typical that explaining or describing the abuse is complicated or unclear. A victim of narcissistic abuse may describe their experiences inaccurately using disjointed language or colloquialisms that would suggest whatever they’re talking about is completely different than what it actually is.
For example, the average person from a healthy family would not understand what I mean by saying, “he’s trying to have control,” when I’m discussing the process of having my basement finished and how my dad is paying for much of it. What I’m describing is my narcissistic father’s way of love bombing me or securing a primary source of supply. Instead, they may think I’m being an ungrateful brat. It’s hard to expose the narcissist in believable ways.
Growing up in a narcissistic home means your entire life has been emotionally dysfunctional. Each family member has a role that plays into that dysfunction. The scapegoat, the black sheep, the golden child, the lost child. They all are byproducts of emotional instability. It is a facet of narcissism. A personality disorder is not limited to the individual. Moreover, the cause of narcissism is often linked directly back to family systems. Systems that are extremely layered.
One of these layers is neglect. Parents or guardians do not tend to the emotional needs of the child/ren. Rather, their main concern is getting their own needs met. The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman states that “in narcissistic families, the needs of the parent system are paramount.” Narcissists lack empathy…for anyone. They cannot place themselves in someone else’s shoes. The feelings and emotions of others do not matter.
Achievements are not celebrated in a genuine fashion, but instead, their reaction is gravid with obligation or silence. Validation is not offered sincerely. However, your parent/s may use your accomplishments as an extension of themselves. For example, your father will not congratulate you on earning your master’s degree, but he will make it a point to tell your neighbors about the accomplishment. (It’s about making himself likable to your neighbors, not because he is proud of you.) This is neglect and will make you feel invisible.
Another layer of narcissistic families is the lack of healthy discernment and self-trust. A narcissist does not like anyone to think for themselves. They see independence as threatening because their goal or purpose is to manipulate you and control you. They have to be the center of attention almost all of the time. And they WILL NOT be vulnerable with ANYONE. They are skilled actors, so it may appear like they are, but this is really a manipulation tactic.
How does this affect your relationships? Well, as a youth you probably didn’t have many friends and if you did, they were not healthy friendships. Those friends were most likely people who “needed” you in some capacity or benefited from your resources. Or even worse, they bullied you and dominated the relationship. Children of narcissists learn subconsciously that poor treatment is normal and to look outside of themselves for validation. Although certain situations and people don’t feel right, you find some way to justify it or blame yourself. The reality you grew up in was distorted, so as you move through life, it is challenging to discern healthy from unhealthy.
The word “boundary” probably sounds negative to you. Because you did not get your emotional needs met and didn’t learn how to express your needs and feelings appropriately, you learned to mask your feelings. And when your feelings are masked, you cannot set healthy boundaries. Your narcissistic parent shamed you or vilified you when you did speak up about something you didn’t like or simply said no. This conditioned you to be a doormat in some situations because you have a subconscious fear of being shamed should you speak up. A person with no boundaries is like a playground for manipulative people. And those are the kinds of people you have attracted your entire life.
Despite these massive shortcomings, your family most likely resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside: it looks great until you bite into it and discover the worm (Donald-Pressman). People, including yourself, have called your family members crazy, weird, “out of place,” etc. etc. But that is just to make light of the actual trauma that has been inflicted. The traits of the narcissistic family are invisible to those outside of the family. It looks just fine from the outside, and it may even look good from the inside.
Because your family did such a stellar job at creating alternate identities and there was no substance abuse or mental illness, you may be baffled at how your problems could stem from your family. But like an onion, there are layers and layers to be peeled away, revealing the truths at the core. There is psychology behind your crazy family. Discovering that will offer the clarity and perspective needed to take ownership of the reigns of your life.
Sign up for a free 5 Day Breakthrough Challenge here.
