ADULTING
Don’t Borrow Grief From the Future
Do these 3 things instead
Yesterday, it was a mere sentence among the thousands of motivational content found on a social media site. Over time, it became a place of my significant becomings and epiphanies. Today, that mere sentence is my mantra, an incantation to shove my anxiety away.
Don’t borrow grief from the future. Enjoy happiness when it comes your way.
I often find it hard to accept that things can somehow be okay because for a long time being miserable was my default. For a long time, life always felt overwhelming, I often had this urge to shut down and escape everything.
I wish I could simply turn my brain off and fall into oblivion because I worry too much, even a moment of happiness can feel wrong.
What if I’m only happy because I unwittingly forgot a responsibility?
What if this happiness is fate’s bargaining chip for tomorrow’s tragedy?
What if I’m not really happy at all?
Why would I be anyway?
There is so much to achieve, so many plans to make, bills to pay, and chores to do. In today’s world, after everything is said and done, is there even time to feel joy?
Like any other citizen of the 21st century, I often found myself caught in this infinite whirlwind of ambitions and responsibility. I often remind myself: There is no train to catch up. Life is not a race and surely, it isn’t a marathon. I’m not running behind. No, I’m not running at all. I’m dancing to the music of my own choice.
And I hope you are too. I hope that death finds us alive and laughing in this lifetime. Because after everything is said and done, it is the only deadline left to meet. In today’s world, you might decide that there is no time left for joy. But surely, there is time left for death.
Don’t borrow grief from the future. Celebrate your victories.
We celebrate birthdays, graduations, engagements, and job promotions.
But, we never celebrate shifting a college program, ending a relationship, or quitting a job. They too are victories, in the same way that the mere act of existing is already a triumph.
- Last year, I quit my job.
- Nowadays, I rarely talk to my family and I just felt more liberated than ever.
- Last week, I cooked 1 kilo of ground pork, a week’s worth of meal.
- Yesterday, I woke up early and practiced coding. Then, I attended a meeting for our school project and slept all through the afternoon.
- Today, I’m writing this article.
I know, it’s not the I-won-in-this-contest-I found-a-job-I graduated-today type of milestone. It’s nothing but a typical year, a regular last week, and a mundane day. However, those milestones rarely happen. Responsibilities and boring habits became our life. Our self-doubt becomes our morning coffee and existential crisis becomes our nighttime routines. Our birthday becomes another reminder of all the things we have not yet achieved.
Day by day, I see more and more of my mistakes and worries. I became my harshest critic when I should be my number one supporter. I became fixated on finding a job or graduating as early as possible. I need to remind myself that these milestones are not the only milestones there is.
Nowadays, I have more courage to try new things. I felt more contented being alone. I am more secure and assertive than I was before. These are also milestones and I should be grateful to myself for it.
I was so focused on becoming the person that I wanted to be that I forgot to thank myself for the person that I have become today. I had my own set of negative experiences and huge amounts of self-loathing to brave through.
You had your own too and if you’re like me, you are still probably braving through it. The world might not celebrate our failures and everyday becomings, but let us celebrate them anyway.
Perhaps, tomorrow’s failures might be more catastrophic. Maybe, you’re right, there is nothing to hope for. But don’t borrow grief from the future.
Look at how far you’ve come. Look at how long you stood for yourself, and at least be proud of that.
Don’t borrow grief from the future. If it happens, then it will happen.
I would think of all the ways that I could fail tomorrow and feel them today because I thought that if I did, tomorrow’s failure would hurt less.
But I only ended up punishing myself for a failure that is yet to happen instead of enjoying today’s triumph.
I kept on living a bleak future just so I could feel prepared for tomorrow.
But here’s the thing. Nobody is truly prepared. Everybody is just figuring out their way through life. Forgive yourself for not knowing everything because you simply can’t. You won’t figure out all the kinds of exact failures that you will face tomorrow. All you can do is hope and be grateful for today.
It’s hard but let go and live for today. A simulation of pain will never match the actual pain of failure, it will just make you more anxious than ever.
If it happens, it happens. Make do with things. If you’re happy right now, then feel that happiness as much as you can. Don’t allow anxiety to eat it.
Feel it.
And when it’s time to be sad, feel that sadness to the bones.
