Turning Shadows into Strength: My Unconventional Coping Mechanism
How I Cope With Life
Harnessing Inner Turmoil: A Personal Strategy for Resilience
We all have methods we use to cope with life’s troubles:
Meditation, exercise, writing in a diary. We all got ways we cope with stress. And while none of the aforementioned methods above are terrible methods (hell, I even do all of them from time to time), there has been one and only one method that has been consistent for me. That has allowed me to survive through everything.
This is about sharing that method. This may work for you. It may not. It largely depends on circumstances and how you are as a person.
Anyways, without further ado, let me illuminate you.
Here’s Some Background:
I am a senior in high school. I am an Indian-American. And yes, the stereotypes about Asian parents are based in reality. Growing up, my parents have always compared me to other people. They compared me to my older cousin especially. He’s 7 years older than me, and more successful than I could ever hope to be. He got a 1600 SAT score on the first try. A 36 on the ACT first try as well. He got into U.C. Berkeley and was a STEM man through and through. This is who my parents compare me to. The struggle is real. The stereotypes are based in reality. If you’re an Asian-American high school student, you’ll understand how I feel.
It did not really help that my grades were never the best. Well, good compared to the grades my cousin got, at least. Not to mention I never had the sort of flashy extracurricular activities that my cousin had. I wasn’t a music prodigy, nor did I have much athletic talent (though I try to keep myself fit). I had volunteering hours, a lot of them (around 500 in total ever since the start of 8th grade), but let’s be real here, volunteering is not something that you can easily boast about, at least compared to being a team captain or musical prodigy. I had won 3 speech competitions when I was in Middle School, and I was competing against high school students in those competitions, but once again, not as easy to brag about. They always let me know that I was a bitter disappointment to them, and they always told me that they got embarrassed at reunions and parties.
My self-esteem, my self-worth, and whatever confidence I had in myself were always getting destroyed. It was destroyed by my parents, first and foremost. But it also was destroyed by the rest of my extended family. Especially my dad’s side. I was the 2nd oldest person when compared to my cousins on my dad’s side, and as a result, was apparently supposed to be some superstar role model for the younger cousins to emulate. They were of course disappointed when I wasn’t how they liked me to be. Their consistent criticism, taunting, mockery, and comments also played a major role in destroying my self-esteem. But the final, and arguably what I consider to be the largest factor in killing my self-esteem, was the defeats and losses. The losses hurt 5 times more than the victories, and I had more losses than victories in my life. And a large pile of losses will have an effect on you inevitably.
All of this piled on me and wore me down. I came close to full collapse. Many times. So many times, I thought that this was the end for me. That this single grade/action would cause me to fall apart like a house of cards.
But I’m still alive, as you can probably tell. I’m still fighting.
And it’s all because of a method I use to cope.
A Man of Vices:
I am a man of vices.
I won’t try to hide the fact that I have many flaws.
I get sad easily (just mentioning someone else’s success makes me feel sad), and get angry even easier. I am far too swift to anger. Recently, I got into an argument with my mom. I said some things I shouldn’t have said, and made her cry. I apologized afterward, but the memory won’t fade anytime soon. I am a man much given to grudges. I don’t forgive easily, and I NEVER forget all the times I’ve been slighted and wronged.
I am an extremely envious and jealous person. That is to be expected, considering how often I was compared to my cousins. I am not a grateful person. I don’t stop to be thankful for what I do have. People say that’s what makes me unhappy. Perhaps they’re right. But I’ve tried to think positive. I’ve tried to look on the bright side, to be an optimist, to look at the glass as half-full.
But all it does is simply remind me of what I DON’T have. All it does is make me bitter and resentful. I can’t be grateful because I can’t afford to be grateful. You can only be grateful if you know you’ve done something worthwhile in your life. Something that you can look back on and pat yourself on the back for. And frankly, there ain’t a single thing I’ve done in my life that’s been worthwhile.
So no, that’s not an option.
So what is it that I do? How do I cope?
That shall be explained next.
Own Your Demons
I remember when I got this realization.
I remember like it’s yesterday. All this time I had been trying (and failing) to be a paragon of perfection. All this time I’d been suppressing my flaws. And each time I failed, my self-esteem went down lower and lower.
A part of myself was trying to convey the message to the rest of me. I still remember exactly the words were:
“The path to success is not to vanquish your demons, but to own them.”
The path to success is not to vanquish your demons, but to own them.
All this time I had mistakenly believed that my imperfections were preventing me from achieving what I desired. So I tried to change what were integral parts of my personality. But I hadn’t realized that these flaws made up who I was as a person. I couldn’t change them any more than I could change my skin color.
This is my strategy put simply
Use your flaws/imperfections as fuel for motivation.
All the rejections and defeats and doubts. All of the flaws and imperfections. All of that despair. All of that hopelessness. All of that bitter smoldering disappointment. All the self-deprecating thoughts. All of the anger. All of the envy/jealousy. All of that stress and worry. All of that hatred. Every single ounce of negative emotion you feel. Use it.
Use it like how one uses a whetstone to sharpen a sword. Use it to clear and sharpen your mind. Use it as fuel for your motivation. Release it instead of restraining and suppressing it.
That’s the method I use. And it’s helped me a lot.
Some may not like the sound of my strategy. They may say it is “too negative”. Too “self-hating”. They may argue that it will only lead to more depression. But I don’t see it that way. What I do is strategic and necessary. It’s how I’ve learned to survive through everything.
And it allowed me to confront my extended family.
No doubt they were disappointed I wasn’t the type of person they wanted. Disappointed I wasn’t the type of person who would work themselves to death with a billion college-level classes. And what they said to me is no doubt punishment for my “failure”. It was supposed to put me down. Make me feel guilty about myself and my actions.
Well, it was supposed to, at least.
They underestimated me. They thought I was the same. They thought that I would be like last time, the type of person to break in the face of overwhelming challenges. So they rained their barrage of insults down. They taunted and mocked me.
They never suspected that with every one of their taunts, every sore nerve struck, that they were strengthening me. That they were adding fuel to the fire.
I got news back from 5 universities. All of them had accepted me. I, of course, accepted the university of my dreams.
I remembered telling them about it. Narrating it in full detail. And I said what still gives me satisfaction even to this day: “I don’t care that you’re not proud of me. Because I finally am proud of myself.”
I don’t care that you’re not proud of me. Because I finally am proud of myself. That’s a job well done in my opinion.
Let me Conclude
So… this is where I am now. I have a wonderful friend group ready to support me when times get rough. I have been accepted into a top-tier program at my dream college.
Now is my life perfect? Absolutely not. There are many things I still have to do. Many goals to be accomplished, dreams to be achieved. There are still a great deal of obstacles I must face, both in the future and on a daily basis.
But with this coping mechanism? I will be able to move forward. I know this because I’ve done it before, and I will do it again, a thousand times if I must.
Thank you so much for reading this! I hope this helps you in your lives!
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