You are born to stand out, not fit in!
People-pleasing is a vice, a curse, that must be avoided at all costs
Let me tell you a story.
One of tragedy and heartbreak. One of lost opportunities and misfortune. An overall truly sad story. Allow me to give you some context to this story.
Over Christmas Break, I went to NJ to be with my maternal extended family. It was truly a fun time. I had a large family, with a lot of cousins, some of whom I hadn’t met in many years. My cousin’s close friends were also present. We all gathered around in a large circle and told everyone everything. We all talked about our jobs/college majors, personal situations, all of it. I laughed along at so many of them, and there were a few sad stories, so I empathized.
But there was one story that blew the others out of the water on how tragic it was: Suresh. By the end of Suresh’s story, many of us by the end were either incredibly saddened, in righteous indignation/anger towards multiple people, or a mix of both. I fell in the “mix” category. Without further ado, let me tell you that story.
Suresh was the oldest of all of us, being nearly 31 years old. Now, at his age, in Indian culture, you’d have been married for a few years and having kids at that age. But he wasn’t married, nor did he have children. And he told us why.
Suresh had always excelled in academics. He studied in India, at a top high school in the state of Karnataka. He was in the top 5 of the school when it came to grades. In America, that would’ve been like the equivalent of earning a ~4.0 GPA. He went to the Indian Institute of Technology Madras, which is the premier institute for higher education in Engineering/Science in India. He got an internship at a university in the United States and majored in Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering. He seemed to have impressed the people at NASA because they offered him an extremely high-paying, top-notch job.
But that wasn’t all. He was also a highly religious man. He was an orthodox Hindu through and through. He strictly followed Hinduism. He got up early in the morning (at sunrise), did Sandhyavandanam, and recited all the prayers and mantras he knew (and he knew a lot!). That in itself would’ve been cause enough for praise, but he went further.
A LOT further.
He studied the Vedas themselves, all 4 Vedas (Rig, Sama, Yajur, and Atharva), the Upanishads, the Puranas, the epics (Ramayana and Mahabharata), the Bhagavad Gita, and other texts. He could speak, understand, read, and write Sanskrit fluently (in fact, I take Sanskrit lessons from this guy!). He understood the scriptures like no one I’ve ever seen. He could easily make money teaching the Vedas online (and he has started to do that as a side gig upon my suggestion).
Suresh seemed to be the type of person that every Indian boy wished to be. A son like Suresh would be like a crowning gem for an Indian parent, who they could easily boast about. But more specifically (and importantly), he seemed to be the type of person that every Indian in-laws would want. A husband who has a well-paying job AND was also religious and very traditional!? Most would die to have such a son-in-law like Suresh. You wouldn’t think Suresh would have any trouble whatsoever finding a wife.
You’d be wrong. But you’re entitled to your wrong opinion. Hell, even I, after what he said, couldn’t see how his life could have been so tragic. This guy seemed to have everything going for him. How could anything tragic even happen to him?
And yet, that was exactly what happened. And it wasn’t the fault of Suresh. No, his parents are to blame for this.
When it came to finding a bride for Suresh, his parents made some… incredibly idiotic decisions.
First, his parents decided to find a bride in India instead of looking for an Indian-American. It simply didn’t make any sense why they’d search in India first when there was without a doubt no shortage whatsoever of Indian-American women to marry. Even if he found a good bride in India, that bride would’ve had to come to America (there was no way in hell Suresh would be leaving such a well-paying job). And that created its own set of problems.
But all of that could’ve been manageable. Sure, it was not convenient, but those weren’t impossible hurdles to overcome. But his parents fucked up. And they fucked up horribly.
First, they decided to look at the cities of India. Now, to those who don’t know, the cities in India are the most westernized parts of India. Western lifestyle and behaviors are the be-all and end-all. Indian youth smoke, drink, go to bars, gamble. They engage in all the vices you could think of. And city youth in India deride and mock Hindu traditions and culture, believing it to be “beneath them”.
This wasn’t going to work. And Suresh’s parents LIVED in India their whole lives. How in the hell did they not know this!? Unsurprisingly, this did not go well for Suresh. He was rejected over and over again because these “Westernized” women did not want such a religious husband.
Surely after the first few times, his parents should’ve learned their lesson, and would’ve looked elsewhere… right? Nope. They continued their stupidity and idiocy. And Suresh’s self-esteem and confidence were destroyed. He had depression for a long time.
He was rightfully angry at his parents for ruining his life and cut all communication with them. He has not talked to them for nearly 5 years at this point. For a long time, he couldn’t watch romantic TV shows and movies, because that reminded him of what happened to him. Now, he can watch them, but it still affects him, and it’s obvious if you are with him.
He told us all something we won’t ever forget: Don’t change an integral part of who you are to please someone else.
Don’t change an integral part of who you are to please someone else.
The problem is that we allow the opinions and judgments of others to define us, and to control the direction of our lives.
Humans are social animals. We’ve always been. And this is why we experience loneliness. Loneliness is a warning mechanism our brains use to warn us that the actions we’re doing at a particular moment in time are causing others not to like us. Back when we were still hunter-gatherers, this mechanism was crucial. The greatest fear for a member of a tribe wasn’t getting eaten by some wild animal, but being alienated from the rest of the tribe. We all desire to fit in.
But that becomes problematic when we make other’s opinions and judgments the be-all and end-all. I too am a victim of this. It took a very long time for me to realize that I shouldn’t put too much emphasis on other’s opinions of me and that I’m my own man.
Suresh was a rebel. Many of the potential brides wanted him to give up on being so religious, but he refused. Being an orthodox Hindu was an integral part of his identity, and he refused to give it up just for the sake of another person. And for his courage and faith in his identity, he was punished for it.
Key Message: Don’t dim your inner light to fit into the dull backgrounds of other people’s lives. You were born to be unique, to stand out. If people genuinely care about you, they will appreciate that inner light of yours.
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