On jealousy
This is my first bit of writing on a non technical subject, usually I like to write about programming or science things. But I’m getting to the point where I feel it might be useful both for self reflection and for my fellow humans out there to write some of my poly learnings down.
In poly circles one often hears that jealousy isn’t a thing you should feel. Compersion is the goal and all that, but jealousy is an important indicator as are all negative emotions. For me at least it rearing it’s ugly green head points towards a few possible things.
- I’m exhausted from work or socialising and haven’t spent any time recharging my batteries, meaning that my usual processing methods aren’t working.
- I’m feeling like I’m missing out on something from a partner and haven’t communicated it.
- I’ve gotten annoyed about something, an action someone has taken etc and haven’t properly dealt with / communicated this and so the jealousy comes to the front as a defence mechanism.
Each of these is very valid and useful to feel. It’s a healthy thing. What isn’t healthy, relating to negative feelings, is expecting someone else to fix them for you. We are all responsible for our own emotions and how we express these in our dealing with the people around us.
Telling someone you’re feeling envy or jealousy and that you’re dealing with it is very different to telling them you’re feeling these things and expecting them to fix it for you. One likely comes with an offer of help and understanding, the other likely with some resentment.
In closing… feel your emotions, learn from them and deal with them (if you need outside help with this last bit then that doesn’t make you any less of a person)
