We expect leaders to be the most and least-human person in the room. Here’s how to help.

When asked what the hardest decision he ever had to make as President was, Barack Obama responded with the decision to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. It came during a time of massive pressure to withdraw from the war entirely. There were still plans to do so at some point during his presidency, but for the time being, he had to go against that decision. The decision was not unanimously taken well. The 30,000 troops were being called a ‘surge’. All the while, the Taliban was still an influential force in the areas they occupied, so removing troops too quickly could have meant leaving the area weaker then when America arrived. Obama didn’t want to fuel the likelihood of more war. Timing was everything. He was placed in a tough situation — one that ultimately had no right answer.

But that is the job, right? The President ‘should’ have the mental aptitude to make a decision — most likely based on partial data and 100% full gut — when he or she knows there is no one answer that’s “fully right.” But keep in mind this kind of instinctual decision-making power is not left to only the highest of offices in the world. Leaders in businesses, families and communities need to exhibit this kind of control too. The job of all leaders is a combination of moving forward (usually without the full picture in front of you) and the ability to see far enough in the future to feel confident about making decisions now.

I’ve seen this firsthand in my professional career. A company will come to a crossroad, and a team of people look to the leader for an answer. The leader takes a moment, and chooses a path. They may be willing to discuss the decision, but when it comes to signing a new contract, opening a second location in a new city, or deciding to run for public office, when push comes to shove, there is usually only a single signature on the dotted line.

So when I think about the power that comes with this level of decision-making — a power that nobody else on your team truly has besides your executive leadership — I think of one thing:

Loneliness.

I think about executive level leadership like this: you’re the captain of a ship heading to uncharted waters. You’re sitting in the captain’s quarters, and unbeknownst to you, either you or someone on your team has locked the door. You feel stuck inside. You are responsible for steering the ship to safety and its ultimate destination. You may hear stirrings from outside every now and then giving you some ideas for how people are feeling about where you are taking them — enough to maybe shift the ship one or two degrees — but for all intent and purpose, you’re on your own.

And again, I say: that trip is lonely.

I’ve worked in the technology industry for about ten years, and while I consider myself a leader in my field, I have never been the leader. I’ve been able to get valuable leadership experience, but more than anything, I’ve been able to observe the loneliness that occurs in executive leadership firsthand. I’ve seen it in their faces when they make a decision they aren’t fully confident in. I’ve had discussions where we (and I emphasize we) have failed at delivering what we promised clients. I’ve been a shoulder for leaders who decided to step down from an executive level position because they realized their family is suffering. I’ve taken the reigns for a week or two when leaders just can’t get out of bed through sheer fear and anxiety.

And yet, as a member of the team, you still require these leaders to be the most human and least human person in the room.

You require them to be the most compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, genuine, tactful and responsible person in power. They are placed in situations where they are the arbiter of what is right and what is wrong… sometimes stuck between two bad decisions. A decision to save the company may mean laying off hard-working employees. Hiring someone new means not hiring another. Some of these decisions can have a negative effect directly on those in the company. Executive leaders needs to be human, and yet they also need to exercise an extreme level of logic-based, data-based, evidence-based, neutral, “human-less” objectivity. Leaders also juggle multiple interests, which sometimes means holding their cards close to their chest. They have no safe space to be 100% candid, open upstream or downstream, without risking relationships.

We are asking our leaders to live in a constant state of this dichotomy. And this may sound simple, but they can only be one person at a time. Like I said, I’ve been a shoulder for leaders to cry on when they simply cannot appease all parties at once. That kind of perceived disappointment leads to perceived failure, which if not dealt with, leads to anxiety and depression. One of the biggest upsides of having a strong leader is their ability to live out the brand in everything they do. This gets dangerous when we unconsciously make the leader the brand itself. We consequently put too much stock on their behaviors and abilities in order to succeed, and when they sense this pressure, they can crack.

I’m not asking for sympathy.

I’m asking for you to give them grace.

Being critical of our leaders is necessary. But we need to view them through a realistic lens. They are not superheroes. And when we place the pressure of needing to be these extraordinary super-humans with a piercing level of logic, we run the risk of forcing them into mental instability. Ultimately, with the right level of expectation, and a bit of grace, we can create healthier, more effective, executive leadership.

This is why I have found my journey and role in organizations to be so crucial. While the ‘second in command’ leader doesn’t get as much of the praise or exposure as the front-facing leader receives, they are empowered to be a support for those who do. If you are a major influence or friend to executive level-leaders, do not underestimate your role. If you are one of those people, those ‘behind the scenes’ leaders, be proud of the influence you have. Support your leader in ways they need it. Allow them to vent if they need to vent. Give them the opportunity to ask for a day off. Make sure they know you are willing to lighten the load. Sometimes the only thing leaders need to hear is this:

You are not alone.