by Rita Chen
Hi everybody,
I’m going to provide you with the most useless tidbit of information you’ll ever need. I am completely serious — you will not be able to apply this information to your everyday life at all — unless, of course, you’re part of the 0.083% of the Richmond Hill population that enjoys knitting — if that’s the case, this information will be completely useful to you. Here goes. Are you ready? From one amateur knitter to another:
If you have a significant other, never knit them a sweater or similar woolen clothing item, unless you want to break up with them.
I’m sure there are many questions running through your head after hearing this, including “what?”, “how?”, and “why am I reading this article?”. I assure you, I will provide a holistic answer to those first two. Believe it or not, the Sweater Curse is actually rooted in rational logic. The idea is that once someone has devoted themselves to knitting a sweater, one of three things will happen:
- Your sweater may appear as a gift too intimate for the relationship, causing your significant other to consider their reciprocation of your feelings. The gift may seem too binding/serious for the level of investment they’re interested in.
- Your significant other may not want to actually wear anything hand-knit. Perhaps they are uncomfortable with the connotations of wearing something you made, i.e. putting your relationship on display.
- You may take the sweater-making too seriously, and overestimate how much they’ll appreciate your effort. Knitting is a slow process, and you may feel that the gratitude you receive in return is disproportionate to the amount of care you put into actually knitting.
All of these scenarios could lead to possible break-ups. It could also be that over the arduous process of knitting, your relationship fizzles out, so it is also commonly observed that the relationship ends before the product is even complete. In the extremely niche community of people who write about knitting, this phenomenon is actually commonly discussed. Some wait until marriage to knit their significant others personal items to avoid the Curse, and some even refrain from knitting altogether, afraid that their significant others would feel as if they were “coming on too strong”.
A question you have never asked before, and will likely never ask again, is “how do I avoid the Sweater Curse?” But as your guide and mentor who can’t even purl right, it is my civic duty to give you comprehensive advice. So… tell them about the sweater. Don’t make it a surprise, lest they think you’re cheating on them in the time you’re stalking away to knit in a closet somewhere. Don’t knit it without consulting them about the aesthetic appeal. Maybe you’re colorblind and don’t know it. And, for the love of God, learn how to knit properly first, so you don’t make a fool of yourself when you show your S/O a large knot of wool and ask them to put it on.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
