BTG: broken in the Holy Ghost
Sitting in a sketchy parking lot, lost in a city from a wrong turn, absolutely sobbing into the ugly cry because you’ve been pushing for so long… which ultimately makes you cough… which brings on peeing yourself after all the babies you’ve just had… just enough to make you cry more. Searching the car for Kleenex, that’s covered in everything the kiddos have needed, overwhelming you that your car is in that shape, but yet no Kleenex. You finally find wipes to discover they’re frozen together, so you attempt to warm them enough to rip them apart and freeze your nose or else you’ll end up wearing snot that’s not your kids for once. This… this is brokenness.
Which brings me back to 10 years prior… sitting in a car sobbing outside a coffee shop… most likely more put together… but none the less broken from pushing through full time masters program while working full time and getting married in the midst of it… the week before the licensing exam that would make the work of the last six years come to life, the fear of failure, mixed with remarkable fatigue from battling illness a year prior. It does not matter the circumstances… kids, no kids, work, stay at home, school, finances, relationships, etc… we all get to a place of brokenness truly wondering how in the world we are to take another step, no matter how big or small. That moment outside of the coffee shop a week before my licensure exam I called out angrily to a God I barely knew… exclaiming that there is no way He could possibly bring enough peace to me to be able to move forward. It went something like “God does not have the power to take this away”… INSTANTANEOUSLY my entire body relaxed… everything was still… no racing thoughts, no panic, no chest pain, no heart palpitations… complete stillness. If it was a Disney movie little sweet birds would be chirping and dropping rings of beautiful flowers around me. Nothing externally changed, but internally it was undeniable. I was so so amazed after about 60 seconds I began to weep… not in anger or fear… but in awe of the power of our Lord to hear such a desperate, angry plee… and in a moment change everything within me.
In 10 years I have never forgot that moment… in 10 years I have been broken many other times… times in which peace was not as immediate or easily brought… but never once in which God did not show His face. He has not forsaken or left me through some of the deepest pains and darkest times of my life.
I have learned over the years how thankful I am for the Holy Spirit, who has comforted and held me in my brokenness, to see the face of God. It says in Gods word, after Jesus was to die for the saving of our sins, he would leave us with the Holy Spirit.
John 14:26 (AMP)
But the [a]Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor — Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.
In moments of desperation, in feelings that overwhelm, in the ups and downs of life the Holy Spirit is with us strengthening us and allowing us to be able to see the face of God despite the darkness in our world. As I tore apart my frozen replacement Kleenex, with a sobbing heart, too tired to know what to do, my husband calls, and navigated me out of the city (which at this point there’s a train on the road behind me, yes on the road that apparently doubled as a train track and even further made me cry, because really???)… anyways I do not believe it was coincide he called at that exact moment in time. I believe the Holy Spirit was advocating for me, using my husband to pull me back up and find my way back to talk to God again.
The Holy Spirit works in powerful ways and is an amazing teacher. It says in 1 John 2:20 — 21, 27 HCSB
“But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you have knowledge. I have not written to you because you don’t know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie comes from the truth.
The anointing you received from Him remains in you, and you don’t need anyone to teach you. Instead, His anointing teaches you about all things and is true and is not a lie; just as He has taught you, remain in Him.”
Remaining in Him, remaining in the Word of God, we can allow the Holy Spirit to teach us about His word and applying it to our lives. He provides us with wisdom and discernment to understand the Word and allow its work in our lives. He often brings scripture and the works of God to my remembrance exactly when I need them. Like sobbing in my car 10 years apart and remembering His peace. Or when I’m with friends and gossip is starting, he reminds me about how sharp the tongue is, and how it can crush a spirit or bring life (proverbs 15:4). I can’t count the number of ways the Holy Spirit has put me in the right place at the right time and brought His word to life to see the glory of God shine.
Getting back to brokenness though, the Holy Spirit has comforted me at times that I have not been able to lift my head. I truly believe without Him, my kids would not have a mother with them today. He has taken me to a place, many times, where I could find rest in the Lord to take the next step, despite what is on the outside. We need Him to navigate the sin and darkness in the world today.
I leave you with this
“But you, dear friends, as you build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, expecting the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ for eternal life.”
Jude 1:20–21 HCSB
Keep yourselves focused on the love of God, the gospel, the mercy of Jesus Christ for eternal life… by praying in the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to work in you, holding you, guiding you, teaching you, and strengthening you to trust in Him every waking moment
<3 a broken mama for the Lord
