Don’t you glance back twice, again….!!
It was the night of Christmas. The streets dotted with dazzling Christmas trees and lights of every shape and size dangling from the storefronts served to keep up the fervor of the festival amidst the subdued spirits owing to the pandemic. My husband and I were on our way to a cousin’s place for Christmas celebrations. I have always loved Christmas. The reds and whites and the twinkling lights never fail to make my heart dance.
I looked out of the window soaking in the festive warmth of the season while also enjoying the gentle nudge of the chilly December breeze on my cheeks. Being homebound by the pandemic for the most part of the year, I now looked around with the awe of a new born child exploring the world for the first time — enjoying the Christmas décor in each shop that whizzed by, reading the shop banners, checking out their collections on display, reading the advertisement hoardings and all the usual things we do while on the road. And suddenly something caught my eye — strong enough to pull me out of my reverie and put me on a different orbit. I looked at it twice — a passing glance the first time, reflexively the second time. The way you look twice when you find something strange, unusual. To my very own surprise (and not a pleasant one) — what had struck me strange reflexively, without any conscious thought was a car with lady at the wheel and a man sitting next to her, on the passenger seat lost in the digital world of his cell phone. What would have been usually dismissed by me as trivia gripped my mind so intensely that day. Everything seemed so convoluted and alarmingly clear at the same time. Just like the raindrops on your windshield that blur your vision momentarily only to make it clearer eventually.
How come a woman of my upbringing — one that brimmed with freedom, independence and a very encouraging attitude towards women — finds a lady comfortably holding the position of control and a man being relaxed about it, strange enough to have glanced that way twice? It was unsettling and uplifting at the same time. I liked what I saw, but not my reaction to it. And it disturbed me like an itch that you cannot scratch. Until it dawned upon me.
The reason is me. Not the society, not the men but me and countless other women out there who unknowingly reinforce this mindset through small, probably subconscious behaviors, every day. This is not to say that the society and men do not play a role, but even as I write this there are hundreds and probably thousands of initiatives, blogs, opinion pieces being generated about gender diversity and women empowerment across the globe. At least for us in cities, the society has come a long way, mindsets have changed and probably the onus is on us now.
I have some questions for all women reading this and do be honest with your answers:
Suppose you are planning to go on a date with your husband and think of exploring a new restaurant you have heard of. None of you know the directions. Both of you drive. Would you usually take the initiative to drive? Or is your mind automatically visualizing your husband driving?
You are with your husband in a new city looking to book a cab to head out somewhere. Who books the cab most of the time — is it your husband?
You are at the airport checking in your luggage and the attendant confronts you regarding some issue with your baggage. Well, you may respond, but still doesn’t your mind automatically expect your husband to pitch in or handle it?
If you answered No to all that’s amazing! But I am sure many women, including myself answered YES to these questions. The questions state husband but it could be any male member accompanying you — your brother, friend any one.
The interesting part comes now — Revisit all the three situations in the questions mentioned above with only one difference — you are alone. Would you have then capably handled all of it? I am sure you would have.
The point I try to make here is that a woman is as capable to handle situations as men are, but there is an inherent urge in many women to automatically get dependent and complacent to some extent when in male company. And interestingly, I do not see the urge this strong in men. In many instances, they offer to take up responsibility. Even if you may not be one of these women, I feel you could still vouch for this trait being prevalent, by your experience of seeing many other women around you. I admit to be one of them. And it was not until my second glance at that car that I realized it. It was like a moment of self-revelation to me. We need to stop attributing roles to gender — and this is a two-way street — to all the men out there — women aren’t meant to be cooking as well! It’s a choice. The process of taking up responsibilities needs to be largely gender agnostic.
Being “pro-women” or an advocate for gender equality is as much about changing our own mindset as it is about changing the attitude of the society as a whole. And the former part has to happen first! Latter will follow!
I did not feel compelled to write this to blame women in any way. Rather, I write this to draw attention of myriads of women who love to be independent and even more, to be seen that way by society, towards something that may often go unnoticed because it has always “been the way it is” or because it is so subtly ingrained in our psyche. But at present, there are opportunities abound and we need to shape “the way it will be” going ahead! To be considered “equals”, let us be the “equals” that we are, in our own minds as well!
This New Year I pledge to change my behavior as my two cents towards changing the society. And my other two cents is this experience I shared with you all, hoping to inspire many more women the way I was by that car! Hope my “four cents” go a long way!!!!
There may be many instances that come to mind where women could have taken up a responsibility or performed a task just as well but despite this, you see men taking it up most of the times. It’s interesting to self reflect and be aware of such minute behaviors as they contribute greatly towards developing our psyche and our personality. It would be lovely to hear your experiences or such instances in form of comments!!
