How not to find a Husband in Nigeria

‘’A woman who is not successful in her own marriage has no advice to give her younger generations.’’-Nigerian Proverb

See ehn, I could probably write an entire book on growing up in Nigeria and I bet it’d win an Oscar.
The only problem is that I fear my Nigerian story wouldn’t cut it to global recognition and only movies win Oscars.

I’ll share with you all this self-discovered and first-hand recount of growing up in Nigeria- a female. Besides the one year I lived in Lome Togo, I have not been to any other country outside Nigeria. So I beg to be excused if my references to the Western world is off point.

I have all of the Hollywood and Bollywood movies to blame for that.

Being a Nigerian Female

Age 0–13

When a Nigerian female is born, before the elapse of the Millennial era, there probably was a 10% chance her parents wanted a son. And while there might have been a bit of err ‘disappointment’ for a while, they eventually got over it. This age range for most is the time to flex. Because the girl is just a child- getting ready to face the future as a woman. A Nigerian woman.

She’d probably be about to get into Secondary school or already are. At this age, all her parents want her to do is do the major house chores: pass the remote, ‘come first in your class’ (Nigerian parent code for making straight A’s) and generally trying to remember that the top student in her class does not have ‘two heads’.

Age 13–20

Before I continue on this one, it is important to note that this article is intended to be humorous and yet provocative. Data given here should not be taken entirely seriously as there are purely my personal opinion. But be provoked all the same.

The above paragraph is intended for those who’re waiting for me at the comment section to attack…

Free tip: Once you’re period begins, which your Nigerian mother would probably describe as: ‘seeing your menses..’, be prepared for one of the brief yet impactful talk about womanhood. And which in some cases could pass for the sex ed talk.

Something along the line of: ‘Now you’re a woman and if a man touches you, you’ll get pregnant and disgrace the family or possibly get disowned.’’ Something like that, worse or shockingly perfectly normal is what a Nigerian mother would say to their adolescent daughter who just got her period for the first time.

And from then on, every training the girl would get is to land her the perfect unknown husband. Doing chores, cooking, getting a certificate, self-education and comportment would be preparing you for a future husband.

If ever she gets lucky to have understanding parents, she could actually go out or worse case, stay on constant lock down to avoid any ruining from ‘men’.

At this rate, she’d probably would be in Uni already, prepping to get into Uni or about to graduate.

After Graduation from Uni

Now this is where REAL LIFE begins. Your Nigerian mother might not be as forward as some to ask for your ‘Mrs Degree’ when you present her with your Uni certificate but she’d definitely give you signs. Signs that you’re supposed to be bringing home a ‘husband’. And that also, your childhood friends from way back in ’96 are already married.

This pressure usually varies from mother, region and situational circumstances.

How not to find a Nigerian husband

Maybe during our mother’s era, finding a husband was easy. Maybe what this era needs is a scientifc intervention to clone the men from our mother’s generation. But that’d be very weird because some of us would end up with replica’s of a friend’s father and that’s really just weird for some of us.

These days coupled with the stress of making an awesome career because well, feminism happened, the available guys are mostly err ‘not serious’. Actually, what happened is that guys now prefer to ‘bank with customers that want their services’. So if guy A declares his interest for Girl B and she is just being female and wasting time, chances are, he’s moving on to Girl C. ‘No time’.

That way it is even remotely impossible for females to even do shakara. The savergy of the situation mind you, does not elude igerian females.

Formerly, Churches and certain places like a library was the best place to meet ‘nice guys’. And now, even the term ‘nice guy’ is subjective. Because as it seems, some Yoruba Demons are ‘nice guys’ too sometimes. So are ‘Yahoo boys’ (con-artists),who have money to throw around on shopping.

So yeah, basically, we are out here in a jungle, hoping to find Mr Right at a friend’s wedding party, Wizkid’s concert, Fuel queue- any queue for that matter. Including the last place you queued for hours only to be told to come back the next day, because your country people kept cutting lines.

And also because, a sister has got to bring a man back home or face the uncoutable sighs of a Nigerian parent(s). And best belie you went back the next day but the jonzed you and told you that. ‘Nepa had carried light’.

Big question

There was this meme on Instagram a few days back about how ‘bad girls’ are winning. The post is meant to convey the message that ‘bad girls’ are more likely to find husbands faster than the good ones’. This is because while the good girls are at home on lock down , the bad ones are out there socializing and meeting people.

Putting them on an automatic advantage when it comes to relating and conecting with men.

Again, another irony that fails to elude good Nigerian girls. It seems that some invinsible hand is playing a big trick on everyone- good Nigerian girls included.

It’s almost as if some of us spent all of our lives being ‘good’. Another subjective term, waiting for a right husband to find us, being decent, getting good grades, going to church even. You know, doing general ‘NIgerian good girl’ stuff and now having the internet tell us we’ve been played all along.

Like what in God’s name? F*ck you internet!

I guess right about now the huge question would be: if it is time to live for someting other than what we were pratically raised to wait on. Hope on even. It all sounds fancy when motivatioal speakers go on about self-empowerment, faminism and blah blah blah.

How can a Nigerian girl raised to believe that every bloody move she makes or made are somewhat directing her to her Mr Right a.k.a Husband has been lied to the entire time? Maybe it is time for us to raise above living for a man we do not even know yet. Or even met. Or will. And maybe for once, maybe we should be the best version of ourselves a man would want to be with.

Then again, fancy words. Abeg who knows where a sister can find a good man? Love is tough out here on these streets of Lagos.