Offside by Terry Bain

Offsides

April Fourteenth

A player is in an offside position
 if they are in the opposing 
team’s half of the field (they 
have not been invited to cross) 
and also nearer the opponent’s 
goal than both the ball (or whatever 
is being used as a ball) and the 
second-last opponent (thus the
keeper doesn’t count).

A violation will occur (try 
to avoid a violation) when the player 
is in an offside position (see
above) at the same time
the ball is passed forward to them.

I reckon the confusing
part of this rule is the gravity 
of the earth and its overall affect
on space-time. We must
rely on the judgement
of the officials, who are
experts in relativistic 
physics, and the shouting
of the fans, who are experts in
shouting, never pretending 
that none of this matters.

When the whistle blows we are 
too often made aware that this 
was the only thing saving us,
so we throw up our hands and
say “thank you.”

Terry Bain is the author of You Are a Dog and We Are the Cat ‡ TwitterInstagramLetterboxdTinyLetter
Copyright 2019 Terry Bain