Why Am I Not Being Validated?

Learning how to self-validate can completely change how you work, for the better.

It’s always nice to get a compliment, right? When you work hard on a big project and get good feedback, or when you try on a nice outfit and your friend (the one who always tells the truth) says it looks great. That little buzz of external validation can lift your mood for the day. But what happens when it starts to take over? What happens when your own self-belief starts to become so dependent on the validation of others that a mere tweet going unnoticed causes you actual distress?

It’s normal to want a certain amount of validation in your life, but when you start to become reliant on the approval of others it can really start to affect your wellbeing and significantly affect your life. This especially applies to the workplace, where many people find it difficult to actually feel successful unless someone else reaffirms that belief. When this happens, you can become so focused on getting the approval of your peers/management that you adapt your behaviors in order to get their approval. This can happen in lots of small behavioral changes that seem insignificant but are actually slowly chipping at your very sense of self. For example, you might keep quiet in a meeting because you disagree with your colleagues, or just agree with everyone so that you come across as a “good team player” rather than give your honest opinion.

Another massive problem that people have when they constantly rely on this validation from others is the inability to say no. And in the office, this is a very big deal. If you find yourself saying yes to every request you get, even when you don’t have time or it’s not within your capabilities, you’re compromising your boundaries — and this isn’t good. Another thing you might recognize in yourself is an inability to deal with criticism no matter how constructive, so if someone simply disagrees with your opinion or edits your work you get agitated and may even feel insulted.

Does any of that sound familiar? If so, the first thing to do is note that absolutely everyone has felt this way at one time or the other. But what’s important is to avoid feeling this way 24/7. Because that’s when it becomes a problem. The good news is that once you’re aware of your need for approval, you can definitely reign it in and learn how to validate yourself without the input of others. After all, who knows you better than you know yourself?

It’s Okay To Be Wrong

People who constantly seek out approval are absolutely terrified of rejection, so the idea of being wrong about something is their worst nightmare. But people are wrong all of the time! People get rejected all of the time. And the world doesn’t end. And they don’t get fired on the spot because of it. Do you know what actually happens? They embrace the lesson so they can learn and grow from it.

Think about the last time you made an error at work or missed a deadline, what did you think was going to happen? And what actually happened? After some initial panic, you probably handled the situation like a BOSS and moved the heck on. And I doubt you repeated the same mistake twice. So in reality, you learned from it. Feedback is feedback, whether it’s good or bad, and it’s up to you to make sure you use it in a way that allows you to improve and progress rather than take it so personally that it stops you from trying again. If you stayed in your comfort zone you’d never be wrong. So embrace rejection; it means you’re pushing yourself to be the best you can be and learning how to get there along the way.

A “Fixed Mindset” is SO Nineteen Ninety Never

There are two types of people in this world; those with a “fixed” mindset and those with a “growth” mindset. When you examine what motivates your behavior, it all comes back to which of these categories you fall into, i.e. whether you are in constant search of external validation of your efforts or whether you have enough self-belief to validate yourself and recognize your own capabilities.

Someone with a “fixed mindset” believes that their talents, intelligence, and abilities are relatively fixed. They believe that no matter what they do, they have a limit to their capabilities that cannot be changed. Because of this, they only tend to take part in and pursue things that they think align with their strengths and capabilities. Basically they operate from their comfort zone, which is fine until they end up in situations outside of their comfort zone, which can lead to anxiety and even upheaval — especially in a work situation.

“People who base their own self-worth on what others think and not on their value as human beings might pay a mental and physical price” — Jennifer Crocker, Psychologist at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research.

People with a fixed mindset will let any kind of setback define them and they’re constantly on guard for any perceived critique (which could also be referred to as a “threat” in this regard). Even something that should be seen as useful feedback on a work project can make them feel invalidated. These are the people who are extremely vulnerable to criticism, constantly trying to “prove their worth”, and very reliant on the validation of others. Because of this, they rarely try new things for fear of rejection or looking stupid.

But by freeing yourself from this need for validation, you can embrace a growth mindset in which people see their talents and abilities as things that can be developed over time. In her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, psychologist Carol Dweck noted that these people were more likely to challenge themselves to fulfill their true potential as they didn’t have the same fear of feedback as those with a fixed mindset who saw any critique as a failure.

By adopting more of a growth mindset and acknowledging your ability to continuously learn, improve, and grow, you can at the very least reduce (if not eradicate) your constant need for external validation.

You Can Learn How to Self-Validate

When you think about what validation actually means, it’s really about recognition; it’s someone saying “I see what you’re doing, I acknowledge your efforts, and I appreciate you.” So the polar opposite of this is non-recognition.

By learning the discipline of self-validation, you will automatically free yourself from the constraints of the opinions and expectations of other people. And as you can imagine, this makes life a whole lot easier, especially in a work setting. It will also make you feel more fulfilled, content, and happier in the long-term. So how do you do it?

Well, it’s not easy. Elizabeth R. Thornton, author of The Objective Leader: How to Leverage the Power of Seeing Things As They Are has conducted extensive research in this area which revealed that 55% of people often or always tie their self-worth to what other people think. However, Elizabeth goes on to say that it IS possible to change this thought process. According to Elizabeth, “the key to transforming the External Validation Mental Model is the recognition and acceptance that we have all been socialized to value ourselves through the eyes of other people and the understanding that we can learn to value ourselves.” The solution to this is to learn how to stay motivated even when you feel you’re being questioned or critiqued by other people.

It’s okay to recognize your good traits. It’s okay to big yourself up and use that to motivate yourself. It’s okay to believe in yourself even if no-one else does. A lot of people have this idea that it’s somewhat narcissistic to be this way, but unless you’re going completely overboard then it really isn’t. It’s just about giving yourself a bit of self-encouragement and recognizing your successes. So, go on — do it. Give yourself some self praise. Write down a list — right now — of all of the achievements you’ve made that you’re proud of. Validate yourself. You don’t need anyone else to do it, and when they do — well, that’s simply a bonus! And if they don’t? Who cares? You already know your worth.

What are your values? What gives you purpose? What motivates you to succeed? Not anyone else’s: your own.

Once you start to self-validate, you’ll find that it also increases your level of self-motivation because you’ll be more inclined to work off your own bat and have confidence in your decisions rather than waiting for approval from other people. When you can self-validate, you have this tool right at your disposal whenever you need it. But when you rely on others for this affirmation and confidence in your ideas/actions, it can really stifle your progress — especially in a work environment.

Still Feel Your Efforts Are Going Unnoticed?

If you get to the point where you think you’ve got the self-validation thing nailed down but you still feel somewhat unappreciated at work, the first thing to do is make sure that your expectations are realistic. Here’s the thing; your workmates/managers aren’t thinking about you half as much as you think they are, and they often simply don’t have the time to give you the level of attention you feel you need.

In this instance, it helps to recognize that they’re only human before you start to get annoyed about it. If you really feel that it’s still an issue, the best thing to do is to take some time to personally assess your work and what you’ve achieved and then look at it written down and decide whether it’s worth bringing up or whether you can let it go. If you do decide to bring it up, this list will help.

Another thing worth doing is increasing the visibility of your work. Don’t be afraid to speak out about what you’re doing and how it’s progressing. If you’re excited about something, say it. If you’ve had a big win professionally, say it. Heck, if you’ve had a small win, say it. People aren’t going to keep tabs on what you’re doing 24/7 and to be honest it’s probably a compliment if they don’t feel the need to. So it’s your job to communicate what you’re doing if you want to get recognized for it. Also, don’t forget to acknowledge and praise the contributions of your teammates too. This will increase morale and positivity in the workplace and it’ll come back to you in spades.

Believe in Yourself

You’re not needy for wanting validation. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel appreciated. What’s important is to realize that you don’t need anyone else to achieve this. You are allowed to be proud of yourself; remember that and you’re already 90% of the way to a happier you.

Thanks For Reading!

Buckets helps to supercharge collaboration and organization needs across the world. If you enjoyed reading this post, please let us know by clicking and holding down the 👏 button!

To sign up for Buckets, just click here.

For regular updates from the Buckets team, you can also catch us on Twitter @bucketsdotco.