Look UP (My Journey with Anxiety)

This story is almost 3 years in the making (or, you could say my whole life). November 2016 was to be my wife Monika and I’s 15th wedding anniversary. A big deal, something worthy of celebration. We planned it together and came up with a great trip to celebrate: we would fly first class (we had vouchers) to West Palm Beach, FL and spend a couple of days with some of our closest friends, then do a 5 day cruise out of Miami and fly back from there. Tuesday-Tuesday, seven day trip, just the two of us.

I have actually had several issues with anxiety in my life. I want go into great detail, but give some context: Thunderstorms/flooding as a 2nd/3rd grader growing up in Baton Rouge, LA; severe nose bleeds in 4th/5th grade living in Georgia and New Jersey; throwing up daily due to nervousness the second half of my senior year high school and entire freshman year of college; In my early thirties, for about a year after having a vasectomy after we had our second daughter, (this is where I had my first panic attack); fear of flying/fear of leaving my daughters in my mid thirties.

This leads us back to our anniversary trip in November 2016. Due to our lifestyle, we don’t fly often. The last time I had flown was January 2016 to Atlanta. The way there I was fine, on the way back I had trouble breathing and felt on the cusp of a panic attack. We got home fine, and didn’t have any trips planned for awhile, so I really didn’t worry much about it.

Let me elaborate: my fear of flying has nothing to do with plane crashes, storms, pilot error, terrorist takeovers, etc. My fear is what if I got real sick, a medical emergency on a plane (I’ve always hated to think of my appendix bursting), what would they do? No doctor, no place to land, how do you get help?. It is irrational, which is why battling with anxiety can be so difficult.

I really wanted to take Monika on a trip, so we booked our flights and our cruise for November and counted down the time. When it was time to leave, we were excited and sad (especially me, because this trip combined flying and leaving our girls) but we headed to the airport ready to go. We got on the plane fine, took off and were doing great. I had prayed that morning for a safe trip and help with my anxiety, and had read and prayed scripture the first 15 minutes of our flight. I was going to make it.

Then, my fear came to fruition. But, it wasn’t me who got sick, it was someone else. An older gentlemen on our flight had passed out and coded on the plane. They had to revive him. There just happened to be a doctor and nurse, or maybe 2 nurses on the plane who knew how to help. They announced we had to make an emergency stop in New Orleans. How do I know what happened to the guy? Because they carried him from the back and dropped him right on floor next to my first class seat (we were literally the first row, and I’m an aisle guy). They were working on him right next to me!

Needless to say, I didn’t handle this well. First, they had us move back several rows so they could move him. Second, everyone was asking what was going on, and I got separated from Monika. Third, when we landed I felt short of breath and was starting the beginnings of a panic attack. I just had to go off the plane. They let us off because we couldn’t take off for about 30 minutes, and I just told Monika I didn’t want to get back on that plane. She didn’t quite understand, but she was supportive and caring for me.

This was about midnight, but we rented a car and started driving to West Palm Beach. We were not going to miss our cruise! Monika was a trooper and drove most of the way. I sort of passed out from exhaustion and panic. She did stop at a rest stop, but we didn’t feel comfortable sleeping there, so she found a McDonald’s, loaded up on coffee and we kept moving. We got to our friends house around 1 p.m. that afternoon. I was actually feeling better, and it just felt like a bad dream, and we were fine.

I was not fine. Several hours later, my whole body went numb, I was sweating, my head was hurting, my stomach felt sick, I was having dizzy spells. I tried to fake it, keep moving, but even my friends were saying I didn’t seem right. I just tried to just blame it on missing our girls, but I’m not a great actor. I didn’t sleep that night. My whole body ached and tingled and felt numb, and I definitely had a panic attack sometime during the night. When Monika woke up around 6 am, I told her I want to go home. All she said was, “let’s go home then”.

We had breakfast with our friends, and drove our rental car over two days back home. I lied to (most) people and didn’t say we missed our trip, just changed the conversation if they asked, or told them I got a stomach virus when we got to Florida and we missed our cruise.

The next couple of years were a spiritual, mental and physical battle. I prayed, we prayed, went to see a counselor, went to see a doctor. Battled the numbness all over my body, pins and needles all over my body, didn’t sleep or eat well for awhile. The funny thing is I never really had a day to day issue, as in I could go to work and interact with friends and family. It was the traveling far distances and leaving my family, especially my daughters behind, that scared me.

That was November 2016. In July 2018, we decided to go meet those same friends from West Palm Beach, in Wisconsin at a lake house. We decided to fly, our family of four.

God is good and helped me tremendously. The flight to Milwaukee went without incident. I was a little nervous at the very beginning, but listening to worship music the whole time and an aisle seat calmed my nerves. I started writing the following on July 14, 2018 about 20 minutes before landing. I wanted to include it because it was real, raw emotions, smack dab in the middle of something I had been scared to do:

This is similar to what I wrote above, so you can skip down past the italics to see what happened after flying in 2018.

I am writing this 30,000 (?) ft. in the air on an airplane ride to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I have been dreading this trip, but for reasons different than you may have just imagined. My wife and two daughters and I are flying to spend the week at a lake house, where our best friends will be meeting us. I am so excited for this vacation. I am so excited to let my wife relax. I am so excited to see our best friends. I am so excited to visit a place (and state) I have never been before. I am excited to spend time with God away from the hustle and bustle of job searching at home.

I am afraid of flying. I do not like talking about this. I’m even afraid of if I admit this to someone it will make them afraid to fly. Fear, anxiety, depression is a jerk that way. This fear makes me feel lonely, like I am in the dark, that no one will understand how I feel, to keep my eyes down or closed at all times. My fear is not of a plane crash or bad turbulence. My fear is what if I get sick on the plane, like my appendix bursting or worse, then we have no way to get to a hospital. Then, add a little bit of claustrophobia and control issues to it, and you have my fear of flying. It is nonsensical, its outlandish, its faithless, and I hate it.

November 2016 my wife and I were flying to West Palm Beach, Florida where we were going to go on a five day Bahamas Cruise out of Miami for our 15th Anniversary. About 30 minutes into the flight, I was doing pretty good, starting to relax, when my fear happened. Thankfully (sorry other person!) not to me. A guy toward the back of the plane, had a heart attack and passed out while we were passing over New Orleans. Since it was our anniversary, we had splurged for first class tickets and were sitting at the very front. They carried the guy to the front of the plane where they dropped him right next to me. He seemed dead. There were a couple of nurses, maybe even a doctor, who were also passengers on the flight. They had Monika and I move several rows back so they could work on this guy while the plane made an emergency landing in New Orleans. They were able to revive the guy and get him stable, thankfully. We landed in New Orleans and took the guy out on a stretcher and I just freaked out, couldn’t believe my fear happened to someone else right in front of me. I had to get off of this plane.

The flight attendants understood what happened was pretty traumatic so when I said I needed to get off they understand. They said I could just take a few minutes to walk around and catch my breath, because we wouldn’t leave for around another 30 minutes since we made the emergency stop. I just couldn’t do it. Or thought I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to get back on that plane. I didn’t trust God. I stayed in the dark. I hid from the light. I keep my eyes closed. I did not look up.

This is the first flight we have been on since the fateful trip where I had to do something about my fear. Part of it was avoidance, part of it was we drove most places we visited anyways. But deep down, I really didn’t know if I ever wanted to fly again. I was okay just staying in the United States (sorry Hawaii and Alaska!) It is July, and we scheduled the flight in March so I have been dreading this day for awhile. A lot of my internal prayers have been asking God to help me get ready for this flight. It was time to face this fear, to bring it into the light. It was time for me to look up.

I had now flown, and survived, and was ready to look up and bring to light the next part of my journey. I needed to take my wife on a cruise, just the two of us. Our schedules worked out where we could go on a nice vacation just about a year after our trip to Milwaukee. We did drive to Florida (for non-anxiety) reasons, but we would be leaving our kids with our friends in West Palm and Monika and I would be cruising for four days by ourselves.

We made it to Florida safely, able to spend a few days relaxing and on the beach with the kids and our friends before we set sail. I honestly was feeling great, and was looking forward to the trip. Monika deserved this, and so did I. It was going to be best. The day before we were to leave, I woke up in the middle of the night with pins and needles in my legs and arms, numbness. I honestly had dealt with this in over a year. Here, in the room I had a panic attack November 2016, similar feelings were creeping back in.

Nope, not this time. God is greater. God is helping me. There is a lot involved that I would love to share with anyone whoever needs it, has the time, whatever, but I won’t write that all out here. Just know, God is faithful, loving and when you LOOK UP to HIM and BRING THINGS INTO THE LIGHT, He will come through.

We left that Friday morning, and we had an amazing time on our cruise. I did get nervous at various points, with the first morning being the worst. I did miss our girls, but I knew they were safe, having fun, and were taken care of. I just kept remembering to worship and pray and focus on God’s peace and we had the best time. My only regret was not making the cruise longer!

I told Monika on our last morning while watching the sunrise over Miami 3 things: God is so good to us and she deserves this trip and many more; I know I didn’t have to make up our trip from 2016 to her because she loved me unconditionally, but she deserved to have it made up because I know the last couple of years have not been easy for her either; and I plan on taking her, with and without our girls, on more amazing trips for years to come.

That morning, I also asked Monika if she was okay with me sharing my journey with some intimate details of our lives being written. Like always, she was nothing but supportive as long as God was to be given the glory. I still wrestled with the decision. Not to write it, but to let others see it. Would I be embarrassed? Would I be judged? Would I be laughed at? Would I be looked down upon? Would it bring back old anxiety?

The hardest part for me of sharing my story is someone will read or hear about this and anxiety will get its grip on them, jump on them, happen to them, like anxiety is as contagious as catching a cold. What I keep coming back to, in prayer, bible reading, and personal reflection is anxiety wants to hide in the darkness. This is why it is so important to bring it into the light. There are many verses which talk about bringing things into the light, but one of my personal favorites is John 3: 21, which says “But whoever lives by the trust comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.” The reason I named my article, “Look UP”, is because I associate bringing things to the light with the physical action of lifting my head and eyes and looking up, where the sun is, where the Son is. Looking UP won’t immediately heal all your anxiety issues, but it is a necessary first step and a frequently needed repeated step wherever you are on your journey.

If anyone is on a journey similar to mine, know you are not alone, literally and figuratively. I would love to support and help any way I can, just like I know there are so many others out there who would and will do the same. Your story is important, just as valuable as mine. There are so many layers with dealing with anxiety, including the aftermaths, and how it impacts our families. I could write an incredible story alone just on how my wife handled these past few years, with her raw emotion on not understanding what I was going through, while also being amazingly loyal and steadfast to our relationship and family. So please, share your journey with someone you love, trust they will be able to handle it, give them the opportunity. Bring your journey to the light. Look UP.