April is National Autism Awareness Month. We spoke with Michelle McBride about the realities of raising autistic children and she penned these incredible words. “Kids with Autism want the same thing all kids want: to be understood and accepted for who they are. They know they are different. Encourage your kids to ask questions and seek common interests and everyone wins.”
Two of my children have been medically diagnosed with autism. The third is seemingly “typical” but is heavily influenced by her sibling environment. For whatever reason, in all three of their young minds, there is no such thing as “maybe.” It is a meaningless word to them. In fact, it cannot exist in their world. The concept of “maybe” frustrates them and causes anxiety. This is a well known feature of autism.
Kids with Autism want the same thing all kids want: to be understood and accepted for who they are. They know they are different. Encourage your kids to ask questions and seek common interests and everyone wins.
My understanding of this phenomenon, otherwise known as “rigid thinking” or “black-and-white thinking,” came very slowly and painfully. My kids and I have many awful memories of the confusion and frustration that came with typical parents trying to communicate with children whose thinking is this rigid and uncompromising. They lied and manipulated to get more time. Although all kids lie sometimes, this went far beyond what I thought children were capable of. By not knowing this key piece of information about children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), I was unwittingly forcing them to lie and manipulate as a defense mechanism.
It was a steep learning curve to say the least.
It took a long time to figure out that answering “maybe” to a child who simply asked “can we go out to eat tonight?” could lead to their own confident, and very personal understanding that we will be going out tonight, and that I had actually “said so.”
Any outcome that does not meet those internally-decided expectations is cause for a meltdown of epic proportions! They are confounded by my ‘change in plans’ because it was so clear to them that “maybe” equals “yes” when other factors like time of asking, the time Daddy arrives home, the day of the week, the state of the kitchen sink, and emptiness of the refrigerator are considered in the split seconds as my “maybe” is escaping my lips.
When I am asked a question such as “May I play on the computer?” only a response that includes “yes” or “no” has any meaning at all. When faced with a “maybe” or a “we’ll see,” both of which involve the concept of time, they internally choose “yes” or “no” without my knowledge or consent. They do so silently based on the context of the asking and the other factors they consider in the blink of an eye. Additionally, they may not even recall ever hearing the word “maybe” because it transformed into a “yes” or a “no” so very instantaneously that the “maybe” never had a chance to enter their memory…“like” it never really existed.
When I am asked a question such as “May I play on the computer?” only a response that includes “yes” or “no” has any meaning at all.
Kids need to stand on a foundation that is predictable and trustworthy, or they don’t feel safe. Kids with ASD are even more vulnerable to a shaky foundation. If they can’t count on going out to eat at precisely 6:00pm (as they may have concluded in the above example), then how can they even count on the words “I’ll always love you” to be true?
The one constant in those two situations is time.
My kids live and die by the clock. Predictions revolve around time. Responses to almost every question from a child involves time. A “yes” or a “no” that is not assigned a time by a parent or person in charge might just as well be a “maybe.” The consequences of having no specified time are many and varied, but they will very likely include outbursts and/or meltdowns or worse. The temporal relationship may be spoken aloud or written down on a poster, a post-it-note, a dry erase board, or it could be typed into a family-shared iCloud calendar, whatever works, but they must be communicated.
I learned this the hard way. Hell, I still accidentally use “maybe” on occasion. As a parent to kids with ASD, I must change some of my ways, I must endeavor to guide them through changing some of their ways, and we all must learn to cope with anything that comes along.
My kids live and die by the clock.
When I saw the Facebook ad for Circle, I did not hesitate to click on that link because it came just as I was trying to find a way to limit the time my kids spend on their electronic devices. I had tried to keep track of their use of electronic devices but had limited success. OK, I’ll admit it. It was an epic failure. It’s not easy to know how much time each child had spent on each of their devices. Trying to make screen time and game time fair for each child, for each type of device, was an impossible task! “What? She gets to finish her YouTube video but I had to stop my Netflix movie??” You can imagine the bickering now, can’t you? We found iPods inside and under pillows. We heard YouTube videos playing as our kids’ sleeping faces lay on the screens.
We were concerned about fires igniting due to devices being charged in beds with sheets and stuffed animals right on top of them. And we had sleepy kids! They simply aren’t capable of self-control! We tried implementing a 7pm bedtime for devices where they would all have to be placed in a locked box until morning. But then, they didn’t have time to charge them and asked me to do it for them over night, which meant they weren’t getting locked up and could be taken while I was asleep. This was unacceptable.
Circle changed everything.
Because Circle allows me to control the time each child is allowed on each device and even specific websites (Time Limits), it is exceedingly helpful to me as a parent of kids with ASD. The customizable Filter Level based on age, and equally user friendly BedTime feature are pure magic in giving my kids the predictable and trustworthy foundation they so desperately need from their parents. Their time runs out, Internet is disabled, and they simply bring their devices to me for charging overnight. Magical.
We treat electronic devices as privileges that must be earned through daily routines filled with average expectations, such as brushing teeth and taking vitamins and the like. In keeping with behavior modification techniques, privileges are taken away if expectations aren’t met. Hello Pause Button! Oh, you did your entire routine, and you went the extra mile to take out the garbage? Extra time on YouTube for you! Want more time on Netflix to finish that movie you’re watching? No problem, just take a few minutes to empty the dishwasher, and you’ve got a deal.
I’m not saying this was easy. My fourteen year-old was furious! She screamed and she complained and she had meltdowns and outbursts and tears, then she begged me to stop using Circle. But, I stuck it out, and now she accepts that it is reality, it is here to stay, and she asks me what she can do for extra time. It’s a beautiful thing. She can count on me to give her a specific amount of time every day for average expectations, and she can trust that her extra efforts will be rewarded. She knows that Internet privileges can be taken away at any time, and that is a huge motivator for good behavior.
Now when I say “yes,” I can give my kids an exact amount of time that the “yes” applies to the Internet. The same for “no” responses, they only last a specific amount of time. My kids live and die by the clock, and Circle makes that so much easier to implement than any other device, or person for that matter! I am predictable. I am trustworthy. I provide a solid foundation on which my children can stand. Which also means they can count on the words “I’ll always love you” to be true.
Thank you Circle creators and developers!
Michelle McBride, M.Psy.
Prior to her disability, Michelle was a Nationally Certified Prevention Professional in the addictions field. Her mission is “To facilitate change from problems to possibilities.” Her passions include “snow lighting.”
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