Conflict resolution builds stronger families
How is conflict handled in your house?
“Mooooom! Michael took my CD and I want it back now.” Lisa’s daughter shrieked from her bedroom. The sound of Michael’s sneakers running into his room and slamming the door followed Tina’s cry. Lisa headed upstairs annoyed at the disruption. Why where her kids always pushing each other’s button? What were she and her husband Joe doing wrong? This wasn’t what she imagined when she decided to become a mother. The fact that Joe didn’t agree with her on how to handle these incidents only added to the stress. “Both of you cut it out and get along, I have work to do.” Lisa angrily shouted hoping they would settle down.
Conflict occurs in every arena of our lives. When it’s at work or school you can leave it behind but when it’s in the family your peaceful haven turns into a battleground. No one wants his or her home to be a hotbed of conflict.
Conflict within a family can come in many forms. It can manifest itself between siblings; parents and children, or between spouses. Conflict cannot be ignored or it will grow unmanageable and make life quite distressing. There’s a lot you can do to create a peaceful home handle conflict in the home constructively:
The first step in managing anger and family conflict is admitting that there is a problem. Recognize how each member of the family deals with anger dependent on their maturity level and personality. Some personalities keep everything inside and erupt well after the event that provoked them. Others tend to become emotional quickly. A member of the family may be willing to forgive and forget while another may hold grudges.
Plan for when conflict strikes. Have a family discussion on how disagreements and complaints should be dealt with. Encourage children to use “I” statements to convey how they feel. Discourage them from name-calling and attacking each other’s character.
Help your children to clearly identify problems. If a family member can narrow down the problem to specifics it will be easier to overcome. Stay on one issue at a time.
If a family member is emotional allow them time to “cool off” but don’t allow that to be an indefinite period of time. Once again, ignoring an issue doesn’t solve anything.
Parents should try to be mediators in their children’s conflicts. Being their arbitrator instead of solving all their issues will help them develop the skills they will need when they are adults. Help by offering alternate actions and asking questions. Allow each side to be fully expressed, uninterrupted before drawing conclusions.
Share problems with the family and deal with them as a team. What affects one member of the family affects the entire family. Problem-solve as a family. A unified decision will be a positive experience for all. Tackle the issue together through compromise or collaboration.
Once an action or decision is decided, enforce it clearly and respectfully. Don’t wait. Expect action immediately and move on.
To avoid future conflicts strive to develop a peaceful atmosphere in your home. Externals do affect the mood of family members. Try to have an orderly home, boundaries and regular schedules. Knowing what’s expected helps families avoid misunderstandings.
Don’t overlook the power of humor and surprise. Teach your children to not take everything so seriously as if all problems are life and death issues. If they can learn to see the “someday this will make a funny story” it will lighten the mood.
If the only tool a child has is fighting, that will be the child’s first and only method of coping with conflict. Let family members see that there are other ways to deal with frustrating situations. Try physical activities such as running or expend excess energy before discussing a conflict. Encourage family members to write their feelings as a safe outlet.
Be a good role model. Children learn general approaches to resolving a conflict by watching their parents and other adults in their lives. How do you negotiate? When do you give in? How do you see the other person’s point of view? Can you afford to admit that you’ve been wrong?
Children are more likely to fight when they feel powerless. Give your child a voice in family discussions and decisions. Allow them to make decisions by giving them choices. Offer two outfits that you find appropriate and let your child decide which to wear. Give them time to voice reasonable thought out opinions that don’t tear down others in a family meeting.
Avoid making your children feel like you have favorites. Set aside special times with each of your children to give them your undivided attention. Having a special time with each child helps a parent to understand each child’s personality. Every child will react to things differently and knowing them better will help the parent resolve conflict in a way that speaks to each family member.
Conflict in a family is inevitable but anger and dissension do not have to be. Use these situations as teachable moments. Develop some healthy conflict resolution techniques in your home and see your child’s relationships grow deeper.
