I can’t do this anymore! The trials and rewards of motherhood.
I sat on the edge of my unmade bed. My arms hung at my sides. My shoulders sagged. My breath pushed out of my nose and mouth like a teenager with a bad attitude.
My teeth clenched, hurting my jaw. An all too familiar feeling. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had laughed. My fists tightened like they were strangling air. My heart was stuck between deciding if it was mad or hurt.
Once upon a time, I had heard my Mom say, that she couldn’t “think straight.” I didn’t know what she meant at the time.
Now…I did.
It was one of those days. The M and M days. The ones that just start off with Mischief and continue on with Mayhem. You know the ones, where the box of cereal gets dropped…the entire box. The box you just bought. You realize that there is no use in trying to salvage any of it because you can’t remember the last time you swept and you have a hairy dog that is constantly shedding.
Besides, he’s now eating the cereal along with your 3 year old…right off of the floor.
The older two need to get to school, but the more you hurry them, the slower they go. Suddenly, backpacks are missing. School papers, that were no where to be seen the night before, surprisingly reappear and urgently need to be signed.
Lunches are seriously lacking any fruit or veggies because you needed to get groceries three days ago but couldn’t as the flu decided to visit…again. You hope the fruit roll up and cheese flavored fishy crackers will suffice. You know your kids won’t care, but Ms.Conner will.
One kid has his pants on backwards and refuses to wear a shirt, but insists on wearing a belt right around his bare belly.
The other one wants “cool” hair and is in the bathroom slathering gel in giant globs on his head.
The dog has eaten all the cereal off of the floor and is now licking your 3 year old’s face and runny nose. You don’t know whether to growl at him or thank him. Does that count as mopping?
The older two start to fight. First with words, then with fists. You tell them to keep their hands to themselves, but you might as well been talking to the wall…for all they listened.
Screams ensue. You run down the hall to find the older one on top of the younger one, knees pinning his small arms to the floor…trying to put dirty underwear on his brother’s trapped head.
You order time outs for both…but they share a room…so that’s tricky. One ends up sitting on his bed, sulking. The other gets to sit on the chair in the living room and sulk.
You get to go searching for the third child, who is strangely quiet.
The reason for this is soon discovered. He is found in the bathroom, trying to see if he can flush dinky cars down the toilet. Turns out, he can! Who knew?
You look at the clock and realize that your boys will be late for school..again. Third time this week. You hate how the secretary peers at you from over her bi-focals like you’re a dog hair in her ice cream.
Sigh….
Then the baby wakes up and starts to cry.
All this before 8:30 a.m.
This was an M and M day. Mischief and her sister Mayhem. They bust through the door, uninvited and stay way too long.
So, after too many awkward moments with them. Too many pulling my hair out episodes…I end up in my room, sitting on my unmade bed.
I have given another “Time Out!”
This time…to myself.
Because…
I can’t hear myself think!
I breathe in and out. Fast at first. Then slower. I calm the racing of my heart and let the beats of it…pound away at the anger. Then it pumps out the hurt until it forms tears that roll out of my eyes and down my face.
I shake my fist at God.
“You’ve given me too much this time God! I can’t handle it. I can’t do this anymore.”
I sit in my misery and let the tears fall. It’s funny how they fall outside the body…but somehow soothe the inside.
Minutes pass. At least, it felt like only minutes. I can’t be sure. I’m convinced that when you spend a day with kids…time runs on it’s own weird zone, where awake time goes by way too slow and nap time flies.
I listen.
Uh-oh. There’s no noise! Never a good thing. Suddenly, I’m like a lioness on alert. My senses trying to attune to the strangeness of silence.
Where are the children?
I rush out to check. The baby and 3 year old are still asleep. Down for the night, with any luck.
The older two…way too quiet. I listen.
I brace myself for peanut butter slathered on carpets or the dog tied up in blankets…but I find none of these.
Instead, a faint voice is coming from their bedroom. I crack the door open…just enough to peak inside…and just enough not to disturb them.
I find the two of them, sitting on the bottom bunk, arms around each other’s shoulders. The older reading to the younger. The younger feeding the older fishy crackers whenever he turned a page. Like a reward.
I just watch. This scene is rare. I feel like I’m viewing the last of a species before they go extinct or the hatching of an exquisite egg. Did I mention, this scene is rare?
Just when I think my heart has all but melted, the younger one rubs his older brother’s cheek with his little hand and smiles.
“ I love you.”
All at once, my hurt and anger vanish into thin air. Gratitude and a deep deep love snuggle in. I feel a God nudge… “Yeah, it’s hard work. The hardest work you’ll ever do. But it’s worth it. Sacred work always is.”
I’m still tired. I’m still smarting…but I know…tomorrow’s another day…and I’ll be here. For these little ones…who need me.
I close the door. Leaving them to their peace and quiet. Maybe they needed a time out from me too.
As I walk down the hall and start the cozy steps of making tea, I hear another faint sound.
I listen.
I turn my head…a whimper? I look in the living room.
It’s the dog.
He’s wearing one of the boy’s shirts and has a belt wrapped around his middle.
A strange sound bubbles up from inside of me…I think it’s laughter.
Welcome back…my friend! It’s been way too long.
P.S. Mommas (and Daddies) of little kids…I see you. Keep showing up. Keep handling it. It’s so hard somedays…but remember…what you’re doing is sacred.
P.P.S. Tired of yelling to get your kid’s attention? Try these: use the bathroom, make a phone call, relax on the couch or open some chocolate. You’ll have their attention in no time! :)
