The Most Liberating Lessons Learned In Your 20s

What the transition period from adolescence to adulthood hits you with

Left home. Went to university. Got a job overseas and moved.

But little did I know I wouldn’t move back, and that, from the time I finished my studies, I’d really experience this “real world” I’d heard a lot of. My parents had spoken of it, but it wasn’t until I reached about 22 that I fell headfirst into the deep end.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come away with a firmer idea about how I can do life better. In high school I would’ve scoffed at the perspective I have now. I wouldn’t have identified with it because my time alive hadn’t birthed it yet.

Nor have I reached a plateau. I continue to figure out more about myself and my relation to the world as I move through it.

But at the same time, I’m confident about the way forward because I’m more aware than I ever was. My consciousness has expanded to where I literally believe I see more than I used to.

Here’s how I see my twenties, and how this all helps me see a brighter future.

Failure is good

Success is the name of the game — or is it? Have those who’ve succeeded ever not failed?

We’re programmed to avoid failure at all costs. To strive for perfection and, ultimately, the success that perfection represents. While one attempt may be enough to nail something, it’ll usually be through trial and error that you really get it down.

That being so, look at failure as a teacher, not a culmination of mistakes. It’s failure that opens the way to, and reveals far more than, success.

Think about a basketball player. Only by shooting short or long, too far left or too far right (i.e. missing) does the brain communicate to the body: That isn’t working. Try this instead.

Or maybe you were stuck in a bad relationship for years. Only after it’s flopped and you step back can you understand more fully what you’ll look for and steer clear from in the future.

If society is to OK failure, it must also encourage the adventurous and the risky. If it scares you, that’s a promising sign it’ll be worth it. If you just stay in your comfort zone, you won’t test your limits of what’s possible.

Dare, and even if things go south, it’s only up from there.

Authenticity is underrated

As a race we’re one. But broken down more minutely, we can be very, very different.

There’s peer pressure to conform, to fit in. If you don’t, you fall behind and are on the outside looking in. That’s why so many people look and sound the same. It’s second nature to be just another number.

I don’t have many friends, in part because I’m not the most social individual. But a second reason is that, when I am social, I can’t connect to people who are always confirming everything I say to keep the status quo.

I know for a fact they don’t believe 100% of what’s coming out of my mouth. Even if they do, that doesn’t mean that’s exactly how they feel. Why then does it seem they can’t think for themselves?

It’s not that they can’t. It’s that they aren’t comfortable doing so.

If you find someone who’s “real” in your eyes, hang onto them. If you find yourself being “real” with someone, that too shows this could be a positive relationship.

Not everything goes to plan

You’ve heard it before. Nothing goes according to plan.

You plan painstakingly and suddenly life happens and it’s all out the window. That’s usually how it goes.

This isn’t to say don’t plan. Having a plan is an indication of your desires. When you identify where, for example, you’d like to visit in Mexico and for how long, etc., you’re really expressing an ideal.

But just remember the unexpected and the unforeseeable are actual phenomena, and they can kick in at any moment. As long as you accept that, you won’t be disappointed when, not if, things swing out of control.

I’d planned to get a PhD in French literature. Instead I wound up traveling through South America for two months and landing a job in Japan. And you know what, I don’t wish it panned out differently.

I remind myself of this turn of events when I have a vision that isn’t materializing. I let go and give myself to what’s unfolding as exactly how it should unfold.

Health is happiness

It’s really hard to be optimistic when you have a nagging injury or are feeling sluggish from neglected nutrition.

It’s preached everywhere you turn these days, but still many don’t take the message to heart. A healthy, active lifestyle is crucial to your happiness, and is completely within your control.

What you eat has a direct effect on your mood — and a host of other mental capacities and personality traits.

It’s important to be fit when you’re young because it’s tied to how quickly you age and what your elderly life will be like. The sooner you develop wholesome consumption and exercise habits, the greater your longevity will be.

I make a point to eat right and do some form of activity every single day, no matter my schedule or where I might be. If you can internalize that kind of mindset when it’s not even necessary, imagine how much easier it’ll be when it really counts.

I may not have been down in the dumps drinking every weekend and indulging in a carb-heavy diet. But I was most definitely cheerier and more driven when I ditched the junk for lean meats and greens, in addition to a daily training session.

You’ll notice the change too.

Live in the moment

Appreciating the here and now is not something instinctively done. We have our debt to pay off. We have a serious career to break into. We have our social life to keep up. We have a million other things floating around in our heads.

Time zooms by, especially in the 21st century. Modern conveniences make things faster and simpler. What we forget is that every day of lives is the youngest we’ll ever be. If we’re so caught up in getting to where we’re going, we’ll miss a lot.

I was guilty of this and still am today. I’m laser-focused on the result, not the process.

But oh how I regret not taking it slower at times. I’d always rush off as soon as my shift was over, choosing not to talk with my coworkers. But how much time did I really gain by leaving at 9 p.m. on the dot every night? How many bonds could I have fostered if a mere 10 extra minutes were spent hanging around?

Now I place more value on what’s temporary in order to create something lasting. I center my thoughts on what’s in front of me rather than obsessing over what’s to come.

Appreciation is close to my heart. I appreciate fine sunny days, the sound of nature, coffee with friends and phone calls with my family. I appreciate precisely what I so routinely passed by.

Hard work beats talent

The large part of household names out there are no doubt gifted at what they do. But it’s not as if hard work is foreign to them.

I’ve witnessed friends of mine who, as natural athletes, didn’t amount to much. Obviously lack of ability wasn’t to blame. Lack of discipline and consistency were.

On the other side of the equation is the average athlete. Perhaps not blessed with the attributes a born-ready star is, this athlete traded talent for time. Time put in to improve. Time, time, more time. Look at the sports world. The hardest workers are coincidentally the best players.

In the gym it’s those there everyday that make the most progress. At work it’s those that are the first to arrive and the last to leave that get that promotion. In life it’s those that go above and beyond what’s asked of them that are “lucky”.

Hard work is deeply satisfying as well, which is something I’ve learned to be true the more I push myself. Since I’ve surrounded myself with fellow hard workers, the hunger is automatic.

Love is a skill

We’re all fed by media that love is a feeling, an emotion. That you know it, it doesn’t have to announce itself. That it can fade over time, or it can grow.

But the truth is, love isn’t sudden and intense. It does have to be shown and acted out. And it fades or grows according to how you treat it.

Being in a long-term relationship, I recognize how very distant love is from what I’d assumed it was. Anybody who’s ever shared a life with somebody else will echo this: You have to work at love everyday.

There are days you won’t be in love. Days you want to be alone and you question the meaning of love.

But then there are days it’s beautiful and you grasp the reason people decide to get together in spite of all the ups and downs. Love includes these ups and downs. Any notion that they don’t, or that you won’t be at wits’ end when you love, is simply false.

On a more cheerful note, it gets easier as you go.

It is, after all, a choice to love. You are choosing to prioritize this person, and to sacrifice more than a little of yourself for something larger.

If I’d been more familiar with the unavoidably imperfect aspects of love, I’d have saved myself headaches and fussing for nothing.

Time and money are complicated

A classic swapping is of time for money, and vice versa. You can get paid for three hours of work, or you can retain those three hours and use them as you please. Which will it be?

My brother is at a large, world-famous corporation. He totals 70+ hours some weeks. But he has a car, a sizable apartment smack in the middle of downtown and quite a bit in his bank account for several rainy days.

On the other hand, I have no car, a tiny studio apartment and have to be careful with how much I spend each month (forget even one rainy day). I don’t work at a large, world-famous corporation.

On the surface my brother’s circumstances are the more enviable. But even with the money I wouldn’t buy a car or upgrade to a bigger, more central apartment. And while savings are nice, I have the next few years to concern myself with that.

I know for me, time is king. That may be because I’m older and I have less of it. Or it could be because time is something I can’t get back, whereas there’s always an avenue to making money.

As an alternative to money, I aim to travel. That requires money, but it also requires the time to actually get on a plane and fly 4,000 miles. My brother doesn’t have that kind of time because, to earn as much money as he does, he has to be on the clock.

I’m not as steeped in my work. I forfeit earning big money to have more time. It’s been going pretty well so far.

It’d be tough to sum up all that I gleaned from my twenties. But if I had to, it’d be the following:

Failure is the lead-up to success

“Real” people are the best people

Plans are meant to be changed

Mental and physical health are invaluable

Live in the moment because it’ll be gone soon

There’s no substitute for hard work

You don’t feel love, you do love

Time > money

I expect to carry all of this over to my thirties. If I can remember and enact even half of these maxims, I should be more than all right.