A Homage to RM: Happy 6Years of ‘RM’ Mixtape

Originally written and published March 20, 2020 for the 5th anniversary of RM Mixtape.

At the start of this year, I undertook a particularly long deep-dive lurking expedition in the depths of Twitter. Not only because my identity as a millennial demands I lurk at all times, but because I was conducting what I call ‘sociological research’ for my forthcoming book. As in, I wanted to have a good excuse for staring at Twitter for hours on end instead of writing. During this period of time, I saw and learnt many things from the broader ARMY and anti-BTS community. The main thing I discovered is that when it comes to BTS I know absolutely nothing at all. But secondary to this, to my surprise, I saw many an argument over RM’s Mixtape RM released March 20, 2015.

At the time I had been frequenting a lot of earlier work of BTS’ and had taken to listening to RM in preparation for a powerlifting competition which saw me at the gym and counting calories over Christmas and New Years. So I found it increasingly interesting to delve into the reasons why people would argue so passionately both for and against it. On the one hand, many were put off by the perceived aggression, the tasteless lyrics. But, on the other, many argued against these claims of shallowness, and I have to agree. Beneath a layer of punchy delivery and catchy beats lies something else entirely which, before today, I hadn’t had the chance to unpack for myself.

RM takes us through an autobiographical journey: from being Runch Randa, to Rap Monster, with hints of Kim Namjoon. His second mixtape Mono goes into more detail of Namjoon as a person, but RM dives more into his struggle adjusting from being in the underground hip-hop scene to becoming an idol trainee. In 2015 Spin included RM in their 50 Best Hip-Hop Albums and for good reason; it’s a work of art. So as I awoke this morning to see it had been five years since the mixtape I thought it best to rope my dear friend and fellow Namjoonist, Lily Low, into writing a homage to RM with me. The following is an exploration of our favourite lyrics from the mixtape, and how they remain to be relevant now more than ever.

Voice 목소리

I, Lily, am not in touch with musical terms. But to describe Voice the best way I can, this track is a haunting piano melody, with a slower tempo. Voice is RM’s journey of accepting his past, and being hopeful for his future with music.

RM is affectionately known as our IQ 148 resident genius, ranking in the top 1.3% among high school students in Korea. During BTS’ appearance on The Beatles Code, RM shared that he started making music when he was 10 years old. However, his mom threw out his microphone, thinking that making music would distract him from his studies. In Voice, he raps, “Even when I was #1, my heart couldn’t relax”. He was succeeding with flying colours, but nothing made him happier than being able to create music. RM shares how music called out to him: “My identity that I wrote down matched to the drum and bass / A different, relaxed, feeling compared to when I get my report card.”

“Is there a need to want the things that others want? Rather than living an entire life while sighing breaths full of Han”. The word ‘Han’ can be in reference to the Han River. RM often shares about how he enjoys spending time by the Han River just to think and rest — this was also referenced in his song Seoul in his second mixtape. ‘Han’ also translates to sadness and sorrow. It is clearer that RM is referring to his emotions as he sings, “I chose to live a life of stripping away my Han and breathing easily”.

“Raise the volume so you can know, so I can reach you”. RM repeats this chorus multiple times throughout this track, as though he was emphasising how much he hopes his voice is able to comfort each and every one of his listeners.

Do You

“You were born as a hero, why are you trying to become a slave?”

I can’t think of the word hero without my mind instantly going to Anpanman, a tasty bread-headed man full of red bean paste. I’m going to try really hard not to compare RM to a snack here, though the Anpanman reference is begging me to. I digress. Anpanman, a hero, is just an ordinary person with no remarkable powers; Anpanman helps those in need. So if we are to take this analysis of a hero, an everyday person who helps those in need, we can begin to see that we were indeed all born this way. It is our mission as humans to love and help one another, to be our own hero and to be there for those in need. If it is our life’s highest purpose, then why is it that we are so often trapped in this ‘slave’ mentality? For some of us, it’s because we are. Under capitalism, we are all slaves in one way or another, but the message I get from this lyric is something more. It’s telling me that society has made it all-too-easy to become a slave of our own circumstance, trapped in our own suffering; locked deep inside our own minds. That the answer to our own liberation lies within us, we are the heroes who must save ourselves first, then others second. Not only is BTS, RM, the Anpanman, but we are, too.

“Because it hurts, it’s youth”

And hurt, indeed it does. I’m unsure if I will ever stop feeling this sense of youth; when do I graduate to being a ‘grown-up’? Perhaps this youth mentality exists outside the remit of age alone. I often see the plight of needing to be a hero as very much intertwined with that of being a young person. I even started this article claiming to be a perpetual millennial; a personality trait I cannot seem to divest myself of no matter how hard I try. So, perhaps, this is the binary and dichotomy of the hero/youth of the world; feeling that it is up to us to save ourselves and all of humankind. With them, come all the animals and ecosystems, too. Yet it hurts, youth hurts. Youth contains a sense of helplessness, a lack of control, an unknown future; this is the life we must lead under liquid modernity. For generations before us, it was one house, one car, one (American) dream. Now we must shift and change to meet our future, our desires, without knowing what our future truly holds. It’s exhausting. But also, this pain of uncertainty, of helplessness, this is where our hero journey lies. Society most definitely forces us to become slaves while making it appear that we are, through our own actions, choosing this slave mentality and mode of being. However, our trajectory was written in our Jungian blueprint a millennia ago; this pain has a purpose. This is our hero story, and it most definitely hurts.

Awakening 각성

“It isn’t just these words, wordplay, it’s just a warplay the world plays”

Musically, Awakening is a consistent build-up as RM vents his anger, before the track falls to a slow fade.

RM starts off the song on a pensive note: “In the moment of my failure, will someone hold my hand? The moment I come down from the stage, will that person be next to me?”. He wonders if he as a person (stripped from his persona or success) will still be accepted and loved the same way.

Awakening goes into more detail of what RM had lost or sacrificed in the pursuit of his dream: “Gotta let my eyes watch too many ends”. In their early days, RM was outspoken about the mixed reactions he received when he decided to become an idol trainee. Would he still be seen as an underground rapper? Was he betraying hip-hop when he debuted as an idol? In this track RM raps, “My colleagues stab me in the back, while saying that I became a moron after joining a company”. As the track goes on, RM seems to make peace with his choice. Despite hating it at first, he now embraces his title as an idol. A stereotype about idols is that they are often seen as puppets, rather than having their own say. However, RM strongly proclaims that he is a different type of idol: “I’m different from those who are corrupted, Now I’m completely acknowledged and I just do me”.

RM now accepts that the title that he holds should not matter. What matters is that he is able to share his message and his music, and that is enough. He comforts himself as he slowly embraces who he is: “Just tell me that I can survive in this cold world, just feel my vibe / I know one day at a time, the sun gonna shine”.

(More discussion on his identity between a rapper and an idol can be found in RM’s feature on Mnet’s 4 things episode.)

Monster

“For seven years I walk silently, now the road is all open”

This lyric made me stop and wonder what life would have been like for RM when he wrote this song. Walking for seven years silently rings especially true this year, year seven for BTS. Seven years that, as a group, they have been walking silently together. Because of BTS, this burden became no longer just RM’s to experience alone. How interesting that this particular lyric was meaningful to him back then, and carries an even larger weight now. Especially as BTS’ new docu-series Break the Silence seems to be headed our way soon. In 2015 it truly must have felt like the world, or rather the road, was opening up; yet that is nothing compared to what RM must be experiencing now. After trials and tribulations, BTS, by all means, seems to be in a good place right now; only to be undermined by continued isolation due to COVID-19. The concept of walking silently is neatly juxtaposed against the rest of the lyrics in Monster. Even the fact that the song itself is titled as such indicates a different kind of intention; RM is by no means walking silently with these lyrics.

This makes me think about the name Rap Monster, and how much he claims it in this song, despite it no longer being his stage name in current times. A name can say a lot about someone, and I have often found it jarring to think of RM as a monster; Namjoon is as far removed from being a monster as one can get. But when you take in the context of his story, the seven years he walked silently, the name soon becomes more apt. Music is his power, yet the path in which he chose to take his music career presumably served as a means to disempower him at times; especially when opinions of his non-idol peers came into play. Being a monster is RM’s way of claiming this power that he so easily exerts with his wordplay. Amidst the uncertainty of being an idol trainee, then a rookie trying to break into a scene that didn’t want him, being a monster was his solace. Being a monster, a Rap Monster, was his Anpanman moment; this was how he saved himself. This song is RM’s way of exerting his dominance, his musical prowess, a display of the sheer force of his determination and willpower. Though Monster can carry many negative connotations, especially from the perspective of his rivals, in this context, it’s synonymous with Anpanman.

Throw Away 버려

I have only one thing to say: this track is straight-up fire-spitting (paired with an intensive track of the bass and drums, of course).

Throw Away revolves around RM’s life as an underground rapper. RM sets the scene, saying it was a “hip-hop circus”. He references that if Suga was dope man, then “RM would be his domain”. His chorus utilises the word automatic over and over again. Does this refer to how rapping is so familiar to him that it’s second nature? Is this referencing how it’s a routine? Is he referencing how he had to learn the ropes? RM talks about surviving in the underground rap scene, sharing how “we go 100 100 100, we can’t be picky.” They had to play the game to survive: “Turn eyes inside out, play like hell”.

Joke 농담

“My pen is stronger than your tongue”

Oh, the written word. How well has it served you, RM? Though I read that this song was intended as a joke, there are many lyrics that ring true. Isn’t that the funniest part about jokes anyway? The connection between a concept being delivered as relatable, containing a well-placed truth, and a moment of realisation from the receiver is more like an ‘ah-ha!’ moment instead of a ‘ha-ha’ one. Anyway, where was I? When others speak ill of us with sharp tongues that lash at our skin, what exactly are we to do? In the case of RM, it seems he turns his hand to writing songs that return the insults tenfold, wrapped in a scathing wit that makes one ask ‘who exactly is this “best woman” likened to gonorrhea?’ Oh dear, I hope it’s not me.

Perhaps, if I am to remain consistent with the analysis of the previous songs, this is another indication of how RM exerts his power and status as a Rap Monster. Though others may attack him with their cruel words, their sharp tongues are nothing compared to the strength and integrity of the words he writes. For the most part, he’s not writing about them, his haters. He’s using his Monster status to write a brighter future for BTS and ARMY. However, this mixtape provides him with the chance to address, at great length, those who have acted and spoken against him. The strength of his pen throughout the seven years he had walked in silence now provide the backbone for his truth to be spoken. This is his response, in his own words, in his own time, to all those who doubted him or turned against him. Perhaps the joke isn’t the lyrics at all, perhaps the ha-ha moment is directed at all those who stood in opposition to his choice to be in BTS, to be an idol. Perhaps it’s the receiver that is the joke, and not the means of delivery. This still remains relevant today, for the higher BTS soar, the number of those who wish to tear them down multiples at the speed of light. That’s okay, the joke’s on them after all.

God Rap

“Thank God that I can live, Thank God I can breathe, Thank God I can dream”

Unlike the name ‘God Rap’ and the use of religious references, I don’t necessarily think that RM is shunning any religion or lack of in this track. He respects it, saying it was “unconditional redemption and unconditional belief”. Additionally in his 9th track “Life”, he admits that there are things that would be out of his control — accepting fate or God’s plan, as you will.

“Even though I’m suffering, I thank you”. RM expresses gratitude for being who he is, flaws and all. Regarding his intention with this track, it seems like he wishes to empower his listeners to take charge of their own choices. He says, “Whatever ordeals come, I’ll take them into my own two hands”. We have the power to make choices, and we all have love and strength within us to do so.

RM also reflects on the people he was inspired by. However, he soon realises that everyone was just thriving on “slanders and praises, like a hypocrite”. He has an internal battle with himself about his own morals: “While saying I’m different, while saying that my tastes aren’t cheap, I rejected almost everything I thought was cool”.

Rush (feat. Krizz Kaliko)

“The only voice still ruling my world. Spreadin’ my voice, to the whole world”

How is one to move forward, or know who to listen to, when everything moves so rapidly around them? I think about this often, it can be so hard to find your bearings. For me, I have to remind myself that I’m the one in control of my destiny, or in the context of this analysis, my world. I guess this can be linked back to that ‘slave mentality’ I talked about earlier; a woe-is-me mindset I can too easily fall into. Yet when I fall into these large holes, often accompanied by depression and anxiety, I get frustrated because I know no one is coming to save me. How can they when this reality is all of my own making? At the end of the day, I must be my own hero, for it is my voice that rules this world of my own making. I am my own compass.

That’s what this lyric reminds me of, a common theme throughout all of RM’s work; it always comes back to the exploration of self. Throughout the trials and tribulations in this mixtape, this track and its predecessor seems to be a real turning point. A celebration of the way forward as the music shifts into a half-way point between RM and Mono. The anger, frustration and life as a Monster which existed in the first half of the mixtape more representative of those seven years spent walking in silence; now it’s almost time for Rap Monster to become RM. Real Me. This is a reminder that his voice is what rules his world, no one else’s. And through this claiming of voice, claiming of power which came from being a Monster, he is able to spread this voice to others. First, he became a hero, a Monster to save himself; now he is a Monster for and with others. To ARMY, he is the friendly kind, like in Monsters Inc. to his enemies he remains a force to be reckoned with.

Life

“Life is more beautiful knowing that we’ve taken a loan on death”

In this track, RM ponders on the topic of loneliness. He shares that there was always a part of him which carries loneliness, and he wonders if this will always exist. Growing up, I remember hearing this saying “you can feel alone even when you are in a sea of people” — and this is what RM expresses as well. He then continues to draw a distinction between being lonely and being alone. We do need our own space sometimes, as he raps: “it’s necessary to seek a moment to be alone”. We can try as much as we can, but there will be things that are out of our control — “we can’t protect everything.”

Listening to Life made me draw connections between RM’s lyrics, and songs that Suga has taken the lead on producing. RM raps, “even light is treasured more when there’s darkness, the sunshine appears after we’ve passed through the storm”. Despite how bleak things may be, there will be better times to look forward to after overcoming that hurdle. Comparing it to BTS’ discography, this theme continues to be present throughout their music. In their song Tomorrow, there is a lyric that reminds us not to give up as “the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest”. When Halsey featured Suga in SUGA’s Interlude, Suga raps again on this theme. He adds a somewhat concluding remark, saying: “but never forget that the stars that you wish for can only rise within the dark.” When I was having a difficult time these few months, I held those lyrics close to my heart to remind me that there will be better days.

We may not know what tomorrow will bring. There will be days that are bright, there will also be days when the dark seems to swallow us. We will be right at times, but we will also have days full of doubt. As we can change, the people around us could change to — for better or for worse. Though sometimes we feel like throwing all caution to the wind and give in to our hatred, RM admits that this action will backfire on ourselves in the end (“natural enemy to success”).

There was something interesting I wanted to comment on the musical aspect of the song. From having the gentle playing of a lone piano, there was a segue into a distortion of RM’s voice as he questions life’s purpose. He seems to be arguing with himself, as he repeats multiple times: “Were we born to die? Were we born to live?”. The voice distortion between the two questions seemed intentional, as though RM accepts that he is aware this was his ‘shadow’, or the part of him that he should be wary of.

Cheeky sidenote, there was a lyric in this track that says “the world is one decalcomania”. Let me have my soft imagination that Jungkook possibly referred to his first and last role model’s music to write “Decalcomania” last year.

Adrift 표류

“Where is my meaning. Where is my heart. In this vast universe. I’m endlessly adrift”

It can so often feel like we are adrift, out at sea with no purpose or direction. Or perhaps we have purpose and direction, but are not able to get back to shore because so many circumstances in life are out of our immediate control. If we are already adrift in this vast universe it can be infinitely more difficult to maintain intimate relationships with others. How can we feel someone else’s love if we do not first love ourselves? But how can we feel like we have meaning and purpose, a heart, if there is not someone else to love who is not ourself? Here lies the journey which we all must embark on; we must learn to love ourselves while we are adrift in the vast emptiness of the universe, the ocean, life as we know it. This is no easy task, in fact, it’s the hardest task of all that at times can make everything feel worse; loneliness amplified.

Not only does one have to assume the role of hero in their own life — not only does Namjoon have to become a Monster — but we also must love ourselves in the process. Even if this process turns us into what we feel are literal monsters, or someone undeserving of love, when we stand in front of the mirror and hold all of our own complexities in our gaze, it is something each of us must work through.

It is here that we see the continuation of RM’s personal narrative, going from Runch Randa to Rap Monster, and soon RM. The names indicative of a synthesis, going from long to short, eventually one day it might just be R, real… or perhaps I or 1. Theoretically, we will always remain adrift in the vast universe, but it’s our connectedness to ourselves, and through that, one another that can make it feel like we have both feet firmly on the ground. We are relational beings after all. So when we are adrift, and we know we must love ourselves and love one another, we must be our own hero, yet we still feel so hopeless, so helpless… what is it that we do? When all else fails, all we can do is believe.

I Believe (feat.BTS)

It’s one life to live and one heart to give, so what do you want to be?

I Believe is a cheery song about how RM is now able to believe in himself. Through these 11 tracks, RM took us on a journey through his insecurities and his struggles, and ends the mixtape with the acceptance of himself.

RM shares that as he starts to believe in himself, he encourages his listeners to believe in themselves too. “Bad thoughts and pessimistic realisations, That’ll seem like it’s right but you’re really erasing your flavour”. I found this particular lyric quite interesting, as RM uses ‘flavour’ as imagery to express that we will lose who we are if we give in to the voices of others. RM expresses cheerfully, “I believe in hope, I believe in love.”

RM then seems to have a dialogue with his younger self, telling him to choose between his heart and his head. We can deny all we want to, but we are unable to deny what our heart beats for.

It’s heartwarming when the rest of BTS joins in during the chorus of this track, singing together: “No matter where I am or what I do, I believe, I believe.”

If we can take any lesson from RM it should be that although we may not have the end-all answers to our worries or doubts, we will continue to move forward. In the spirit of MOTS: 7, we ON! Here’s to the next five years of RM and all the lessons we can continue to learn from it. Thank you, RM, for everything.

Written in collaboration between Wallea Eaglehawk and Lily Low.