“I believe in myself; my back hurts in order to let my wings sprout.”
— BTS, “Wings”
In the middle of my second year of teaching, I discovered something within me was missing. “What was it?” was a question I asked myself daily. Initially, I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what and I began to assume it was the repetition of school, which consisted of reading, writing, meetings and the endless grading of papers. It became clear I was struggling in numerous ways and I believed I needed more confidence, love and acceptance, what I needed was a gigantic reset. This was when I found Bangtan Sonyeondan, well actually they found me. Reflecting on my attachment, obsession and absolute devotion to Bangtan Sonyeondan (BTS) is a monumental task. Let me see, do you have a couple of years?
I was totally accustomed to the everyday schedule of a teacher. Each day with middle schoolers brought different types of feelings, successes and failures. Some days were definitely easier than others. Good days were usually really good and bad days were horrible. It was life as I knew it and life was fine, there just wasn’t anything special. I was content, happy in the medium, or at least I thought I was, but each day I started to feel increasingly despondent, as if I was walking in a field of misery.
Everyday living, teaching and surviving had become an arduous task. The days I had become so familiar with were beginning to slowly suffocate me; I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt a deep sadness and an increasing amount of loneliness. I was beginning to understand that a basic happiness was missing from my life. It wasn’t teaching, I loved my job and my students; but I would arrive at school, enter my classroom and just cry uncontrollably. I was filled with relentless fear and anxiety. I was so lost. Over the course of my life, I always struggled with confidence, acceptance and the feeling of not being good enough. Believing in myself was an elusive idea that seemed terribly out of reach, stuck on the highest shelf. It was at this incredibly low point in my life that I accidentally found BTS. Well, it wasn’t accidental, everything happens for a reason, right?
Within the fandom, I constantly hear, “You don’t choose to follow BTS, they choose you. It’s fate.” I, however, was not someone who believed in fate. Teaching required me to stay level headed with my feet firmly on the ground and usually prevented me from being concerned with too much of anything else except my day to day. My students were, still are, my everything. The students I taught were energetic, sometimes motivated, and they brought a different kind of chaos to my otherwise mundane life.
If I had to pick one student who fit the energetic persona perfectly, it would be Penelope. Every day for weeks on end she would play videos of BTS on my overhead projector and dance as if there was no tomorrow. Most of the time I would barely be engaged, but this day, standing in my classroom, was different. I was drowning. The overwhelming feelings of insecurity, weakness, sadness and depression were beginning to become all-consuming. However, this time I heard something that broke through the roaring negative thoughts of my mind. I heard the line: “Spread, spread, spread my wings.” The lyrics from the BTS song, “Wings” were ringing out. I was surprised by what I heard and it reminded me of a time when life was easier, times were different and I was happier. I stopped to listen and began to realize these lyrics were uplifting, exciting, hopeful and moved me in a way I couldn’t quite explain. They gave me feelings of confidence, freedom and happiness. It seemed as soon as the song started, it was over, and I asked Penelope to play it again and again and again. We must have listened to “Wings” for what was an eternity. This song had me mesmerized and engulfed with a feeling I hadn’t experienced in an incredibly long while.
My initial encounter with BTS happened on this fateful fall day, and ever since that moment I have never looked back. “I believe in myself; my back hurts in order to let my wings sprout,” is the quote which resonates with me the most. I feel it sends this universal message of allowing yourself to be the best version of you, to believe anything is possible and that achieving your dreams is a goal we all can pursue and accomplish.
My journey began in that instant. Who were these young men? What was this song? Why was I so invested? My research was relentless, I needed to understand why I was so affected by these lyrics and the voices of these seven young men. Thousands of questions raced in my mind and I needed the answers to each and every one of them. I did the only logical thing anyone could do, I started from the beginning and worked my way forward. I went on to research anything and everything BTS did; how they started, the struggles they faced, small meet and greets, and the music… most of all the music.
As I learned more about BTS, I became increasingly involved with their message. Even though BTS are superstar performers and worldwide idols, they also had struggles, they were affected by sadness, and yet they continued to express emotions of love and support to others. The boys share their lives, feelings and music with us in their own unique ways and sharing is paramount in fostering the message of loving yourself. Seeing them express so many of their emotions without restraint made me want to have those feelings of loving yourself, supporting one another and acceptance as well.
The messages BTS gave me was a sense of hope, something I had been without for too long. It was their sentiments which brought a growing realization that with inner strength, I would regain my peace, my happiness and cultivate a belief in myself.
The unconditional love, mutual respect and understanding they possess as a group is more than remarkable. For the first time in a long time, I felt stronger. From this strength, I began to feel better, happier, more involved and interested. They were like a breath of fresh air when I had been holding my breath for too long.
As an ARMY mom, what we have is unique and manifests in countless ways. We are not what is considered your typical BTS fans, which consist of young, teenage girls who scream at every moment as if their lives are all consumed, or almost fainting and feeling out of control. One of the obvious reasons we aren’t typical is because we are older, have children and have reached that stage in life where fangirling over young Korean men, or any younger men, really, is deemed as weird.
The ARMY mom experience is two-fold; on the one hand, we fiercely support our boys, and I do mean fiercely. We are those ride-or-die ladies who can support our habits. We have jobs, yet we are still constantly searching Twitter, browsing Weverse and waiting for any new notifications. We can usually buy whatever we want, and that’s what we do; if something new drops, we don’t need to ask our mothers for permission to buy this or that, or to go to concerts. We are the mothers.
On the other hand, we are mothers! We have jobs, children, responsibilities and, at times, face a large amount of flack from younger ARMY’s because we are older. Even with some of the hate that comes our way, most of the time we are unbothered. We follow other moms and we have our own little community. In some ways, it is different than most fangirling, but deep down, if we are honest with ourselves, we are all the same.
Once during a performance, BTS asked to find an ARMY Mom in the audience. Imagine our complete and utter surprise watching them search for us, acknowledging army moms exist and were present at concerts, fan meets and events proved they knew of us, and we mattered.
Caption — “An ARMY mom is there.”
Becoming a part of the BTS fandom has allowed me to meet and connect with so many wonderful people, especially other ARMY moms with similar interests and struggles, that I would not have met otherwise. We relate to one another as we all have an immense love for the boys and what they stand for in their music and message.
As ARMY moms within the fandom and on various social media platforms, we have created our very own personal “Magic Shop.” These places we have created are special and allow us to be ourselves. We have no preconceived ideas and everything is uniquely ours; we express our feelings, hopes and dreams with undying support. In our “Magic Shops”, we live and breathe BTS, support causes which are meaningful and offer helping hands to our fellow ARMY moms when needed. Groups such as these are very important for us because it allows us to have a bigger voice within our fandom. Within these protective walls, we are absolutely, unapologetically, ourselves. Fangirling is wholeheartedly encouraged; actually it has become our way of life.
Understanding and accepting the love and support encountered within this fandom, or should I say community, has empowered me to grow and encouraged me to be fearless. The ARMY mom community believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. The friends I have discovered and gotten to know have absolutely changed how I view myself.
Adventures I never would have attempted, or even considered on my own are experiences I am now eager to complete. For example, without a shred of hesitation, I flew across the United States for the Jingle Ball concert in Los Angeles to hang out with other ARMY moms and watch BTS perform live. It was the best trip of my life. These ARMY moms have become such a fixture in my world that our next adventure is planning a trip to South Korea. Realizing the importance of the ARMY mom’s support and understanding, receiving heartfelt messages from the boys themselves through music and charity work; I am becoming a better version of myself. BTS has given me the strength, coupled with the comradery of other ARMY moms, and the music to recognize as long as I believe in myself, I can do anything. All I needed to do was “Spread my Wings.”
My life has changed in numerous ways; I feel more confident, more secure and engaged. This journey has not only made me a better teacher, but a better and more well-rounded person. I have become more understanding, I accept more and have a deeper sense of empathy for others. It is easier to trust myself and my decisions, to understand the direction I am heading and why I am heading there.
This is only the beginning of my journey. The message BTS conveys to the world is universal: to love yourself, believe in yourself, chase your dreams and understand no matter who you are or where you’re from, there is a purpose and a path to follow. BTS has shown me in so many ways how to move forward because “You never walk alone.” Everyone has struggles, insecurities and fears, life is rough and times such as these can be overwhelming and engulf us, but we must continue to push towards our goals and continuously learn to love ourselves.
“Save Me, I’m Fine,” is the anagram tattoo I have on my arm with one of the Love Yourself flowers connected to it. These words, so simple and complete, remind me to be conscious of my thoughts and feelings, to always love myself and realize that I am enough. They have given me immense amounts of hope and strength, different ways for me to acknowledge the struggles and to understand in life the road will at times be tough. The tattoo reminds me sometimes I might need saving, however, ultimately with BTS, I’m Fine.
