Promise
I’d like to think this all began with a promise, even if that’s not entirely the truth. Maybe it started with a photo or a dance break or a focus cam, but something about that doesn’t feel right. Maybe that doesn’t feel poetic enough to encapsulate the monumental shift that occurred when you fell into my life. Maybe there aren’t enough words in my vernacular to formulate the impact you made when I discovered who you were. Maybe it’s easier to say it started with a promise because, in a way, it did. It was a silent promise, even if I wasn’t aware of it at the time. It was a promise of comfort, of encouragement, and, unbeknownst to me, the ability to grow alongside you. In a funny way, you entering my life was like a quiet promise of solace and care, of strength and courage. Because every time I’ve needed you, you’ve been there. Every turn my life has taken in the past four years, you’ve quietly been standing by, vocals and movements at the ready, in order to bring my life back into pristine clarity once more. Every direction I’ve moved in, every dramatic choice I’ve made has inevitably led me back to you. It’s almost like we’re like in sync, you and I. The ebbs and flows of our two vastly different lives have somehow worked in motion. Somehow, some way, you’ve become the uplifting light that keeps me going, that motivating entity that ignites the passion for my work and life.
You’ve become my inspiration. While others find theirs through moments in nature, the right playlist, the perfect still frame, or a movie reel, perhaps, for me it was with you. It was those eleven minutes and forty-eight seconds of you in a black hoodie, in a hotel room, pouring your soul out on screen. It was your endless dance videos, the determination and dedication blatant on your face. It was those comments from the members, describing the lengths to which you went to perfect your craft. It was your ability to empathize, to put yourself at the level of others and say “I get you and I understand you”. It was your heart, so perfect in size and yet so willing to grow, so undeniably good. It was the ending ments at each concert, where you continuously vowed to work harder, do better, and be an improved version of yourself, as if you weren’t brilliant already. It was each of these moments that built upon each other, forming the foundational layers upon which I began to understand you, bit by bit. Piece by piece, I saw myself grow along with you, learning from you with each new album release, video, or song
Like the word I’ve found engraved into my skin, you’ve become my serendipity. It’s that word, bright on my screen on an August evening, and you wrapped up in a blanket, staring into the galaxy, that found me once again. That projection of the night sky in contrast to your curious gaze that allowed me to understand you through something so metaphysical as the universe itself. To offer me something to hold on to after uprooting myself and moving 8000 km away from home. Yet again, you showed up when I needed you, as if you were conscious of the instances of my life and had found the perfect moment to check back in. Only this time, you taught me it was OK to leave things up to fate. To pause. To breathe. To enjoy the moments in time and space where anything is possible. To embrace the good and the bad and colour everything the most vibrant shade of yellow. To believe in the power of the sunshine and not be afraid of the darkness, because underneath that veil of uncertainty lives the gloriousness of the cosmos — the endless possibility of the unknown; the serendipitous timing of fate. You showed me the freedom in suspending all limiting beliefs and diving into the possibilities that lay on the other side. You coming into my life is a direct manifestation of this, and so it wasn’t so impossible to believe the Earth could move and destiny could be jealous. Just for a moment. Just in the quiet of my apartment, headphones in and eyes locked on the screen. Just for that sliver of time, I tried to make a promise to believe. Because like the way of the universe, you had come into my life once again (as if you had ever left) and spoken to my soul.
And just like that, a little while later, it became both of our turns to make a promise. Belief in the universe turned to belief in ourselves, manifesting itself into a two and a half minute track on SoundCloud that took my breath away. As if I didn’t see you already. As if I didn’t understand you already. As if you didn’t already speak to a part of myself that I’ve been so scared of confronting. You made me promise, one of the hardest things I could do, to love myself. To appreciate myself. To link my metaphorical pinkie with yours and say I will treat myself with love and care. I will nourish the passions I hold and never let myself feel as inadequate as before. That meant the world to me, that night in December, in the consolation of my bedroom after dark, listening through headphones and clutching a cup of tea. It was almost cinematic, saying goodbye to a year that allowed both of us to grow in indescribable ways. It was this new beginning, a promise to continue the work we’d put in before to contemplate the complexities that make us who we are and fill the gaps with so much love. A promise to use our empathetic souls on ourselves and shine that inspiring light inwards.
And I’ve made promises before, sure. Dinner dates and engagements and locking away secrets that I’ll take to the afterlife. But never like this.
You see, you taught me the courage to face the thing that I’ve been most afraid of: myself. For so long, it’d been impossible to confront the intricacies that make me who I am, so beautifully paralleled with the stories you’ve shared with us before. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, uncertainty, imperfection, and, as of late, self-doubt. The you that I believe in has overcome these things, has repeatedly told us that the trials and tribulations that have plagued your mind prior have been resolved. What a thing to aspire to, right? So imagine how hard it was to make that promise to someone who has accomplished all of this. To vow to be introspective, forgive the unforgivable, and go forward with compassion.
I know you continue to fight your inner battles on the daily, and I’m not ignorant to the fact that you’re not perfect. But it’s those nuances, those layers to who you are, what you dream of becoming, that make you my inspiration. It feels weird saying that to someone whom I have 336 days of experience around the sun on, but it’s true. And though you made me promise to love the entire mosaic of my being, I want to make a new promise. I want to promise that like I find inspiration in you, I will seek out the inspiration in myself — I will be my own light. Because seeing you do that, seeing you grow comfortable in your skin, uncover the patterns and thoughts that make you who you are and love them, fully, is something I think I can try and do myself. As you continue to grow, expanding on your capabilities, taking on new projects within your passions (hello, Mr. Project Manager), I know that you’re doing what you love. I know we inspire you, as you’ve said repeatedly (and yes, we are well aware of how much you love us and it’s all right back at you), and I can only hope that you inspire yourself.
So, as this started with a promise, it will thus end with one as well. I promise to continue emulating what you’ve projected out into the world, understanding and loving myself. But I also promise to be kinder to the parts of me that are still developing, still finding their way in the maze that is my fate. And I can only hope that my labyrinth correlates with yours, and that we can, pinkies intertwined, keep going forward together.
