This is my story and this makes me an ARMY
I am a recovering VAV addict
Since the beginning of December 2018, I have fallen into a K-pop pool and have not been able to get out. The first K-Pop band I ever came across was VAV during a commercial I got before my original YouTube video. I don’t remember what that video was, but I do remember that the song I heard in the commercial was Señorita. That song was at the time different from what I was listening to and in comparison to the music I listened to back then it has such a different vibe. That was one of the things which attracted me to click on a new video from them.
I think VAV soon became the only music that played through my speakers at home, my earbuds at school or on the train. I never got into a band as quickly as I did with them. During my first year as a VAMPZ, the name given to VAV’s fan group, I also came across other K-Pop bands but none of them were able to hold my interest. I remember clicking on a video called ‘BTS (방탄소년단) ‘IDOL’ Official MV’ by accident because I actually wanted to click on VAV’s music video Venus (Dance With Me). I had left my room and only noticed I had clicked on the wrong video when I returned one minute in Idol. I was totally surprised that I heard a different song than the one I thought I had clicked on. Back then I didn’t find it very appealing although it had everything that VAV music videos also had. So why did I stop music video? I think I wasn’t ready yet for BTS and I’m happy with that.
So my time with VAV continued. Every time I got back home from school I went up to my room and continued my addiction to VAV. My life consisted of VAV so much that I spent every waking minute on them and their content. My social life became very limited as this addiction continued. The only contact I had with the outside world and my friends was through school or internships, walking the dog, and my part-time jobs. Back then I didn’t see this as unhealthy while deep down I knew it was. I just didn’t want to see the light at the end of the very obvious tunnel that I was in.
Finding BTS
Before the summer of 2019, I graduated from school and fell into a hole of free time. In the first few weeks, it was fun, but I wanted to spend time with my friends again. After asking to see all of my friends and only getting ‘No’ in reply I realized how much I had missed out on. It really shook up my world I realized that my love for VAV had gotten in the way of my life and was what I began to view as an addiction.
When I realized this I knew I had to change something about it. So I took a step back and became a normal fan instead of the super fan I had been before that. This wasn’t easy but I somehow managed to do this. Are you wondering if I stopped listening to VAV entirely? No, I did not. Even today I still enjoy their songs and VCAMS, but I put the lid on the jar that exploded back in December 2018. This is a fine balance I have made in my life that I’m content with. The last months before the new year of 2020 I enjoyed my life very well. I did everything again what I used to do before VAV, but still spent too much time in my room and on my laptop. I still had too much free time on my hands because finding a job in my profession wasn’t easy. One day I went to YouTube to listen to music while looking for jobs online. After listening to VAV’s Give Me More I saw a music video from BTS in the list of recommended songs. It was BTS — Boy With Luv ft. Halsey. There was something different about the thumbnail which made me want to click on it. Again I was blown away by everything in the music video. This was their first song that I listened to entirely and there was such a soothing vibe in Taehyungs voice. At the time I referred to him as the boy with the blue hair. That is what stood out to me and I wanted to hear more of his voice. It was Taehyung, that made me click on a new music video and then another.
The next day I started looking up more details. I finally learned the name of the blue-haired boy who had captured my attention. His stage name is V for Victory, as he had said when he was asked the question once, his real name is Kim Taehyung. I can say at that moment, he stole my heart and became my bias. At this moment I can say he has almost been wrecked by almost every member in BTS and I decided to become an OT7 with Taehyung as my favorite member.
How has my life changed since BTS?
As time progressed to the end of December I was a major ARMY already. Just like with VAV this happened very quickly, but the difference I immediately noticed was that my life changed positively. I just really want and need to say that I am thankful to VAV for getting me into that infamous K-Pop-pool because I would have never clicked on a BTS music video otherwise. It has almost been a year since that day. I still remember when I looked up information on BTS, that within an hour I learned that the band consisted of seven people. I learnt all of their names: Leader RM, who is also known as Kim Namjoon, followed by Jin or Kim Seok Jin, SUGA or Min Yoongi, j-hope or Jung Hoseok, Jimin or Park Ji Min, V or Kim Taehyung and lastly Jungkook or Jeon Jung Kook. I also learned the fandom name ARMY, shortened from Adorable Representative M.C. for Youth, very fast.
The more looked up the more I came into a world I didn’t know existed. I was amazed by how big they have gotten in a relatively short time. There was one thing that stood out in my research and that was that they had performed DNA at the AMAs and won the top social artist at the BMAs both in 2017. Yet they are somehow still relatively unknown in the Netherlands despite us being a country that copies the USA a lot. So why did the media and the radio in the Netherlands not pick up on this? That is still a mystery to me.
I have been an ARMY now for close to 5 months and can see that my life has changed in a positive way. I was inspired to pick up my drawing again and thanks to BTS. I’m glad that I did because I realized that I missed drawing so much that I wanted to keep doing it. In the space of a month, my drawing skills had gotten so much better that I now share my art with people from all over the world and have applied to an art academy. I never thought that this was possible. As I said before BTS changed my life in a positive way. Since I became an ARMY I spend more of my time away from my room and laptop. I had found a new hobby in my drawing.
BTS made me come out of my room again and spend my days downstairs like a normal person. I also picked up my social life again. Through my art, I’m gaining new friends and connections. Something that I absolutely didn’t foresee when I joined ARMY. I started talking to ARMYs from all over the world. One of my followers on Instagram reached out to me through a private message one day telling me how she got to my Instagram account and we started talking. The same day we exchanged phone numbers to make our communication easier. This is now a little month ago and to this day we still talk to each other.
I recently got in contact with several Dutch ARMYs who want to meet face-to-face before the concert of BTS on July 8 in Rotterdam, if that is still going to continue due to the corona crisis in the world. Anyways, my new friends and I are planning to meet each other on May 30, 2020, in Utrecht. I’m looking forward to it very much!
This is something that I have also noticed when I joined the ARMY, it is so easy to get in contact with one another and all the ARMYs are very nice and welcoming. I have always had the feeling that when I joined ARMY that I became part of a family and now I know that this feeling is true.
A question that I still ask myself every day is; ‘How has ARMY, or BTS, affected my life?,’ and to this day I still don’t know the answer to that exactly. The social aspect of my life has been affected by ARMY very much, but the entire package deal of BTS and ARMY made my life a lot healthier. I finally am noticing the changes this is heaving on me. I am less tired than I was when I spent entire days in my room, only going downstairs when I truly had to. Since I spend my days majorly downstairs now I also go out more with my dog. This is a healthy change in my life as I move more because of it which had completely stopped since my graduation.
Another change that BTS has on my life is that I finally got the right push to change something about my lifestyle. When I heard the message, ‘Love Yourself, Love Myself’, that BTS stands for, I felt that it didn’t apply to me since I don’t love my entire self. The thing that I don’t love about myself is my weight. I have a serious cause of obesity, but never did anything about it or didn’t have the motivation to do anything about it. All reasons piled up together and BTS and ARMY as a constant motivation and reminder to be good to myself made me change my entire lifestyle. I changed my lifestyle in all aspects, in particular, food and movement. I also started going to a dietitian to keep track of my weight. This has seen a positive change in my health.
So all-in-all the effect BTS and ARMY have on my life is very, very good in all aspects I can think of. My social life got so much bigger and my lifestyle has changed so much that I find it hard to believe; it is all thanks to BTS and ARMY. Now every time I ask myself that same question I already know some of the answers. I know that when somebody asks me this question again in a year my answer will be completely different from what I have said here.
Do I feel bothered or ashamed by the way that I became an ARMY? And should you?
That answer is very easily given. No, I don’t. Yes, my way of becoming an ARMY was a different one than people might expect when they think of an ARMY. I didn’t exactly have becoming an ARMY as a goal on my bucket list, but I still got there somehow. My journey had a few bumps along the way, and was definitely not the most beautiful one. Am I proud of my journey? No, I’m not, but I don’t want to change it either. Nobody in the world is perfect and I think the way that I became an ARMY with all it bumps along the way is a perfect example of that. First of all, I became an ARMY through an entirely different band. Secondly, my health and social life were seriously impacted from my time as a VAMPZ. I had to deal with the consequences of the impact when I began my journey as an ARMY. Lastly, I didn’t immediately like BTS when I first heard their music. This might be completely different from your way to BTS and that is okay. We’re all different after all and we make our own choices. I just made mine in this way.
My message to you, the reader, is please don’t feel ashamed or bothered by the way that you became an ARMY. Your way might be different, you might not recognize yourself in my story. There is one thing we do all have in common and that is that we somehow recognize ourselves in the music of BTS and the message that they spread. I know that there are many ARMYs out there who feel different or left out when they interact with other ARMYs and that is completely understandable. That feeling might be caused by becoming an ARMY very late and that you don’t know all details that other ARMYs do, or because you got into BTS through a different K-Pop band or idol.
If you recognize yourself in my story then I have one other thing to say to you and that is; ‘Don’t care one bit about what other people, including other ARMYs, say to you. This is your life and these are your choices. Make mistakes and learn from them, but never feel that you are different from any other ARMY. Never feel ashamed of bothered by the way that you became an ARMY because that is the way you were meant to take.’ If there is anybody who still experiences that people, either ARMYs or in your social life, judge you on the way that you became an ARMY then I have another message and that is to not give a damn about what other people think. People who make judgments based on stories without knowing the facts are not worth your time or attention. People who do that are just like you, they do it just to get a reaction out of you because they enjoy bringing people down. Remember always to love yourself, if you can do that while accepting the way that you have become an ARMY then you are on the right track. There should be more people like you in the world, but you didn’t hear that from me.
My name is Saràh, 21. I’m a Dutch ARMY who loves drawing and most importantly BTS. I’m a former VAV addict and my addiction had some serious changes in my life. I’m not proud of all those changes but they are part of my way of becoming an ARMY. BTS and ARMY got me back on the right track and made me want to better my life, which I am still doing to this day. This is my story and this makes me an ARMY. I Am ARMY.
This personal essay is published on Bulletproof as part of Revolutionaries’ I Am ARMY Archives which aims to highlight the lived-experience of ARMY from around the world. Revolutionaries are an independent book publisher with a BTS specific imprint, Bulletproof. You can follow us on Twitter here.
If you want to submit a personal essay to be a part of the I Am ARMY Archives please email Editor-in-Chief Wallea Eaglehawk at wallea@revolutionaries.com.au.
