15 Slightly-Odd Relationship Deal Breakers

You gotta know when to fold ‘em.

She won’t even allow you to share the sidewalk!

Hey guys — ever get that nagging feeling that things aren’t quite right in your relationship?

A feeling deep down inside that maybe you should end things?

Well, in my never-ending task of helping all the men out there, here are 15 signs that this relationship is not for you.

1. She is constantly complaining about your unkempt appearance and doesn’t cease until you shave off all the hairs off your body so you more closely resemble a seal. She is also really into seals.
2. When the two of you discuss your future plans she always gleefully suggests cutting off all ties with friends and family and joining a cult. ‘Cutting off ties’ is her solution for everything.
3. She insists on treating you like a hostile witness while interrogating you about your whereabouts despite your providing ample proof that you have a 9–5 job.
4. After moving in together, she purchases a whole family of long-haired cats as a favor to you, as she believes your pet allergy is “in your head”. Also “in your head” is that she is replacing your allergy medication with ecstasy.
5. She refuses to bend on her “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy, but then goes and burns all of your shirts and shoes chanting “freedom” the whole time.
6. Always making you the donkey when playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey on games nights with friends and then strongly hinting at you continuing to play the donkey the rest of the week as well.
7. She threw you a surprise birthday party with the main surprises being the location, the lack of any guests and your having to find your own way home without your phone, wallet and glasses.
8. Repeatedly scaring you in elaborate ways while you are shaving including hiding in the bathtub and leaping out, turning off the lights and laughing demonically by the light of a flashlight and entering the room revving a chainsaw.
9. She insists on your dressing up as a bear for Halloween so she can use her new spray and, when it ceases to completely tame you, she insists on using her new stun gun. Ironically, she sits on a board of a non-profit that aims to reduce harm towards bears.
10. Her New Year’s resolutions included buying extra baggage, aiming to be as high maintenance as possible and starting her own fight club.
11. She stares at you, without blinking, while you are eating and then, when you are done, she critiques your performance.
12. To demonstrate she has a sense of humor, she calls the FBI screaming that you are holding her hostage and then, when they arrive, she opens the door to the two of you doing the tango.
13. She believes that couples that “play together, stay together”, but her idea of play involves giving you electroshock therapy using the equipment she ordered.
14. Hides small amounts of arsenic in your smoothies and when you finally figure it out after months of symptoms that included diarrhea, vomiting, vomiting blood, blood in the urine, cramping muscles, hair loss, stomach pain, she acts hurt claiming that she was only helping you build up a tolerance for it “just in case.”
15. She bans all touching as a preventative measure.