15 Things Donald Trump Ordered Reince Priebus To Do His First Day On The Job

As the president-elect’s Chief of Staff, Priebus will be the third most powerful man in the White House after Ivanka

Preibus was ordered never to use the president-elect’s “how small, this small” finger gesture again.

At an impromptu press conference held outside the lavish men’s room in Trump Tower, the future president shared a list of 15 things he has asked his new Chief of Staff, Reince Preibus, to do on his first day on the job in January:

1. Change your name — it sounds like a species of lowland gorilla
2. Wash everything that still might have that “Kenya smell” on it
3. Oval Office? Fuck that, we’re going circular
4. Install screens on the North and South Porticos — can’t stand bugs
5. No family dog or any of that shit. Barron’s got a couple alligators, that’ll do
6. Gold leaf White House columns
7. Send a case of Trump Wine to every cop in the nation — they stand between us and certain death
8. Meatloaf in the kitchen, lots of meatloaf (and keep Christie out of there)
9. Turn that extra bedroom on the second floor into a hair salon
10. No way my Ferragamos are walking to the helicopter on wet grass — let’s go with helipad on roof
11. Make sure Ivanka and I have adjoining bedrooms
12. Rip out Michelle’s garden and put in shooting range — those buttheads who voted for me are going to show up packing
13. Park trailer on back lawn for Rudy and Newt, add second for Pence
14. Change name of Blue Room to Putin Room (or is that too obvious?)
15. Get El Chapo and his boys up here, have them dig a tunnel directly from Circular Office to U.S. Treasury

(Confidential: put outside lock on Melania’s bedroom door — don’t want her barging in when I’m doing that Bill Clinton twisty-dick thing with interns)

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