19 Things Barack Obama Did While Vacationing On Sir Richard’s Private Island

The former president and First Lady just returned from a well-deserved, two-week holiday on Necker, Sir Richard Branson’s exclusive Caribbean island.

Mr. Obama not only wrote and read every day, but now that he doesn’t have to answer to the public, Congress, or the media, he also kicked back to master the max chillax. Here is some of what he did:

1. Sunbathed nude
2. Used a Thich Nhat Hanh meditation CD to purge all mental images of Senator Mitch McConnell

The former president’s first kitesurfing experience was memorable when he diverted the path of a meteor fragment, saving the lives of countless Necker sunbathers.

3. Learned to kitesurf. While airborne on only his second run, Mr. Obama caught a fragment of a streaking meteor on a collision course with hundreds of Necker sunbathers, including children. No one was injured thanks to the former president’s athleticism and perfect timing.

4. Spent one afternoon on Branson’s sun-dappled basketball court working on his dunk shot. Perfected a 360º spin move with a half-twist to the basket.

5. Rose early on fourth day to begin writing his memoir. Finished initial draft by morning of the following day.

6. Snorkeled nude

7. Caught up on the 4,945,632 private emails amassed in his inbox

8. Got scuba certification. Found 18th Century sunken Spanish galleon off southern coast of Necker with roughly 12,000 gold doubloons buried in cargo hold. Reported discovery to Spanish authorities.

Catching up on eight years of limited sex, the Obama’s really went at it everywhere from their palatial suite, above, to the warm, salty shoals just outside their bedroom.

9. Had pent-up sex with Michelle on the shaded terrace outside their bedroom, in the hot tub, under the stars on the beach at night, in their private soaking pool, on the twin daybeds in their suite, inside the cabana, from the rafters, half-submerged resting on a sandbar, while rocking in a hammock, and dangling in mid-air while kitesurfing.

10. Started and finished War And Peace as a literary appetizer one evening before dinner.

After wrestling it from the grip of a giant clam, Mr. Obama brought this massive pearl to the surface, a gift for Michelle.

11. Dove for pearls. Found what may be the world’s largest natural specimen, at more than 75 pounds, inside a giant clam. Presented it to Michelle at dinner. Brought her to tears.

12. Over a bottle of expensive Barbadillo sherry, Mr. Obama discussed the framework for a comprehensive, global energy policy with Sir Richard that would eliminate the use of all fossil fuels by 2025 and reverse climate change. The planet-saving plan will be introduced at this year’s Clinton Global Initiative.

13. Played nude Scrabble with Michelle on their two-tiered, private solar deck. Waved twice to an orbiting Chinese satellite.

14. Sang a medley of Al Green songs to resort guests gathered on the idyllic moon terrace after dinner one evening. Sony Music CEO Doug Morris was vacationing on Necker with his wife and heard the former president’s sultry crooning. Morris signed Mr. Obama to a three-year, multi-million dollar recording contract.

15. Called Sasha and Malia several times during the trip just to say, “Your Mom and I have fallen in love all over again.”

16. Wrote “A Short History of Necker Island,” due out with Farrar, Straus and Giroux in early May.

17. The Obamas sailed to Anegada Island, 12 miles from Necker, which has the third biggest barrier reef in the world. After briefly studying the reef structure while scuba diving, the former president had a revelation about replacing the ocean’s damaged coral reefs with synthetic reefs 3-D printed on calcium carbonate. He contacted The Cousteau Society upon returning to the resort, and family scion, Fabien Cousteau, immediately committed funds to the further study of Mr. Obama’s idea.

Mr. Obama became so fascinated with Necker Island during his two-week stay, he wrote a 150-page history of the unspoiled island paradise that will be released by a major publishing company this spring.

18. Tried his hand at sonnets. Instead of the usual fourteen line poem, he developed a twelve line rhyming scheme with 12 syllables per line instead of the typical 10. He’s calling the new style, Obamoetry.

19. Received flurry of frantic calls from Democratic party leaders, foreign dignitaries, and intelligence agency staffers about the escalating chaos in Washington. Mr. Obama calmly reassured the anxious callers, telling them: “Do you really think that I would leave America in the hands of an inexperienced, unhinged, erratic, and extremely dangerous bloviator without establishing reliable safeguards before I departed Washington? People, please, just relax. I’ve got this.”

*****

If you liked this post, please heart it, comment, and/or follow me. I read every comment. Thanks. — AI