6 fun ways to be insulted as a writer
I guess it comes with the territory.
We are a sensitive bunch.
I thought it would get easier over the years but it hasn’t.
Here are just a few ways we writers can sink into mini-depression, over and over again.
The unsubscribe email
After I write a post on my blog, it is sent out via email at exactly 1:00 PM the following day. The emails only get sent to those who willingly subscribed to receive them. No pressure is applied (unless you consider that pop-up as aggressive).
The subscriber knows that all of my posts are related to gardening and plants. It is not only obvious from the title of the blog but from a 3 second scan of the blog front page. I can’t fool you into providing me with your email address.
So when an “unsubscribe request” arrives in my inbox at 1:03 PM, there is no greater fuck you.
The reader not only doesn’t want to read my latest entry, but they can’t delete me fast enough from their online universe. Deleting the individual email itself wasn’t enough. The pain of seeing my happy gardener face is enough of a burden that the investment of 30 seconds to unsubscribe is worth it.
Do you hate gardening? Then why does your email end with @ilovegardens.com.
Do I not know what I am talking about? Then challenge me with a comment.
Do you feel like I spammed you? About that email address YOU gave me.
The “cute post” comment
I have never vied for “cute post” feedback.
In fact, the word “cute” has always felt like a “I can’t think of any other descriptive word so cute will have to do” word choice.
Cute is the comment my Mom leaves on a Facebook picture of my daughter’s dance recital.
Cute is the comment my aunt leaves on a picture of me in a pool in 1979 on #TBT.
Cute only works if it is a kitten and a rhino coexisting in a zoo.
I’d rather you tell me that my story was “stupid” or “uninformed” or even “boring”. Not cute. At least the other terms evoke an actual emotion.
Cute is a lazy descriptive.
The realization that sarcasm was missed by the reader.
I am a sarcastic bastard.
My kids are 87% of the way there as well. Solid parenting.
The challenge when writing sarcastically is to not telegraph the sarcasm. Allow it be picked up by the savvy reader. When that happens, it can be magical.
The problem lies with the non-savvy reader. The literal reader. When attempts at sarcasm fall flat, so does the purpose of the story. And then you get comments like:
“You should be more appreciative of your children” or “I can’t believe you hate yourself so much”.
Think individual who doesn’t get “The Onion”.
I am thinking about adding a “wink, wink” to every line in every story I will ever write again.
The courtesy “like” or “recommend”
I appreciate the props Facebook and Medium reader.
But I keep close tabs on my stats and when I see “0 reads” and “0 views” but 3 “recommends” on my Medium story, I can’t always blame the Medium bean counters.
Did you know my story was uninteresting ahead of time so you didn’t want to even attempt a read? Then don’t mislead me into thinking you care.
And all you mass and OCD ridden FB likers, one day I am going to fool you into liking something evil or disturbing just to keep you on your toes.
Remember, we writers are a sensitive lot. Tread carefully.
Any feedback from a potential client, publisher, employer or editor that starts with “While we …”
I’m still waiting for the day when an email response says something like this:
“While we think you kind of suck, we are still thrilled to publish your piece in our publication.”
“While we think you have great potential and appreciate your time and effort … ah screw it, you’re awesome and we’re lucky to have you.”
Until then, I will greatly fear the “While we”.
The assumption of no payment
I’m not naive to the state of publishing, writing, etc. And I don’t write for the big paycheck or with the hope that a big pay date is viable.
Such is the world we live in right now.
My specific issue is the assumption that there will be money transaction involved. I’ll buy in even if you tell me “while we’d love to pay you” blah blah blah.
Yes, a back link will be great.
Just acknowledge the time and effort I’ve put in and some level of remorse for the inability to pay and I cannot complain.
