7 Ways to Live Your Life Like WWIII Is Nigh
It’s a scary time. It’s a prepare-y time.
With tensions ever on the rise between our childlike idea of a president and North Korea, China, Russia, Syria, Iran, Afghanistan, and god knows who else by the time I’m done typing this sentence, I think we can safely — and at least passively — start living life like World War III is around the corner. Here are seven worthwhile ways to do just that.
Hold Tight to Your Grudges
When nuclear fallout leads to fights for shelters, bunkers, cellars, and lairs, there’s a chance you could be one of the lucky few allowed inside. Then comes the desperate banging on the door. “Someone help me, please!” But the eccentric who built the bunker shakes their head at you, indicating that there’s no room at the inn, baby Jesus. You recognize the voice, though. Yep, it’s Joe Michaels, the guy who slept with your husband, the guy you made amends with because you didn’t want to die from a North Korean intercontinental missile without wiping the slate clean. You told him point blank that if you were ever in the position to save his life, you would. Now look at you.
Stock up on Canned Food, Water, and Booze, but Don’t Go Overboard
A few supplies won’t hurt, but scavenging is half the fun. Once you run out of the essentials, it’s time to venture out. If you get murdered in the process, whoever murdered you kind of did the heavy lifting for you, right? Or were you just going to live in your studio apartment forever with your little fire starter and water purifier, spending the rest of your days like some sort of mix between Kevin Costner’s character in Waterworld (1995), Henry Bemis from the Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough at Last,” and Gollum from The Lord of the Rings? Get out there and get cannibalized like an adult, and use all that booze for some liquid courage.
If One More Won’t Kill You, Have One More
When you’re out at the bar and the game just ended and you lift your taut butt cheek up to take your wallet out and your friend is like, “Ah, come on. One more won’t kill you,” unless you recently had gastric bypass surgery, you sit your tight little ass back down and have one more. You might regret it a little the next morning, but when you see that flash of light in the distance followed by a mushroom cloud complemented by the symphony of screams by millions of your fellow citizens clamoring to the nearest schoolhouse to dive under a desk, you’ll be glad you had that last beer, wine, cocktail, or whatever you shovel down your stupid throat.
Now Is Not the Time to Sell the House, Betsy
Both kids are out of the house now, and you don’t need three bedrooms and an office anymore. The school district taxes are stupid high, and you’re still in the decade-strong dispute with your neighbor over that tree on the edge of your properties. But Betsy, moving is a huge hassle, and it becomes a big focus of your life. Some people keep their house on the market for multiple years, Bets! With Trump and Putin swinging dick like neck boxing giraffes, both a finger slip from total nuclear annihilation, now is just not the time.
Never Say YOLO Under Any Circumstances, but Live by the Words (but Seriously Never Say It)
“You only live once” is never more prevalent than when the entire planet is facing certain nuclear winter, with China protecting North Korea like the psycho older brother from that high school across the tracks protects his even more violent but physically weaker younger brother who you apparently gave the side-eye to without realizing it. But if you say, “YOLO,” out loud, I’ll come to your house and personally spank you worse than Donald Trump spanked Ivanka when she came home with an A- in seventh-grade history.
Learn Basic Chinese and Russian
This is just in case we actually go to war with China and Russia but we all agree not to use nuclear weapons. I’m not trying to be unpatriotic here, but China has over a BILLION more people than we do. I tried my damnedest to read this in-depth article by Business Insider comparing the Chinese military to the US, but four sentences in and I’m pretty sure learning, “Nice to meet you please don’t slaughter me,” in Cantonese and Mandarin would be a less painstaking endeavor. And once I nail some of the Chinese languages down, which, at least on paper, seem incredibly different than English in every conceivable way outside of the aliens in Arrival (2016), Russian won’t be too difficult in comparison. All I’m saying is that I don’t want to die just because some hooker once laughed at our president’s penis.
Start Sending Messages to World Leaders Like You Talk Down the Person Your Drunk Friend Is Talking Shit To
“Listen, okay? I, like, totally understand why you’re upset and they’re def being totally ridiculous. But, listen, okay? They’re not being themselves right now. They’re under a lot of pressure and, if we’re being honest, have never even, like, known what pressure was until recently. I know it’s a matter of honor and they blatantly threatened you, but if you, like, engage them, then I’ll have to get involved and your people will have to get involved and it’ll be a whole thing. I just think if we all just, like, you know, or, no, like, if you just, you know, were the bigger person, because they’re clearly not going to be, we’d all be a lot better off in, like, the long run. And I’m sorry for burping in your face between every other word.”
If this resonated with you but also made you be like, “Yo, for real though, WWIII is around the corner,” I recommend donating to the International Peace Institute, an independent, international not-for-profit think tank dedicated to managing risk and building resilience to promote peace, security, and sustainable development.
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