70’s Sit-Com Plot Synopses As Written by Today’s GOP
M*A*S*H*
‘War is Hell — On Other People’
Major Charles Emerson Winchester III celebrates the repeal of the Estate Tax and hilarity ensues as Radar thinks he hears choppers, but it’s really only the whizzing sounds of incoming ballistic missiles fired via tweet toward ‘Little Rocket Man’ from the USS Trump Nuclear Submarine. Just in time, Winchester escapes the mushroom cloud in a Gulfstream VI, which thankfully, is a fully-tax deductible expense.
WKRP in Cincinnati
‘Fever in the House’
Andy Travis tries to reinvent the station from easy-listening to hard-hitting real news but when Les Nesman breaks a big story about Russian interference in the U.S. Election and it’s derided as ‘Fake News,’ WKRP loses their broadcasting license. They take it to the Supreme Court where they lose in a unanimous 5–4 decision but all is okay because they’re bought out by the Sinclair Group and Dr. Johnny Fever is appointed Surgeon General.
Mork & Mindy
‘Dreaming is Illegal’
In a funny case of mistaken identity, Mork thinks the knock at the door is Orson coming down from Ork to tell him he can stay, but it’s really just the INS coming to handcuff Mork so they can deport him and his son for being illegal aliens.
Hogan’s Heroes
‘Some Good People’
Hogan gives up on ever trying to escape as he bonds with Colonel Klink and in touching denouement, finally learns that a lot of Nazis are ‘good people.’ The episode sweeps the Emmys, Colonel Klink and Seargent Schulz are invited to the White House and awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
All In The Family
‘Women are dingbats, after all.’
Edith and Gloria try to explain to Archie why racism is wrong but are surprised when Archie gets the last laugh and lays down the law as he’s tapped to be Attorney General.
The Facts of Life
‘It Happened at the Mall’
Edna tries to protect the girls as death threats are made on their lives when no one believes that there is anything wrong with the strange older man who stalks them at the Mall who is about to be elected to the U.S. Senate.
The Muppet Show
‘The Puppet Master’
Miss Piggy is stripped of her Miss Universe title after the owner of the pageant derides her terrific weight gain. This story is trumped as it’s discovered that all the other Muppets in charge seem to be controlled by a sinister Russian puppeteer. No one cares.
Welcome Back, Kotter
‘School is taxing’
The Sweathogs get a new substitute while Mr. Kotter is convicted for tax-evasion after declaring pencils and chalk as tax-deductible expenses. Some of the Sweathogs are worried when Vinnie Barbarino drops out, but everything turns out all right because he gets a job in a coal mine.
The Odd Couple
‘Swept under the Rug’
Felix is frustrated that Oscar has really messed things up with his column about an athlete kneeling during the National Anthem but things are cleaned up and swept under the rug when the athlete loses his job and the President calls personally to congratulate Oscar.
I Dream Of Jeannie
‘Yes, Master’
Due to de-funding of the Space Program, Major Nelson loses his job and Jeannie can’t help him this time because she’s trapped in her bottle and can’t get out because the glass ceiling is impenetrable.
Get Smart
‘No Control’
Intrepid Agent 86 learns of a bigly nefarious scheme as he uncovers a KAOS plan to hack the U.S. Election but no one believes him, because ‘Who cares if the President of the United States colluded.’ Control is defunded in favor KAOS.
Good Times
‘Dy-no-mite!’
J.J. is walking home from Art School talking about the ‘Dynamite new painting’ he’s just finished. J.J. is shot 7 times and the officer is acquitted. But in powerfully emotional finale, Paul Ryan sends ‘thoughts AND prayers,’ and it all turns out well because James gets a third job to help feed the remaining two kids.
Dallas
‘The 1% is back!’
Somebody shot J.R. No one knows who it was except for the fact that the shooter was not Muslim, so it’s not a terrorist incident. GOP sends thoughts and prayers AND humongous new tax break and the Ewing family fortune is is rejuvenated as they’re given exclusive oil-drilling rights to Yellowstone National Park.
The Bob Newhart Show
‘Honey, nobody’s home…’
Bob has a difficult day as his new patient has severe narcissistic-personality disorder, wants to date his daughter, and brags about sexual assault and believes he’s President of the United States and doing a great job. Thankfully, it’s all just a bad dream.
Clapping is a good way to show you’d like to change the channel on the GOP.
If you think the Trump Presidency and the GOP are no laughing matter, you might enjoy:
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Dr. Rob Hood, CDC notes: “Perhaps the greatest public health threat ever.”
Marvelous Marginalia scribbled in GOP Tax Bill
or Late-Night Notes on Screwing the Middle Class
Famous Authors Script Bob Mueller’s Indictments
Serving Subpoenas by the Book, Fired by the Literary Canon
