8 Fall Foods Perfect For Throwing At Your Neighbor’s Car

1) Watercress- It’s a beautiful aquatic plant often used as an accompaniment to a salad or other herbaceous dish. While it is often a culinary afterthought, when used in bulk, it is perfect for slinging at the side of your neighbor’s Camry. Gary’s kids keep leaving their toys on your lawn, and launching some leafy greens at the side of his precious Toyota will send a not-so subtle hint that you will not stand for it.

2) Figs- Although dried figs are available year-round, fresh figs are only available in the fall and provide that certain taste and texture you can’t get anywhere else. They can aid in weight loss and lowering blood pressure, and when whipped at the side of Gary’s sleek automobile, can aid in letting Gary know you are not cool with his security lights being aimed directly into your bedroom. (In a pinch, you can also use fresh dates.)

3) Cranberries (fresh)- Tart, sweet, and perfect for fall. They’re high in anti-oxidants and a great choice for pelting the satin-white paint job he put on his baby a couple weeks ago. You think you’re better than me, Gary?!

4) Cranberries (canned)- Make your voice heard by unloading one of these right into the driver’s-side door. This tart jelly is cheaper than the fresh-option, and, due to its density, when thrown at the right location, could trigger the air bags. Thus, causing max damage while keeping a few bucks in your pocket.

5) The Cranberries (band)- While you can’t technically throw the Irish rock band at Gary’s ride, for $10K you can have lead guitarist, Noel Hogan, hammer his six-stringer right through that pompous asshole’s windshield. I’m sure that will……..wait for it…….linger.

6) Pumpkin- Nothing says, “Where are my hedge trimmers I let you borrow, dick?” like hurling this hefty festive fruit onto his hood. But you may want to ask your more-trustworthy neighbors to help you lift, as you wouldn’t want to pull a hamstring while hoisting this nutrient-rich goliath.

7) Halloween Candy- You shouldn’t be eating it anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone by hurling those empty calories right at his bumper.

8) Cornish Game Hen- It serves as a popular alternative to turkey come Thanksgiving as it packs the same nutritional punch as its feathered-brethren. It also fits nicely into the palm of an adult male’s hand for an easy grip while catapulting it into his brand-new driving machine. That’ll let him know there’s one thing you aren’t grateful for come holiday season.