Bathrooms

Why do people who design bathrooms omit the most vital part of lavatory construction?

It’s a very simple ask. Is the TP in a convenient enough place to be easily seen and grabbed by the pooper?

Time and time again I find myself reaching around in unfamiliar territory.

I have the unfortunate luck of always having to poop when I’m out and about.

Be it at a restaurant, bar, office, friends, or cousin’s house, I routinely find myself in a peculiar position while reaching for the TP. Sometimes it’s almost behind the toilet completely — creating a reach around scenario. Sometimes it’s around the corner of a cabinet — creating a cheek off the rim scenario.

And sometimes it’s straight ahead of you … but three feet ahead of you — creating a poop drag onto the front rim and possibly your pants scenario. These are all scenarios I no longer want any part of. New rule: either all future toilets should have TP attached to it, or all TP holders should be placed in plain sight — no peripheral TP allowed — at no more than a foot from the pooper.

This would not only make the cleanup process much smoother, but it would dramatically reduce your chances of rim poop.

During work the other day, I walked up to one of three vacant urinals and naturally chose the one on the left, leaving the middle and right urinals open. If you fly in solo and no one’s there, everyone knows the middle urinal must never be touched. I did my part.

Moments later, another dude walked in and without hesitation, settled in right next to me, leaving the third and last urinal, all the way to the right, completely open. This is not cool, normal, or in any way acceptable in a male bathroom. At that point, I blacked out and don’t even know if I shook it or washed my hands. I was really thrown off. What could have possibly been going through that guy’s head for him to walk in and actually think to himself, “Hmm, this seems like the most appropriate urinal for me to relieve myself”?

It’s very awkward when you see a guy you work with all the time come out of a stall, say hi to you, and walk straight out the door without even looking at the sink.

Everything from that point on is a little tainted. The ironic thing is this very same guy just got a fifty thousand dollar promotion.

This does raise a question. I’ve asked a few people this over the years and now I’d like to ask you.

After stocking the pond, have you ever felt so confident that you just got up and walked away? I can’t do it.

I’ve thought about it a few times because by now you almost always know for sure what a ghost feels like, but I can’t bring myself to that point.

I’ll never have that much faith in myself. I can never go without a security wipe. But in the end, maybe this guy had it. Maybe that’s why he got the raise. This, in my opinion, is the ultimate form of confidence.

Ass sneezing in general has caused a significant amount of awkward moments between people all over the world. If we all share one thing, it’s what goes on behind closed doors.

We poop, and usually, it stinks. Bathroom placement plays a huge factor in the aftermath of a poop. Some are tucked away in the basement, and some are two steps from the kitchen table.

I was over my buddy’s house once and had to use his horribly placed restroom. After an enormous meal of some pretty substantial Italian food, I got one of those ‘wow, I just ate a boatload of food and it has absolutely nowhere to go because my body hasn’t discharged the previous meal yet’ types of poop cravings.

And believe me, these come on quick and action needs to be taken immediately. I politely excused myself from the table and scooted off to the bathroom, which was four feet from where we were all sitting. I knew right off the bat it was gonna be a closed door exit.

I was just praying no one else would go in there for a good 20 minutes after I was done. I cleaned up, washed up, and opened every cabinet looking for the “spray.” Nothing. Not good. I walked out and sat down. My buddy’s grandma got up, walked in right after me, turned around, and literally said, “I guess I’ll use the one upstairs.”

A few bathroom situations to go out on:

· Have you ever battled a slice of mud pie for so long that a second round of pee came out?

· Ever run out of TP … and tissues? What do you do? Shower curtain? Towel? Hand?

· Walking into the bathroom after your girlfriend of three months just tore it up like it was her job. Big win. Who doesn’t like anal if it’s within an hour of defecation? No need for lube.

This blog series is the work of Dan Witte and Dave Marquardt, the creators of the greatest party game in the world, CoolCats & AssHats. If you’d like to own it, click here. Dan did most of the writing; Dave is good at Internet.

We appreciate you for reading. Please show us your appreciation by clicking the green heart at the bottom of the page so it isn’t empty like your/our souls.