Can you fuck yourself to a spiritual awakening?

Magical crystals. Smooth obsidian dildos. The promise of orgasm and spiritual enlightenment. What more can a girl ask for?

When I found out about a product that can make all my tantric dreams come true, my labia quivered with intrigue.

Chakrubs, the “original crystal sex toy company” has released several lines of play toys that are 100% pure crystal. No more of that knock-off glass bullshit. This stuff is the real deal. Shove one of these babies up your twat and await the pleasure Goddess to reign healing powers down upon you.

Well, shit.

For a mere $114USD I could become one with the universe through the power of my feminine prowess. This is the answer I’ve been waiting for. I ordered one immediately.

According to the website, these crystals have the power to reduce stress, build intimacy, and heal sexual trauma. That’s a bargain! I’m definitely an advocate for therapy. But I don’t know of any therapy where I can do a year’s worth of treatment for $114 in 15 minutes. With the bonus of an epic orgasm.

When it arrived, I anxiously unwrapped it from the delicate silk pouch. It was like revealing the holy grail from its shroud of mystery. Smooth and beautiful, with vibrant colors pulling me in. I’d been waiting for the crystal to work its magic for over a week. At this point, my chakras were out of whack. I needed to chakrub the shit out of them. I was ready to quiet my mind and awaken my sexual spirit. So I went to town.

Let me start by saying, I’m a skeptic. But as a skeptic, I’m also very open-minded. I’d like to believe there are things I don’t understand. Like quantum physics, furries, and why everyone is so obsessed with the Kardashians. I’ve never known of crystals to produce healing powers. In fact, studies have shown the opposite. But, I figured, if a crystal is going to pull through and show me what it’s capable of, it’s going to be in the form of a cock.

Apparently, results may vary for this product. I settled for the blue aventurine, which enhances inner strength. Maybe I got the wrong crystal. Maybe I should have sprung for the natural quartz, which dispels negativity. Maybe I should have saved up $625 and got the nunchucks. What was I thinking? A ninja-inspired crystal dildo is obviously a superior choice. Goddamnit.

Maybe I didn’t wait long enough for the crystal to become one with my throbbing lady bits. Maybe I wasn’t tuned into the universe enough. Too preoccupied with having a run-of-the-mill orgasm. Maybe I’m hopeless, doomed to a mediocre existence of sexual satisfaction. Enlightenment is for the special. Maybe I’m just not doing it right.

Fuck.

I didn’t feel my third eye stimulate. I didn’t feel in harmony with the universe. Shit, I didn’t even feel in harmony with my own g-spot. I didn’t feel like a divine Goddess or a healed spirit. I didn’t feel a deeper sense of myself or my precious crystal.

I only felt despair and betrayal. Did I failed myself, or did the crystal fail me? Being the researcher that I am, I fucked myself a few more times with it, hoping to reveal the secrets of the universe. You know, give it a second chance. After several more disappointments, I was ready to throw in the fuck rag and resign.

I felt like Napoleon Dynamite and his unsuccessful attempt to travel back in time. His crystals failed him as mine had failed me. I wish I could travel back in time and get my $114 back. I’d probably hire a gigolo. He may not be able to light up my chakras, but he could light up some flames burning under the hood.