Cliff Notes to Trump’s PRESSer

In case you missed it, here’s the transcript highlights to Trump’s first Press Conference. Buckle up.

“Hey, thanks for coming. First, let’s just get some quick administrative stuff out of the way. I’ll be playing at the Hyatt in Melbourne, Florida at 5P on Saturday, so come out and see me and my finely tuned backing band, ‘The Hindenburgs’. We got Sean Spicer on drums. Kellyanne Conway on bass. Reince Priebus on rhythm guitar. Steve Bannon on lead guitar. And of course, Betsy DeVos on the triangle.”

“Mike Flynn is the finest man I know. That’s why I fired him.”

“I had the biggest electoral margin of victory since Reagan!…what’s that?…I meant Republican margin ever…say again….HW Bush had more?…Well, I read it somewhere. Yeah, that’s right. I wrote it down then I read it.”

“The leaks are real. The news is fake. This is totally different than the Hillary Wikileaks. Because those leaks were about Hillary. Next question.”

“Hey, Brown Sugar in the back. How ‘bout you setup a meeting with the Black Caucus. And tell Otis it’s for us. He loves us!”

“I’m not racist and I can prove it. Just listen — I’m the least racist person in the world. There’s your proof.”

“I’m also the least antisemitic person you’ve ever seen in your life. I’m now going to click my heels three times and say…Jared Kushner. Jared Kushner. Jared Kushner.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I have to go. I’ve got some vodka and Russian caviar on ice and that shit’s not going to enjoy itself!”