Come Child, Won’t You Yoga with Me?
“Yoga was developed many years ago, but I have perused several books at the local Borders and have mastered its ancient stretches…”
Come, child. I will teach you about the movement sweeping the nation: The Yoga movement. I’ve just opened a location in the strip mall where the Baskin Robbins once was. Won’t you come with me, and explore your innermost yoga for an introductory rate of $29.99/month?
At my yoga classes, you will enter stressed but you will leave invigorated as you breathe in the scents of unity, empowerment, lemongrass and waffle cone. Leave all your worries at the door, child, but please do bring in your yoga mat, upon which we will do our yoga stretches. If you do not have a yoga mat, you can purchase one from me.
Yoga was developed many years ago, but I have perused several books at the local Borders and have mastered its ancient stretches, like the one where you reach out your arms really hard and stick your buttocks high in the air. It may look silly but it isn’t, child — it’s magical.
You will be surprised with my professionalism. When telling you which body part to thrust into the air, I will not use crass terms like “b-hole”, “ding dong” and “camel toe,” as I once did as a novice instructor. Instead, I will employ scientific body part terms like “anus”, “pubic region” and “scrotum.” If you would prefer I not mention which yoga moves would be fun to attempt during intercourse, you need only ask, child.
Yoga is all about freeing the spirit, disconnecting from the material and connecting to the spiritual. As the ancients yogis did, please do wear your high-end yoga pants. But, child, do not be surprised to see me wearing jorts or the blue shirt and name tag I wear while working during the day at Best Buy.
You should come to hot yoga, which is every Wednesday evening. Hot yoga is where I crank up the heat and we all do our yoga stretches while dripping sweat. Wednesday evening is also women-only night.
If you believe most yoga sessions are boring, do not be despair — I do many activities to make my classes as fun as possible. I encourage the giving of massages with oil. I’ve also thrown in some freeze tag from time to time.
Now, child, if you happen to let out a “squeaky” during one of our complex yoga stretches, don’t be embarrassed. This happens all the time, as yoga relaxes the anus and can really spread the cheeks. Let your mind slip back to calm and ignore the scent. I will spray more lemongrass Fabreze in your general direction and will be sure to instruct the class not to pay attention to your squeaky. It is recommended you wait to eat your kale and winter squash salad until after class, child.
My child, I will be your guide, but we will learn together, our hearts beating as one. After all, yoga is all about being one with stuff as well as things. It’s also about doing stretches and core power and accepting your yoga instructor’s friend invites. So please join me for some yoga, won’t you?
