Currently Seeking: Friend

Flexible hours. Low-maintenance environment. Inquire within.

image source: jay mantri

Stella is currently seeking to fill the following position:

FRIEND.

About Stella:

Stella is a 32-year old, bitter and angry but also super down to Earth and go-with-the-flow, roller-skater, aspiring-writer woman living in New England. She is childless, marriage-less, and employed. Stella is a relatively private person and may be difficult to get to know, but once you are allowed through her wall, she’s incredibly kind and loyal and will even help you slash the tires of anyone who does you wrong.

She’s bad at initiating plans, but will usually say “yes” when invited to things. She doesn’t mind driving to places, but she likes to yell loudly at bad drivers. Her interests include: eating, cooking and baking, consuming cocktails, dancing badly, Scrabble and other board games, watching television and movies without talking, drunk karaoke, attending Trivia nights, seeing live music, lying on the beach with headphones in and not talking, people-watching, people-judging, going to art museums and not talking, running, yoga, skiing, and a wide variety of other physical activities (except for soccer — never soccer).

FRIEND is expected to perform the following duties:

• Hang out on a semi-regular basis, not to exceed once per week. “Hang out” is defined as “participating with Stella in one of the interests identified above, or in other activities suggested by FRIEND and approved by Stella”. New activity suggestions are highly encouraged.
• Provide fashion advice. Do these shoes go with this dress? Stella has no clue. Please tell her.
• Communicate primarily via text. Phone calls will only be entertained if prefaced by a warning text. Text-based communication topics may include: coordination of hangouts, random funny memes, links to interesting articles, recommendations of things Stella may like. Email communication is also acceptable, and encouraged.
• Provide emotional support, but only if and when warranted as shall be determined by Stella.
• Do favors. Sometimes people need favors and Stella is no exception. Stella solemnly swears to return an equal number of favors to FRIEND. Favors shall not exceed: one minor favor per month; one major favor every three months; moving help may only be requested and provided at the rate of once per year and even that is pushing it.

Required qualifications:

• Outgoing, bubbly, type-A personality (but not too much) to serve as a counterbalance to Stella’s lack of these qualities;
• Non-vegan (sorry, but such dietary preferences seriously limit the number of food-based activities available for Stella and FRIEND to participate in);
• Imbiber;
• Fun;
• Funny;
• Smart, but not, like, that much smarter than Stella;
• Ability to function as an independent human being and understand that if Stella does not reply to your text right away and if she sends your unsolicited phone call directly to voicemail, it’s not because she doesn’t like you, it’s because she needs her own space right now so just chill;
• Don’t ask too many personal questions, but engage in conversation (just not while watching movies, on the beach, or looking at art (see above));
• Not touchy-feely (no huggers!)

Compensation:

• Return favors (see above);
• The joy(?) of being in the presence of Stella;
• Unlimited and free access to sarcasm, dark humor, bad jokes, and life advice;
• Occasional baked goods;
• Platonic companionship, satisfying your own equally desperate need for basic human connection.

Application instructions:

Individuals interested in being considered for the position of FRIEND may submit an email to writingsolo1@gmail.com or a Tweet to @writingsolo. Responses to this posting will also be entertained, and you may receive extra points for creativity. Please explain why you’d like to fill the position of FRIEND, and address each of the required qualifications. References are not required, as Stella fully understands that it’s difficult to gain experience in the field of Friendship, particularly post-college. Please include a link to your Facebook profile, Twitter, or other social media accounts so Stella can verify you are a real person. Anything related to LinkedIn will immediately be deleted and disqualify you from consideration.

EFO (Equal Friendship Opportunity) Statement

Stella is committed to fostering a friendship that is free from discrimination and harassment based on race, age*, creed**, color, religion**, national origin or ancestry, sex, gender, disability, veteran status, genetic information, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, or pregnancy*** and she will not in any other manner discriminate against applicants.

Deadline:

Applications will be accepted on a rolling basis.

* Slight preference may be granted to applicants between the ages of 22 and 44, simply so things don’t feel creepy.

** Stella has no tolerance for crazy uber-religious people who push her to turn to Jesus. Just keep your beliefs to yourself and we’re good. Also, please don’t try to convince Stella to join your cult.

*** Duties of FRIEND require occasional imbibing and thus, per recommendation of Surgeon General, pregnant people are advised to not apply.