DeVos Confirmed: Her First Act — Gay Grizzly Bear Conversion Therapy
Both Mike Pence and Betsy DeVos made history today.
A Senate Historian said it was the first time a vice president broke a cabinet nomination tie. Pence had to be summoned to the Capitol to break the deadlock. News of the 50/50 split found its way to Pence while he was on the can in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.
According to Biff Reynolds, the Senate Intern who was sent to retrieve Pence from the executive bathroom, the Vice President was humming “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” in the stall when Reynolds informed the VP his presence was needed in the Capitol.
With no time to finish his joint, Pence immediately returned his doobie to his executive fanny pack and ran the entire 2.5 miles to the Capitol with toilet paper clung to his left shoe. Reynolds, a former track star himself, was impressed when Pence clocked in to break the tie at 20 minutes flat.
Immediately after hammering down the gavel on Betsy DeVos’ confirmation as Secretary of Education, Ms. DeVos said her first act will be to create a charter school committed to the conversion of gay grizzly bears.
“In the spirit of bi-partisanship, I take Senator Franken’s words to heart. Therefore, rather than allowing guns in our schools to kill gay grizzly bears, I mandate each state finance and maintain a charter school with the goal of converting homosexual grizzlies into the heterosexual, menacing animals they should be.”
Standing by DeVos’ side, Pence went one step further, stating: “With the passage of HR-254, it is now a jailable offense to shoot a gay grizzly bear. We will funnel such bears to our new Grizzly Conversion Centers. Once healed and released, it will of course be legal again to hunt them down and shoot them dead. We think this approach truly reveals our desire to work with our colleagues on the other side of the aisle.”
Senator Patty Murray, (D)Washington, the top democrat on the approval committee, believes the democrats have sent a powerful message to the Trump administration in holding them accountable. “For my part, I think this whole grizzly conversion therapy is a smoke screen for something more nefarious that’s going on. And I’m here to tell Ms. DeVos I’m on to her.”
When asked for a response to Senator Murray, newly minted Education Secretary DeVos couldn’t respond as she was in a laughing fit all the way to Pence’s office.
